R.W.S.

---

Oops.

Written 2024-02-24

Of course my therapist
wanted specifics.

And of course, I was
wonderfully manic and obliged.

Hallucinations, check.
Not too hard to talk about.

Delusions, nope.
When you're wearing the clothing,

You think it must look good.
No one notices the stains, right?

When I told her that I'd begged Aaron not to take me to the hospital all those years ago; when I told her how bad it was, oversharing as I like to do; when I told her that I'd been afraid of being locked away; she told me that it was an understandable notion, and also a real possibility.

Oops.

I'm still figuring things out over here.

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The Goldfish

Written 2024-02-24


Wanted to go to for a drive
Wanted a human to love

Maybe it never had a chance, a choice
Maybe it didn't need one, want one

Perhaps,

There was never any doubt
There was never any lack

Just a giant wall of fear.

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Transcendence

Written 2024-02-24

Listening to "Angel From Montgomery" on loop
and driving, always driving somewhere,

My mind bathes itself in melody,
slow soaks in sultry lyrics that-

gently drip
from the thin washcloth,
quietly echo
as they sink into milky waters,
swirl around me, seep
into my pores
collect in
tiny, delicate pools,
trickle as
they join beaded others
that gather and run down,
a knowing shiver-

I'm sitting at this stoplight,
but I've left the earthly plain-

Suddenly, I feel your dark eyes roaming
And I have to let down my hair.

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Isn’t it ironic?

Written 2024-02-24

I’m pretending
that I don’t know
I’m being watched,
even though I know
that I am not.

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Side effect

Written 2024-02-22

I stopped taking the blue
pills; night falls heavy,
but there’s only one
way to know
~
The hummingbird flies light
infused; transparent,
fragile glass anomaly
containing a great fire
~
Creation lives inside
of her; outside of time,
her movements unable
to be mirrored
~
Latest delusion:
The night, it went mad,
I was at the center
of a combination lock
~
I cry more often
now; shame and relief
wash over in waves,
but it’s reality that hurts
~
They’ve prescribed
more; white thought killers
I don’t think I’ll take them,
but will remain in dissonance
~
I was unlocked, too.

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Nostalgia

Written 2024-02-19

My brain atop the machine -
Kerplunk - A thought
ping-pong-ricochet-falls into a slot:

This time it’s the one where
she’s in the back of a convertible,
pulling fingers through soft curls;
the day is loud and fast and young

Another releases and
again a path is forged,
again a channel is opened:

Ruby, with her secret treasures
hidden in the dark, and I
with a child’s faith, reaching
for her wandering flame spirit

A pulling grows within me,
But alas, I am but a brain
atop this wretched machine

I’m unable to hold or help or hope
for more than this:

that he might remember my fingertips
and I,
I might find his memory.

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There it was again.

Written 2024-02-19


the delusions are bold right now
having to prove the thoughts aren’t true-
time is not running out-
we’re not all doomed-
these vague layers
that have been falling in waves,
washes of another life,
they don’t mean anything-
people, places, colours
and commonplace things
they break through in patches
Am I hallucinating?

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Delinquent

Written 2024-02-19


Want me to come over there?
Sure
Sit down?
Okay
Smile pretty?
Of course
Chat politely?
Chatting’s my favorite
Listen well?
I’ll hang on your every word
Speak eloquently?
I’ll leave the cursing to the sailors
Apologize?
I’m sincerely sorry for needing someone to blame
Give my sweater? Here.
How about my opinions (even though you won’t like them)?

Oh, and yeah, I know I’ve said this before, but,
if you’re set on telling me what to do at every turn,
then I’m afraid you’ll have to

Take a flipping number.

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I’ve forgotten where I put it.

Written 2024-02-19


I’m an expert at hiding things
and let me tell you a secret-
It isn’t all gone.
In fact,
I’m one tiny gemstone
from unleashing the tsunami.

I’ve been afraid to search for it
in terror for all that I hold dear
But now, schizophrenia frees me
to dismiss the fear
as a delusional quirk.

Anyway,

I really don’t know what’s about to happen.

Haven’t you been asking me if this is the end of everything?

God, I hope not.

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Typical

Written 2024-02-18

In the corner of the room
Under the blue blanket
Behind the gray tshirt
Beneath lumpy skin
Beyond thoughts
feelings, needs
and desire,
Lives a crater
A gaping emptiness
And a terrible déjà vu

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