Can anyone turn this into a true haiku while keeping its point?


Almost a Haiku

Billowed sails at sea

bright triangles and squares

Geometric geography




Poetry by Phyllis J. Rhodes
Read 451 times
Written on 2009-08-18 at 04:38

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shells
Hi Phyllis,

how about;

Billowed sails at sea
geometric geography
triangles and squares

Though I enjoyed your original form, love the sea, but hopeless at both geography and geometry! Billowed is such a great word for the description of sails.
2009-08-18


Kathy Lockhart The PoetBay support member heart!
billowed sails at sea
triangles and squares dancing
geometric jib

how's that???
2009-08-18


Rob Graber
Oops! The third line is still too long, isn't it? Well, 5-7-7 sounds good to me. And let us remember: Forms should be our guides, not our chains!

;-,?
2009-08-18


Rob Graber
Billowed sails at sea

Triangles and squares abound

Geometricography



I like the pun on "abound," and I enjoyed making up a new word to solve the metrical problem of line 3.

Thanks for the neat poem and great challenge!

:-,?
2009-08-18


Thomas Perdue The PoetBay support member heart!
The haiku is an often misunderstood form. It isn't really so much based upon syllable count as Westerners often believe it to be. The syllable thing was kind of like a natural feature of the Japanese language, it just came out like that (and there were other syllable counts that came up occasionally as well, it's just that the 17 syllable count was most common). And the idea of "syllable" is actually quite different in Japanese, Japanese works different, what we call a "syllable" in English isn't really the same in Japanese, I've never studied the language, so I can't really understand that idea so well. I've only studied Spanish, nothing so foreign as Japanese...

Haiku is more about imagery: creating a beautiful image of nature, a moment in time, and then presenting an emotional response to it. I think you've pretty much done that here, so you've done good. :-)

T.
2009-08-18


jenks The PoetBay support member heart!
i nearly got it but didnt :)
2009-08-18


Phyllis J. Rhodes
My apologies to Linda, I had an unedited version posted when she commented. When I realized what I had done I posted the one above.
2009-08-18


jenks The PoetBay support member heart!
Bellows at sea
Square geometric
Triangles sunny.
2009-08-18