You know when you are English when ,.......

You Know You're English When..

You assume that a stranger on the street who smiles at or greets you is:
a) drunk.
b) A prostitute.
c) A Terrorist!
d) A mugger trying to get close
e) A Labour politician trying to get your vote!
f) Your monther in law


You have 2 cars, 30 credit cards, a playstation3 and a mobile phone and no money to pay for the expensive petrol to put in the car!

You think there is no such thing as good weather, just rain or no rain down south.

It feels natural to wear sport clothes everywhere, including the cinema, bowling alley, even to court if you are a Scouser!

You think it's weird if a house isn't made of bricks!

If you are young you are lucky to have a house!- let alone some bricks!

You only know one word for describing different textures of snow - The word is "lucky" as we never get any! Unless you live up North!

You always fall when walking on ice - if you are lucky to get any ice!

You spend more than you Earn. Well,.... not true - Gordon Brown steals it!

You associate Easter with Chocolate Easter Eggs on the first of Jan - as they are put out on the shelves at Tesco's.

You are shocked if it snows more than 2 inches of snow every year or more - unless you live up north! Then the country grinds to a halt!

You can see Houses and speed Cameras, no matter where you are.

You expect all dinner parties and meetings to start late as ususal.

You fall 3 metres, you get hurt and they call out the air ambulance.

You live off of "fast-food". Burgers, Kebabs and Fish and Chips - on the way home from the pub of course!

You can't understand why foreigners haven't heard about the London Congestion Charge. That's why they say they don't pay it!

If you live up North you live near atleast three Muslim extremeists on your street

You hate Tony Blair and Gordon Brown who rip you off in taxes and lie to you.

You shout at the Telly When Gordon Brown comes on.

You know the way to Amerilo - and all the words too!

You get annoyed when you loose the football to a bunch of Brazillians who you taught the game to.

You hate loud mouthed Americans who think they can do whatever they like and you can spot them a mile off in London in their shorts with Cameras and brollies and chequered shirts and overcoats when it is 80F!

You know that George Bush is a Moron without a Brain and wonder who on earth voted for him.

You know that Tony Blair is a Moron but he does have a brain - but you still can't work out who voted for him.

You know that Gordon Brown has a brain - but no personality - or a clue about people and has no friends - and you know that NO ONE did vote for him - so why the hell is he there?!!!

You're proud to be British - and you pass these jokes on to all your Norwegian friends but not the Americans as they cannot take the crticism - they will think that you are having a go at them!

And you are not shocked when the 18 year old extremist across the road is arrested by the police after he comes back from his 6 month holiday in Afghanistan.

You watch Borat for an educational view of America.

And you watch Baywatch purely for the intense story lines!

And you have told your mates that you have bonked loads of Scandinavian birds!!

And a bird crapped all over your car - So you won't take her out on a date ever again- as Scousers are all the same!!




Words by English War Veteran aged 98
Read 876 times
Written on 2007-06-01 at 15:39

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normalil
Just read this again, it's brill. I do think that you are a bit hard on our American friends though...
2008-04-20


Sabrina
You're the most amazing 99 year old I've ever met! Even tho... I haven't met you. :p

Great job anyways, as always!

You really made me laugh!

Many hugs,
Sabrina
x
2007-08-07


normalil
I think you are a genius! Applaud.
2007-07-11