Claudia

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eh in mad today

Written 2006-09-25

so im actually at school right now. i got bored and my desktop publishing teachers an idiot. i got my hair cut and it came out a complete and total mess. well it wasnt the first day because i had my hair straightened, but i washed my hair and now it looks terrible. im also wearing a skirt today to school so thats really fucked up and it changes temperature every single two min.

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JavaJazz concert

Written 2006-09-11

Yesterday i went to a concert at a local place called JavaJazz. I should have been happy, i was going with my friends, i was going to see an awesome band, and i could go somewhere where i dont feel like an outsider because everybody was just like me. but halfway throught the event i felt so horrible. i felt...lost is the only word i can come up with. i dont know why i felt like that and now looking back at yesterday i'm thinking 'oh my god, i'm so fucking stupid!' i missed so many things. we ran into the lead singer of the band, everybody hugged him and kissed him except me, i just stood there like an idiot staring at the floor lost in thought, he even drank some of our coke and gave us free cd's. we got to go hang out back with the bands and i didnt enjoy any of it. i was just staring! The lead singer was fucking hot too. and he was shirtless.

i've started to dwell on things me and my best friend talk about, and i've started to wonder about the things i'm too scared to admit. i'm starting to think that maybe i am like him. maybe i am as emotionless, maybe i am meant to be a killer. but i'm scared of becoming like him, i dont want lose the little feeling i have left. should i let myself fall into that dark abyss that is the death of my feelings and my consiousness? i have started to think like a killer even. im so scared of ending up like him, yet part of me yearns release from this coil deep within me. i yearn to break free of all human emotions, to fall into that dark sinking hole.
ive lost everything and everybody. why shouldnt i jump in, it would save me from feeling all the things i do feel.
what do i do?
do i hang on to that little shred of emotion, do i save my conscious?
or do i let go? do i let myself become like my father? do i become the killer that yearns to break free?

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