A paean to fatness.

St Obesity's Is Calling You.

In long gone olden days, Christians used to scourge themselves
And crawl around desperately on bloodied knees to prove their faith
Or they'd fast and not eat their four square meals (plus snacks) a day
But there's no need for that nowadays; self-denial is so 20th century.

So why don't you waddle along to St Obesity's pentecostal church,
The chapel that loves to feed your flabby body and your soul,
Where kingsize portions of Christian excess are served up 24/7?
No sirree, Christianity doesn't come any bigger than at St Obesity's!

You can muncha-longa-burger while you hum your favourite hymns,
We've got unlimited non-diet coke to refresh you at our sermonothons
And you're welcome to chew on giant blessed wafers with extra holy glucose
And guzzle sweet non-alcoholic communion wine served by the over-filled quart jug.

And kindly don't forget our wonderful seasonal specialities as well:
Why there's our Eastertime all-day high cal 'n protein barbecue Last Supper
And our Xmas family fun consecrated monster mince-pie eating contest
With 1% of profits going to our unique "stale cookies for Africa" charity.

Say, folks, why be depressed by all those gloomy, skinny crucifixion pictures
When you can enjoy gazing on the lifesize four hundred pound clockwork Jesus(SEE NOTE ****)
On our distinctive and patented contemporary reinforced concrete cross?
Put a coin or two in the slot and he'll sing your favourite psalm!

Won't you sit back and relax in our extra-wide super-strength comfort pews
And easily navigate the generous double doors to our beautiful chapel of rest?
We're SO proud too of our super extra giant size baptismal re-birthing pool
And the industrial strength derrick we've installed to lift you lovingly in.

Our wedding fees include a whole pre-nuptual chicken and faithdom fries per person!
And don't forget folks, book your own funeral service online now and
We'll give you a double-width coffin for the price of a regular one!
It's so easy to make St Obesity's your spiritual cafeteria of preference!


NOTE RE "400 pounds"

For those in various weight-measurement jurisdictions.....

[a] in Britain, please replace "400 pound" with "28 stone"
[b] in the rest of the world, please replace "400 pound" with "180 kilo"

But no matter how you measure it we are talking OBESE! HUGE! GROSS!

Poetry by Edna Sweetlove
Read 603 times
Written on 2006-09-16 at 22:06

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I smell fame between your breasts .

English War Veteran aged 98
If Gordon Brown taxed sh*t - you would be bankrupt!

Rob Graber
Nice job with this amusing "paean to fatness"!