Home Bookmarks Archive



The latest comments that has written.

The Printed Page

2018-08-24
I admire your passion for books, and I'm sure everyone here, being avid reader themselves, would do as well. But I'd rather have the "despite the absence of a stoup of holy water, is still" than the "ought to be a stoup of..."


A Beautiful, Useless Thing

2018-08-23
"fear veiled noises bring" Had to read it three times to see what I wasn't getting. Needs a comma, don't you think?

"wonders of the dark" and "mind up in the dark". I'd rather not have the two "dark" so close together.

"And stumbled on and on". I want to feel the stumbling. But it's just a word that comes, there's no gravity to the process I think
it deserves. Leave it out. If not, the "on and on" needs to go and be replaced with something better.

"one that’s harmless" Harmless for whom- you, the reader, someone else? How would a reason other than that harm the intended person? I'm not saying make an elaborate description but it needs a bit more details.

"Sometimes that’s all the reason I need" I hate this line, solely because I've read it a hundred times before. Last lines are the most important to me and this one in particular dumps the entire piece in the heap of all those that came before. I want you in it. I want yours. Something apart, that only you could say.

It's an okay poem. You can do better.


Nights

2018-08-19
You've used the word 'dreams' four times in this single poem, out of which the second should be replaced by a something else, solely because it arrives a little too early with easy rhymes.

"Songs are played" again asserts an unsound repetition. I'm sure you'd find a better phrase for it.

I see the four line structure throughout, but it could use some breaks, or pauses. Like "Full of words without meaning" to
"Full of words
without meaning"

I've only pointed out all these because the poem is otherwise quite dreamy, especially for someone like me who prefers the night. Lines like "A dream that feeds the firelight" reminds me how much I love poetry.


When Our Pain Collides

2018-08-16
Yet another poem with a thunderstorm and hiding and another one that I loved. I love it from the very first verse. That "But I don't actually hear for real" comes neatly, and sets the mood for the rest of the poem.
Listen to Nathaniel Rateliff's "Once In A Great While". It's very close to my heart and given this piece, I have a feeling you'd love it just as much.


Sixth Elegy

2018-08-16
"I protest because I must"
Such a powerful and heart breaking elegy. Hope you'll be alright.
My heart goes out to you and this.


Rest, listen, look and see

2018-08-09
Absolutely in awe of this. Definitely reading it again. I'd love to hear this recited! If you haven't yet heard of Keaton Henson, please do look up for his poems. They have a similar rhythm to yours. P.S. He's a heartbreakingly beautiful singer as well 💙


The Quest Returns

2018-08-09
I prefer this to the other rhyming pieces of yours.
Though I very much like this "Acquisitions were the coins of trade", it breaks an otherwise smooth flow.
I second with the overall theme of your poem.
As Justin Vernon sings in "Wisconsin", "love is love's return".


Bootlicking 101

2018-08-08
You succeeded. I had a bit of a cringe but that goes to show you actually did it. My mind even read it in a Nepali uncle's voice. But the poem, despite all that, isn't (what's the word I'm looking for?). It was something like you'd read Rohinton Mistry do, the boring, almost annoying touch of the local.
If you are up for it, try writing about something else, possibly romantic or sad or both, in the same style.


Stop All The Clocks

2018-08-07
From the title, I immediately knew this was going to be a poem about death, probably because of the line I fondly recall from Auden's "Funeral Blues".

I admire that you've chosen everyday, mundane things like pizza-parlours.

Though you have maintained the four lines throughout, I think the "My friend lies dead" needs its own separate gravity, rather than being dumped in a verse of priests and salesman. Frankly, I could do with only the last nine lines.

I've seen you use structures like "Rose-petals, wither. Summer leaves, turn brown.", the object-command form. This would have been better without it. It needs the commanding start of a "let", "put", "pack", "pour" so prominent in Auden's piece, the start with a verb, rather than a noun(summer leaf). I'd even suggest using complete sentences. I want to feel your grief, but am not able to with your poem.


her love

2018-08-06
Have I said before I absolutely love this structure of poems, the double spaces, the dragging of a line to the next and everything else? For this, I'd say " there-ness" serves perfectly as you still "cannot say", this gives that feeling as if the poem were happening right now as we read it, which is another thing I love about your poems. This was a beautiful love poem.


Letter to a Friend

2018-08-05
I once asked someone I love dearly to remember me after I'm gone in dust motes and in certain light. Excuse if this feels intruding, but these lines "this light tells me/ that you will be with me/from this point on,/always" especially personalized this poem
for me, as if it were written for me. Except bargaining, it follows most of the stages of grief. It's a beautiful piece and if there's one thing I wanted more from it, it is for it to be more real than surreal, more of the ordinary (like a phone call) throughout the poem.


~~~ J A M

2018-08-05
Well, can't say I don't appreciate a nice bottom, and a poem to go with it


Ashes Of My Burned Past

2018-07-23
The first thing that came to my mind was one of my favorite songs by Alter Bridge: Watch Over You.
I love the opening two lines. The rest has a general aura to it.

Since you're going with "To pave" to start with, the use of two "to"s in the following "to be able to" sounds awkward.

I'd prefer if you were more specific, more you in your pieces. For example, "If you want to really find me
Just search through your heart." This I've read a thousand times before. It goes without saying you should avoid clichés as such.

I've also noticed your writing in general has a lot of "I'll"(I will) or it's variations. Try writing some outside of your usual comfort zone.


See me

2018-07-23
Now here's one of those pieces I'd love to listen to being read out loud with some soft music to go along with it, and I did so as well. It's so simple and beautiful, how could I not?

There's also some things I'd like changed.
"No one else's, right?" disrupts the flow unpleasantly.

The last "as I ought" is unnecessary. I think you could it better.

You might see what I mean if you read it out loud yourself.

PS. I don't know if it should be pointed out but the "its" here should be "it's"


WROTE AND WROTE SOME MORE!

2018-07-09
Nothing


Wednesday Why

2018-07-05
Oooooh this is charming! I don't know if this was intentional(my guess is it was though) but complementing "rainbows" with "oil floats on water" seems subtle. I have to second on jim's comment about the stones. Still, I wish this were longer.


Halt

2018-07-05
I understand that your foundation and involvement in poetry started from the music you listen to. My major influence in past few years has been songs as well but you need to differentiate between the two forms, especially the fact that in songs, music fills for the lack of structure or even coherence for that matter, while we only have words in here (and line breaks and yada yada I mean you get my point). Again as I say to most in here, ruminate some more. Don't just say things we've been hearing all our lives. Hope to read more, refined pieces from you.


Vomit

2018-07-05
Of all the poems here, this involves less in a vague societal hatred and focuses more on the individual subject. It does need rework. I don't like the ".. myself flooded. Flooded in..." kind of poetic schemes myself. Also try minimizing the use of already existing and vastly exploited phrases like "muted mouths" and "silent melodies". Still I think this has got a better potential than the others.


Outside the Café

2018-06-30
First off, let me start by saying this poem is slow, even when showing so many movements. Well crafted but lacking passion. Before you arrive to the final verse, at least show that you were smacked right down just before with it and didn't all along know about it, or if you did, maybe you forgot for just a moment.

"beautiful loser", really, you're going with that? Also, the use of "beautiful" twice in consecutive lines is a big no. Also while we're at the matter of reputations here, the second "I find myself" is completely unnecessary. Personally I would prefer "elegance of a dancing body" than ".. her.." Gives your indifferent routine of watching them or their likes, a subtle emphasis. Or if your motive is actually to


To be old is to hold hope in yesterday than tomorrow

2018-06-30
This would have been better if it were more personal in writing, rather than vaguely so. You and I both know this is clichéd and feels as though you just wanted the whole thing over with from the very start. Start the entire piece with "I'm afraid I'll never see it again" and work your way from there. A lot of it needs to go away. A lot.


True Love

2018-06-18
You might have nudged me to change how I think about love. Probably would take some time but still, it's nice to time and again, read the age-old notions of love. Also love how completely unfazed the other person, any other person, is when it comes to this topic. Lastly, welcome back, Starman, you have been sorely missed


CHINESE WHISPERS!

2018-05-08
It's a warning, a "beware" so it's kind of justified but personally I've never liked the use of exclamations at all and only prefer them as a last alternative for any emotion


Letter to the World

2018-04-20
Immediately thought of Dickinson when I read "This is my letter to the world". A refreshing read


Still Looking

2018-04-08
This is so beautiful!

But why use 'I was at the end of the town' when you've already given another poignant picture for the same in the previous 'The houses stopped'


Empty bottles

2018-04-02
Loved the poem and I somehow, quite pleasantly, read this in Billy Collins' voice.


You Say Love

2018-04-02
I loved the simplicity of the whole poem as I love all things that look as if they came easy. The line from Dickinson sneaks perfectly. The ending verses are a little too hurried. Do something as to elongate the last line in particular if you're going to use "here" three times consecutively, even go with the full "did not" instead of "didn't"


Hassle

2018-01-16
Exactly how I feel right now. Loved it