~

i confess   i have no taste for wine

slipping into the kitchen

to pour half a glass down the sink

surreptitiously   though sometimes yenny

espies me   and i shrug   embarrassed

sometimes it is quite good

hints of cinnamon or earth slip through

my otherwise untrained palate

not that it matters   i may yet learn

still   it would be nice if i understood

it is   after all   colin's life to be

where will i be   i wonder   after all this  

this wandering   this not knowing

this hiatus from reality   i see a computer  

and feel tension in my shoulders

an endless stream of images created

sent into the ether   to sell

something   i know not what   but trivial

and memories of lovers   but no love

i may come to rue the lost dregs

~

colin's grandfather suggests

i stop feeling sorry for myself   clear the table  

i see his weathered face  

but hear miss haversham   then remember  

things turned out well for pip

~

colin is in north carolina

having survived the long eastward journey

home away from home

with his parents   i wonder what he feels

estranged or embraced

~

i should go home   catch a dodger's game

with my father   relive the past

sleep in my childhood bed   dream a child's dream

sing a child's song   pretend all is before me   

mistakes unmade   never will be made      

~

i confess   i cannot get the past

out of my head   not for long   

leaving me wilted with regret and longing

i poured it away   love half finished

gone for want of maturity   for too much self

what i would give to have them back  

knowing what i know   about myself   about others  

about giving   about receiving

what to expect and what not to expect  

if rocks could sing

~

back to the city   back to work

shaking it off   i do what i do   work   run

visit antoinette and nathaniel   message marcy

clean my apartment   take books

i'll never read again to the salvation army

go dancing   meet people   step out of myself  

then this   our eyes lock   

i touch your arm   you touch my side  

current flows   we come together   dance

to the unlikeliest song

~

whoa-oh   what i want to know-oh   is   are you kind

whoa-oh   what i want to know-oh   will you come with me

~

robert hunter/jerry garcia