Rin

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Murakumo II

Written 2020-04-05

If I can be brave and follow you to your darkest place, will you also be brave enough to run after yours or will you turn back and run away?

Sleepless nights
Restless thoughts
Dead days
Roaring emotions

Only this diary knows what lies in the deepest pit of my brain and heart. As I flip through the pages, the memories are running around in my head like they are trying to catch each other up. As I flip through the pages, the emotions I have trace my heart repeatedly like they are drawing a perfect circle.

How long has it been since I have felt this way?
How long has it been since I have honestly told you how I feel?
How long has it been since you have welcomed and accepted the darkest and deepest me?

Reaching the last page of this diary, all the memories and emotions seemed to have collided, exploded and vanished instantly like my life's reset button has been pressed. I am staring at a blank page. I am staring at nothingness. The hourglass on the table that I have not turned upside down for years seemed to be calling out to me.

Time stopped since then. And so are the memories and feelings. As I crawled up from the bottom to feel the heat of the sun, I didn't know I will go blind. I lost touch of my thoughts and emotions. Even if they are haunting me and not making me sleep, I continuously discarded them like how I continuously disposed the things I do not need because I can always replace them.

You must be thinking I am insane. I do too. It is hilarious that even my sanity finds me funny and jokes with me. It must be nice to be a kid again and to just be honest with everything. With my thoughts and feelings, with my family and friends. With you.

Why did I end up like this?
Since when did I become good at lying about my thoughts and feelings to everybody?
Why do I continue to do this?
What am I hiding?
What is it that I am afraid to expose?
Is this just a self-preservation?
Is this just to protect myself from all the pain and hatred?
Is this what I really want?
Is this what you want to see?

I think life has become a trend that I feel the need to catch up and be in or I will be boring and not accepted.

It's hard... Catching up is hard but I need to do it. It defines me. It makes me forget that I am a nobody...

Since when did I start thinking that I am a nobody?

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