September 16, 2017.
Kind of different than what I normally do? I don't know.
Shoutout to anyone reading this who has struggled with mental illness.
a plethora of feelings
I got that, "I want to hide but I want someone to find me" kind of feeling.
The kind of feeling that has me biting my nails till my bottom lip is red with blood.
The kind of feeling that tightens my chest and makes me feel a waterfall flood to my stomach, I'm still questioning if there's any heart left to sink.
Anything left that can be retrieved.
I got that, "I'm cold, shaking, and confused" feeling where
I can still hear him yelling at us and making the house feel as if it's shaking.
I got that, "I'm in love with this boy because he understands my mental illness and won't leave me solely because of it."
But I also got that, "I'm scared to love again" feeling.
I got that feeling where I'm craving release so I cave to my disease and make my legs have these slashes and gashes that remind me of creases in silk blankets.
And I'm scared of that feeling, I cry to that feeling, I scream at my ceiling, and beg to start healing.
I got that feeling where I want to turn myself in and just say that I question if I'm safe to be around my own being.
And that's a sick, burning stomach and salty tasting feeling.
And other days, I have no feeling.
I have to reach to find any meaning
as to why I hang onto calendars and not ropes.
Why I swallow my prescriptions and somehow not choke.
Because there was a sense of pride before.
One where I said that I could do things on my own.
One where I lied about my state and people patted me on the back for it.
One where I sobbed into wine glasses and saved it for others to drink.
One where I would think- about how I was certain my heart had already quit.
One where people called me strong and not weak.
And when my note was found and I was knocked out,
when I went through therapy for what has happened,
when I clutched onto my prescriptions just to feel like I could tolerate breathing,
that was when everyone made me feel guilty and inadequate.
I now have that feeling of, "I'm not ashamed-
"But you should be."
The kind of feeling where I no longer am embarrassed when I explain to people why I flinch so easily.
I don't need to explain; All I need to really say is that I'm still healing
from a plethora of feelings.
Poetry by aidan haskel
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Written on 2017-09-16 at 20:40
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