Marie

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Sequel to "Not a Whiny Brat"...um...read that first please.

Not a Whiny Brat 2: To live

Written 2006-02-27

I'm calmed down after writing that piece. And I want to clear things up. For those of you who've ever felt suicidal, you probably sat there thinking "Ok...she why doesn't she kill herself if she hates herself?"

Because.

Even if I am seeing all these flaws, there are times when I can see the good qualities. There are points when I can see the hope. When I can see beyond all this and I know I can't die. I just can't do that to people.

Yes, I'll admit. There are times when I've thought about suicide. But I wouldn't do it. Not because I don't have the guts. Because I'd regret it. I'd regret everything I would miss, I'd regret the friends I hurt, I'd regret the family members I hurt. I would regret it. My mother has told me twice to kill myself. I've wondered "What would she say if I actually did?" But the truth is, I really don't want to know that. Why throw my entire life, which I've barely lived, away just because I want to know her reaction?

So, I'm, sitting here
And I'm finally knowing
I want to live.

I honestly, truely want to live.

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I'm hesitant on sharing this, but I think it needs to be known...
I'm NOT trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want you all to understand. But if you can't, that's ok, thanks for visiting.
Wrote today~My mom was being a b*tch...

Not a Whiny Brat

Written 2006-02-25

When you're torn apart from head to toe about everything wrong with you, you naturally begin to hate yourself. Because you notice these imperfections too. And you hate them. You hate that you can't be perfect. Or good enough. That is why I use to cut. Not because I am some whiny little brat or am pitying myself. Because I hate myself. Every little flaw, every imperfection. And because I either can't fix it or I am not determined enough to fix it. Sometimes because fixing it would mean giving up something I actually like. Like food. I would become anorexic, but I love food too much. I know what you're thinking. You're looking at me and saying "What?? She's skinny!" That's the thing. I see the fat. I see how sometimes it looks like I have no chin and how my belly makes rolls when I sit. How a bulg rolls out over my hip-length pants. And I hate it. And when you're hating yourself and dealing with your mother's insults, it's hard to quit cutting. Because your mind is created in the image of a cutter. And that's hard to rewire.

So no, I'm not trying to be a whiny brat. I'm really not. I am hating myself, yet trying not to pity myself because that's so stupid (I think I got that general idea from my mother). And I hate myself for hating myself because it does seem like I'm pitying myself. I don't want anyone to think that. I just want them to know why, but at first I will come across as a brat because it starts out like this: "My mother insults me all the time, and when you're torn apart from head to toe..."

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