Gentle grace

Creatures assembling bones of thought
sifting through her mind
impaled her screaming memories
onto this unforgiving moment in time
she burnt all her white paper roses
in the dark as it measured her pain
perverted by the fetish lies
that coursed throughout
her decaying veins
the dogs of hell were snarling
as they brooded behind her face
gorging on the scraps of sanity
that defined the last - of this gentle grace
and humanity just stood and stared
into the aching void of her soul
counted her bones and her teeth
then once again entrusted her
into the arms - of the bitter cold.

And the only recognition afforded
by those who had to stay
the name tag they hung upon her toe
to mark the end of her final day.

Rik - 20/12/2006




Poetry by Rik The PoetBay support member heart!
Read 719 times
Written on 2006-12-20 at 15:19

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Janine>K
WOW, this left me speechless. Bookedmarked...I cant believe I missed this write.

Language: 5
Format: 5
Overall: 5
Mood: 5
2008-07-28


Rage of Reason
Most excellent write, with deep and daunting metaphor. But reality can not be ignored. Currently man is in a transitional phase - one foot in the filth of every day life and the other in dimensions much more balanced and beautiful than the one we are trapped in now. This poem says it all in an exact abstract way. Thank you for creating and sharing.

Language: 5
Format: 5
Overall: 5
Mood: 5
2008-07-06



A very dark and sinister way of describing a woman's ending rik. You do it so well. Who knows how we will end or be remembered? I personally will take this poem into the future as a blue print for what not to end like. Excellent work and a lesson to us all!lol Smiling at you, Tai

Language: 5
Format: 5
Overall: 5
Mood: 5
2007-01-24


Morpheus
I sensed a smile of amazement forming on my face as I read through the first ten or so lines. Brilliant work! Bookmarked!

Mood: 5
2006-12-26


-ibm The PoetBay support member heart!
1. How do you value the language of the text and gramatical quality? Could the author have used other words.

- i can only say the language used in this is simply riveting, gives the sombre, painful, dramatic mood of this character's situation quite effectively, so there's no suggestion on my part for this. adjectives employed add to the picture a very vivid image in mind of the lonesome trek of a person in much pain in their life. that's how i interpret it with the words used here. (oh, no spelling to give heads up on ;) )

2. How is the text formatted? Is paragraphs used and how does it affect the text? Is the text too long? Does the format harmonize with the content?

- i can't see what other format you could have used to put this one through. the conclusion in a separate paragraph as you've done adds weight and makes the words sink in for me. as always, the way you write the lines with breaks gives the reader the thoughts and pace you're putting it through. i like the effect and direction it gives to the reader (me, in this case ;) )

3. Overall value of the text.

- like a hand that comes around a throat, like when a tragedy happens, we realize when it's too late that something could have possibly be done before that happening. Overall, your imagery in your expression can't help emotions surging up to the surface, mind and heart affected. so very clear in my mind. especially liked the lines:

"impaled her screaming memories
onto this unforgiving moment in time
she burnt all her white paper roses
in the dark as it measured her pain"

"the dogs of hell were snarling
as they brooded behind her face
gorging on the scraps of sanity
that defined the last - of this gentle grace
and humanity just stood and stared
into the aching void of her soul"

the toe tag speaks plenty as well...

- so many more lines in this, of course, but those stick out the most for me at this moment. poignant, and gets the message across as though screamed through a speakerphone on the public place.

4. Judge the mood of the text and how effectively it is conveyed to the reader.

- well, the words speak for themselves. this is stunning, no other words from me to convey it. i can only say, read it and you'll see. dark, painful, realistic stuff. under the surface sometimes lurks more than what people want to see, and i see this as the result of such willing negligence. here's a piece of my cheery mind for ya... ;)

excellent poem, sincerely liked it all around... *hug* xx
2006-12-21


lastromantichero
brilliant Rik absolutely brilliant as always well done rgds mike

Language: 5
Format: 5
Overall: 5
Mood: 5
2006-12-20


Kathy Lockhart The PoetBay support member heart!
what an imagination you have and how brilliantly you translate it to paper. This was gripping!
2006-12-20


Zoya Zaidi
Rik!
This is so poignant, so full of pain, so much of anguish here!
My heart almost stops with pain, as I read this!
I feel cold!
Is everything OK?
(((HUGS FOR YOUR ACHING SOUL!)))
Love, Zoya

Language: 5
Format: 5
Overall: 5 2006-12-20

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by Rik