This sad, frustrating experience is real. The names have not been changed because no one is innocent.
Using my cell phone I attempted to seek help for my phone problem. I called the number in the phone book for Trouble On The Lines. It didn't matter that I had told myself it was going to happen. No matter how well prepared I thought I was, the abyss known as "Automated Phone Menus" got the best of me. This was the phone company for crying out loud! I thought somewhere along the line I could actually speak to a human being. But of course, being the phone company, why was I surprised that everything, even instructions on how to fix your own phone, would be automated.
On the first call, I chose from a beginning menu, one of five options. My mistake was choosing before hearing all five. I thought choosiing Problems With Your Phone Service would be correct. But I found out that led to a dead end menu that took me to places having to do with long distance and such. So after three prompts on the phone-service highway, I tried to get back to the main menu. It was a no-go. I had to hang up and redial. This time I listened to all 10 of the options and was in such a daze I couldn't remember which number was most likely to get me into the phone-maze I wanted. I hung up and started over again. On the third try, I had paper and pen in hand. I listened carefully and wrote down some possible choices for my problems and how to get back to the main menu without hanging up and redialing. This time I wisely chose the Trouble On The Line option. That sent me into another whole sub menu: Trouble Making Calls Out, Trouble Receiving Calls, Dial Tone or No Dial Tone, Rings or Doesn't Ring, Hums or Silent, None Of The Above, All Of The Above, Three Of Four Of The Above, Does The Phone Sing Pappa's Got A Brand New Bag when held upside down?
After several promps to get the correct combination of problems punched in, an electronic voice asked me if my phone was rotary or push button? (How could this be rotary if I'm here on this stupid push button menu?) I pushed a star and a pound sign and question mark for good measure and the voice told me to take a working phone to my phone box, which should be located somewhere outside my house. I held my cell phone a couple of feet from my mouth and yelled at the voice on the other end. "If I had a working phone I wouldn't be calling you!"
Then I got a clue, unplugged my bedroom phone which I hadn't tried to answer all day, and took it outside to search for the magic box. Once the box was located I had to start the calling process all over again to get back to the voice that was instructing me. After I punched enough buttons to find the voice I needed, I had to keep my tiny cell phone close to my ear with my shoulder so I could hear the directions as I attempted to test my home phone to determine if the problem was on the inside or outside line.
I couldn't get past the second set of instructions about a wire, a plug and a screw. Other than the phone company's name on the box, I found nothing that looked like what was being described to me over the phone by that know-it-all good-for-nothing machine. But of course I could't tell it that because it doesn't listen, it just talks. So, I tried plugging my phone into every little nook and cranny in that box. There simply wasn't a place for it.
Finally I told the machine to just forget it. I slammed the door closed on the box and gritted my teeth. As I turned to walk into the house, a phone repairman came through the gate. Smiling sheepishly (I think he had witnessed my futile effort) he held out a box. "Here's what you need," he said. "You can't test your phone on that old box. It should have been replaced years ago." Then he added, "I would have been here this morning, but I couldn't get through the stupid phone menu at our headquarters to find your address!"
Poetry by Phyllis J. Rhodes
Read 490 times
Written on 2006-09-19 at 04:38
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Are You Talking To Me?
The phone rang, I answered, heard nothing but a loud humming noise. I hung up. It rang again, I answerd, heard nothing but a loud humming noise. I hung up. It rang again. I answered, heard nothing but a loud humming noise. I hung up. You get the picture, the phone didn't work. The calls came all day. The callers couldn't hear me and I couldn't hear them. Somebody needed to talk to me real bad but it just wasn't happening.Using my cell phone I attempted to seek help for my phone problem. I called the number in the phone book for Trouble On The Lines. It didn't matter that I had told myself it was going to happen. No matter how well prepared I thought I was, the abyss known as "Automated Phone Menus" got the best of me. This was the phone company for crying out loud! I thought somewhere along the line I could actually speak to a human being. But of course, being the phone company, why was I surprised that everything, even instructions on how to fix your own phone, would be automated.
On the first call, I chose from a beginning menu, one of five options. My mistake was choosing before hearing all five. I thought choosiing Problems With Your Phone Service would be correct. But I found out that led to a dead end menu that took me to places having to do with long distance and such. So after three prompts on the phone-service highway, I tried to get back to the main menu. It was a no-go. I had to hang up and redial. This time I listened to all 10 of the options and was in such a daze I couldn't remember which number was most likely to get me into the phone-maze I wanted. I hung up and started over again. On the third try, I had paper and pen in hand. I listened carefully and wrote down some possible choices for my problems and how to get back to the main menu without hanging up and redialing. This time I wisely chose the Trouble On The Line option. That sent me into another whole sub menu: Trouble Making Calls Out, Trouble Receiving Calls, Dial Tone or No Dial Tone, Rings or Doesn't Ring, Hums or Silent, None Of The Above, All Of The Above, Three Of Four Of The Above, Does The Phone Sing Pappa's Got A Brand New Bag when held upside down?
After several promps to get the correct combination of problems punched in, an electronic voice asked me if my phone was rotary or push button? (How could this be rotary if I'm here on this stupid push button menu?) I pushed a star and a pound sign and question mark for good measure and the voice told me to take a working phone to my phone box, which should be located somewhere outside my house. I held my cell phone a couple of feet from my mouth and yelled at the voice on the other end. "If I had a working phone I wouldn't be calling you!"
Then I got a clue, unplugged my bedroom phone which I hadn't tried to answer all day, and took it outside to search for the magic box. Once the box was located I had to start the calling process all over again to get back to the voice that was instructing me. After I punched enough buttons to find the voice I needed, I had to keep my tiny cell phone close to my ear with my shoulder so I could hear the directions as I attempted to test my home phone to determine if the problem was on the inside or outside line.
I couldn't get past the second set of instructions about a wire, a plug and a screw. Other than the phone company's name on the box, I found nothing that looked like what was being described to me over the phone by that know-it-all good-for-nothing machine. But of course I could't tell it that because it doesn't listen, it just talks. So, I tried plugging my phone into every little nook and cranny in that box. There simply wasn't a place for it.
Finally I told the machine to just forget it. I slammed the door closed on the box and gritted my teeth. As I turned to walk into the house, a phone repairman came through the gate. Smiling sheepishly (I think he had witnessed my futile effort) he held out a box. "Here's what you need," he said. "You can't test your phone on that old box. It should have been replaced years ago." Then he added, "I would have been here this morning, but I couldn't get through the stupid phone menu at our headquarters to find your address!"
Poetry by Phyllis J. Rhodes
Read 490 times
Written on 2006-09-19 at 04:38
Save as a bookmark (requires login) Write a comment (requires login) Send as email (requires login) Print text
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