tony

2006-07-17
surely, the directness, the imagery of this piece, makes it what it is. perhaps, the concept can be related to, in multiple ways, under multiple conditions, but, ultimately, you describe your situation, your present feeling, emotion, in something unique and perfect, here...im reading your 'description' again, just the one sentence you had left, and it pushes me to think, im not quite able, to perceive what it was you were trying to say, but, i would still like to think i do...either way, i enjoyed reading what you had to write, for the simple fact it carries a bit of complicated association with it...

-tony

2006-07-16
you know, if you dont mind me saying so, we, as writers, as poets, should not forget the angle of elusiveness, of clever correlation and implication, which indeed goes along with our being a type of 'author'...your writing, here, can be defined with one word: obvious.

perhaps, a bit more imagination, or irrationalization, is in store. there is more than one way to say something, you understand...

-tony

2006-07-16
this is the kind of poem, which brings back all sorts of memories, all sorts of mutual feelings, surely...relatable, in so many ways, undoubtedly with any reader. i especially liked the way your poem ended, such a respectable thought, and presentation, the sort of insinuation which works at bringing a smile to the reader's face, just as much as it must have brought one to the author's after she had finished writing it. my apologies, i dont have much constructive criticism to offer, i moreso just wanted to comment on how much i enjoyed reading it. well done.

-tony

2006-07-11
perhaps this piece belongs in it's original context, because the english version is very difficult to understand, but, surely, the premise is still completely overwhelming, a very good piece of writing...the grammar, and structure, however, take away from the natural ability of the poem...

potential, though, is surely within your words...

2006-07-07
"but in somehow"?

you lost me there, guy, and it was working out so well for you, this randomly worded experiment of an experience...

i liked this, i did, but, somehow, some way, even in the midst of unrelatable context, you have to give your reader something with a bit more refined substance...

we, then, do the rest...

2006-07-07
surely, one must read what you have written, one or twice through, to completely fathom what it is you were trying to convey...though, i do think this could have been made with a bit more detail, the simplicity of it, seems to work...

you know, it seems as if everyone comments without specific points, on people's poetry...im really wishing to react to your piece, to truly respond, in such a manner that you would take to heart, but, there is hardly enough to begin identifying relatable qualities...the ill-specific sense of poetry, in general, and taken to many different aspects, by us, here, especially, removes the ability to really reply, in a poetic sense.

hmm...dont know if all that made sense to you or not. but, ive just found, in my few writings ive posted, there have been a mere few, who have really made a point to specifically respond, and have a point to actually make. i have to fall into the opposite category, in my own comments, so, i guess thats why im trying to go into a bit more detail.

your piece, seemed to come off far too simply, in my mind. though, still, the potential seems to make quite a stand, in your favor...

2006-07-07
a harsh presentation, of reality...this came across perfect, though, i can imagine you, the author, standing in front of a crowd, winning over their minds, with merely the words...and surely, the emotion and thought behind what you are saying, would win over their hearts...

a very complete thought...well put.

2006-07-07
surely, simplicity is beauty...especially here...though abrupt, no doubt, sincere...

2006-07-07
well, i must say, not a bad piece, not at all. though, on the verge of being cliche, still seems to develop upon itself, and not the rhetoric afterthoughts of 'love' in the sense man has placed it...

though, as i was reading, and enjoying the manner in which you referred to feeling, emotion, to comfort, and overall, your basis and portrayal, of love, i wondered...this man is questioning the idea of love, which he has offered a girl, and which the girl offers him...so...what sort of love, true love, could this really be? that is my only question, and while it really isnt so much pertaining the form or effort of the piece, it directly relates to the thought implied...so...i figured it plenty justified...

anyways. i enjoyed it, a good piece of writing, overall...

2006-07-07
such a vibrant thought, drawn out, to be sure, and yet, hardly overextended...i like the effort, put into the bits and pieces of emotion, creating an overall understanding...though, perhaps, a bit choppy, nevertheless, a great piece, relatable, and sincere...

while this bit of writing claims to be a bit personal, the perfect stranger can still read it, without much effort, and that in itself is a tribute to the author. though, this isnt something to shatter any regulations of poetry, still an interesting piece of writing...

2006-07-04
so casual a thought, it seems, here, that you misplaced your aspect of cleverness for grammatical error. this piece is worded very strenuously, its an effort to understand, much less read. and while i can imagine you, as the author, could read it best, that does not help the reader, in their quest to relate, or be inspired...

this was more of a short story, than anything...a rambling, of sorts, which just didnt seem to grasp the concept of rhythm...sorry...

2006-07-03
clearly not just a thought, but a substantial bit of significant emotion...you really seemed to detail this out, this piece of poetry really etches out a design, which most certainly would inspire other writers to work from...i enjoyed reading something a bit more complicated, too, than the ordinary intricacies of the everyday poet. well done, in my opinion. and such a thought, in the least...

2006-07-03
simplicity is beauty, to be sure...

2006-07-03
such a moving piece. so much more of a statement, than a bit of poetry, in some senses...as if you mean to motivate, not just to simply describe...

though it seemed as if a word was missing here or there, or quite possibly, just could have exclamated certain points a bit more, your words were still great, they really accumulated something powerful. i was moved, i felt like i understood what you were trying to say...

the only contradiction i might bring before you, in the spirit of constructive criticism, is the fact God not only creates him and her, from this country and that, with this belief or that understanding...the human has such a significantly small influence on his being, that is true...but even so, he corrupts God's intentions, in the end...that is what i believe, and believe just as well, could be the answer to your writing's questions, presented here.

very good, i felt.

2006-06-30
such a piece, written for relatable reasons...but how is it you write, for praise, as if you've lost the will, to inspire? though im new to this site, and though some will find me far too forward...how is it, the idea to invoke is superceded by the demise of compliment and award? hmm...

2006-06-30
this piece comes across very particularly, i would have to say. the construction of the phrases, the lines, the sentences, the thoughts, is painfully jumbled, and i only say painful, because there is so much potential, in what you've written. though, regardless, still particular. you've incorporated sincere thought and experience, even sponsored the best sort of descriptions...however...in putting everything together, the passion is lost, the rythym, the flow, the desire, all misplaced...i would suggest you rereading your piece, outloud, slowly, to yourself, and then you might see where i am coming from. as the reader, mind you, the reader...the author and the reader come from two different worlds...its the poetry's responsibility to find common ground...

best of luck...and again...so much potential...

2006-06-30
i wish i had a better understanding of your reference to the word 'thou'...the way you incorporate it into your poem, into your title...i beg to differ. perhaps, 'though' is what you were after, or meant...because, when you write:
"even thou i cannot hold you in my eyes"
that technically, logically, does not make sense...especially in comparison to:
"even though i cannot hold you in my eyes"
i dont mean to make such a deal about it, but it really takes away from the significance of your thought, of what you trying to convey, here, in this bit of poetry...i think, with the exchanging of 'though' for your 'thou' this would be an excellent bit...