F.i.in.e Moods

You cannot teach

What you don't know...

Did the best I could

With what I had...

What did I know

About being a parent?

I only ever saw

What not to do...

Nothing else of life

Was shown to me.

I did my damn best though...

Don't think it was enough...

My dear, it may be time for you

To not be so harsh on yourself...

You're really not doing so bad

Despite where you started from.

Remember when all of this was

An absolute impossibility...

That's not nothing, my dear.

My dear, it's true you may have

Times when you struggle to feel,

But remember, it's usually when

You accomplish all of your processing

Of what's going on, you understand.

That state is only always temporary,

Then you find your footing again, my dear.

My dear, it's more than likely time for you

To rebuild how your mind works,

To eliminate the defense mechanisms

That shaped the way you got on in life

Because of the required survival mode

You had to have in place to stay alive...

But those aren't needed anymore, my dear.

My dear, I know you know.

We'll need to just give it time, my dear.

Not sure why exactly,

But whenever I'm told

That I'm resilient, strong,

Or that I'm a survivor,

It really irks me.

I don't get what those

Words are meant to offer me.

Plus, the little note of 'Bravo'

That comes with them is so

Very, very annoying.

Sure, the intention is no

Doubt from a kind perspective,

But on the receiving end,

It makes no sense as an impression.

And congratulations stick out sorely.

How is being resilient anything

To feel boosted about?

Or being perceived as a survivor?

It does nothing for me.

And I don't believe it in the least.

- granted after over a decade being cooped up in my room, it's probably not a surprise that it's been a shock to the system having this new world of people around me in the work context only for the last near two years now... my life has drastically changed in ways I never thought would ever be a possibility... all very positive changes, for sure... however, the social exposure is one I find difficult... sure my lack of practice, so to speak, might have something to do with it, but at the same time, people's behaviors are often difficult to follow... they often make me feel in disbelief and mind blown... 

It's finally been determined recently by my health professional that my main diagnosis is complex post traumatic stress disorder... which didn't come as a surprise at all... you don't go through all I've been through without coming out of it affected... there's no way... the only surprising thing about it is how it took over 30 years to finally be clocked by a health a professional... 

When my new life began two years ago, I guess I was hoping having people around me would be a good thing and possibly help me to make connections with others... but that is not what I'm finding at all... it's a huge disappointment... and the experience only reenforces my belief that I just don't belong anywhere... there's no place for me... 'cause I don't want to jump in this way of being with others just to 'make it'... it just doesn't make sense at all and there really is no appeal...

sorry for the rambling... just in a weird phase, working out stuff, I guess... as ever, thanks for your support... means a lot *hugs* xx

Dealing with people is truly an art,

One for which I simply do not

Possess any sort of significant ability...

And being forced to is pure torture.

Don't get me wrong, I do not

Not like people, that is not the issue.

I easily get along with everyone...

But not everyone wants to.

That's the part that immobilizes

My mind and I can't find the reason 

Why a lot need to create stories

And make everyone's time miserable.

Gratuitous unkindness has a way

Of triggering parts of my past,

And I realize that's no one's problem

But my own, but come on...

It comes to me completely uninvited

And apparently, it's my burden to

Learn how to deal with this nonsense...

Which is everywhere anywhere people are.

It's unavoidable, it just is how it is.

It's exhausting, so disheartening, really.

Like a gradual shutting down,

One by one, they're diverted

To a blank where no emotion

Can actually be felt inside me

No sight inspires creativity

No thought or happy memory

Finds a way to form for me

All there is is a soaring void

Find myself so disconnected

From me, from all around me,

Like there's no existence,

Certainly none worthwhile

And the thought of trying

Only feels unappealing...

So exhausted.  So alone

So not meant for any of it

The question of "why bother?"

Becomes increasingly difficult

To figure out as time moves on

There's really nothing for me here

And I have nothing to offer either

Can't escape the truth of the matter

Keep trying to figure out,

What keeps me going,

The why for any of it, and

What the actual point is?

Can't say an answer is

Coming to alleviate

This insistent wonderment,

There's just this:

Nothing animates anymore,

A point is impossible to find.

So, what keeps me going?

It seems to be lacking sense...