F.i.in.e Moods

- being halted in a project you started 'cause time won't free up for some weeks yet...

When held back like this

It makes me feel restless

All I think about is it

It consumes all space

I anticipate getting to it

But it's impossible now

'Cause time is MIA

To my sorest chagrin

Waiting kills me

I just want to get on!

A few weeks to go

It's coming!

Very silently to myself

There's that desire which

Always comes back to surface

And take up all of the space.

A dream of oblivion

And not having to feel

Like it'd be the best

Place to handle now.

And despite all rationalizing

And full awareness of it,

It seems that desire never

Wants to leave or let go.

It takes hold of me, and

Even after all of this time,

A battle has to ensue to

Keep me from following it.

I don't always win.

So, let me get this right,

You want to start a group

For people who are introverts?

Ok, but how do you propose

That's going to work exactly?

Not to rain on your idea here,

But surely you see the problem?

Introverts aren't "group people",

Why on earth would they want one?

Just wondering.

It isn't because of you

Swapped got the hues

And tossed around

That we make no sound

It isn't because of me

That such feelings are free

And bid your heart

For you to make a start

And it isn't because of us

Trampled got the trust

And buried way under

So, it's really no wonder

There are no more words

And no more desire to find them

Is basically what's going on now

Mainly because all there is is boring

There's really nothing to say

And I seriously doubt it's interesting

My spirit of creativity feels dead

While my adaptation period attempts

To cope with the reality of people

It's disappointingly unpleasant

And it's exhausting me to no end

Also, it's difficult to be inspired by it

Maybe some day I'll stop

Observing and processing,

'Cause the more it goes,

The more I'm beginning

To identify very precisely

How miserable it all makes

Me feel to have to deal

With any part of it at all.

I don't know how to pretend.

I just don't know the game,

And I don't care to know it either.

What's observed is often senseless,

And not all too very kind either,

So it makes me question why

Anyone would want to behave

In such useless or despicable ways.

Disappointing hardly covers it.

Holy insert-every-possible-expletive-here,

How mind-numbing, and soul-crushing it

Is, to have to deal with other people, like this.

It's shockingly exhausting, it's boring as

All hm-hm-hm, and I can't define the why's

People behave the way they do with others.

It's like there are a lot who need to make

A story happen, and make it unpleasant for

Another, for whatever reason they deem fits.

Can't say understanding will ever come to me,

Mind-boggling how these types are always around;

You can't escape them, always at least one in a group.

And really, it isn't my strongsuit to tolerate bullshit,

And superficiality isn't my wave-length either.

Despise the feeling of being put into a game,

One that confronts me with so much nonsense

My brain doesn't know where to turn sometimes...

Sure, much can be said about my sensitivity,

But c'mon, it shouldn't be like this.

What a monumental waste of time

And energy on nothing worth it,

'Cause after all, they make it up as they go along.

- with rough translation... 

ce n'est pas dans mes habitudes

de prodiguer des conseils non-solicités,

mais je n'arrête pas de penser

à la situation courante que t'as créée

et que tu viens de me domper. 

it's not in my habits

to offer unsolicited advice,

but I can't stop thinking 

about the current situation you created

and that you just dumped on me.

tu serais mieux de prendre le temps

de penser à pourquoi on est rendues ici.

t'as manifestement des incompréhensions

qui te tracassent à mon sujet ou peut-être

ce ne sont que des jugements de ta part ; 

you'd be better to take the time

to think on why we're at this point.

you obviously have incomprehensions

that are bothering you about me or maybe

they're only judgements on your part;

quoi qu'il en soit, tu ne t'es même pas

déranger un instant pour m'en parler

et t'as rendu une décision sur des

impressions non vérifiées, tu réalises?

je dois accepter la conséquence 'sans procès'?

whatever it's about, you didn't even

bother for one instant to talk to me about it

and you rendered a decision based on

unverified impressions, you realize?

i have to accept a consequence 'without trial'?

mais je n'ai rien fait pour l'avoir, tu sais.

confiance, tu dis?  ha.  l'effronterie.

comme si ce petit stunt allait aider.

comment veux-tu que je te fasse confiance

après tout ça, tu viens de me le démontrer 

but I haven't done anything to get one, you know.

trust, you say?  ha.  right.

as if this little stunt would help.

how do you want me to trust you

after all this, you've just demonstrated it

que tu n'es pas une personne digne.

mon conseil est le suivant :

si t'es pas certaine de quelque chose,

tu serais mieux d'en parler avec la

personne en question avant d'agir. 

that you're not a person worthy of trust.

my advice is the following:

if you're not sure about something,

you'd be better off to talk to the

person in question before taking an action.

c'est plutôt simple comme concept,

que tu ne l'aies pas est inquiétant.

it's a pretty simple concept,

that you don't have it is worrisome.

- she sees it's bad enough, but not enough to do anything about it... and she has no desire to stop... we hadn't seen each other in many years, and to have seen her like this still, really tugged at my heart... I'm reflecting on it hoping I made the right decision... it wasn't an instant decision, but after a while, there didn't seem to be any other option...   

I often think about you, our friendship.

Also about our drugged-up escapades as

Teenagers.  How life was then, and how

It's turned out, all we've been through.

True, we had a complicated

Relationship, no doubt about it,

Drugs will do that, but we always had

Love for one another, no matter what.

So I want you to take my

Following words as coming

From deep within my heart:

I'm sad, 'cause you're destroying

Yourself with all of that excessive

Drinking and drugging you do daily.

You're a shell, you're gone, you're at

Critical point, you need to do something.

It's hard to see you in that state.

Harder still trying to talk, 

'Cause you're not really there,

And you're not very coherent.

It's not that I don't love you,

It's that I just don't have energy

For this kind of situation when

It's clear you have no intentions

Of stopping this hell ride you're

On, you're "fine" with it, you say.

So, just want you to know that I

Wish you well, and I'm sorry we

Won't be seeing each other

Anymore, again - you understand.

Please do take care, you deserve

So much more than this, my friend.

May you find your way out of there,

And may you hopefully do so soon.

You're not having a life right now,

You're simply killing yourself bit by bit.

Please wake up

Before it's too late.

Always with love, you

Know there'll always be.

I used to be alone

Because I couldn't

Get out from my

Bedroom walls.

Now that I'm out

From my walls,

I find that I'm just

As alone with people.

Having the walls

Made it make sense.

Without the walls,

It's kind of crushing.