Barry

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Being "physical"

Written 2007-11-13



So I probably had the most uncomfortable yet helpful advice today on a subject that I would NEVER talk about with this person. I was driving from my appointment from the doctor's office with my father. Then, of course, one of those radio commercials came on (forgot my FM transmitter for my iPod) about trying to improve your sexual stamina in order to satisfy your lover. Like usual, I tried to divert the focus onto something else (in this case, the destruction of the historic Orange Bowl and the horrible performance of the Dolphins on Sunday). But then my dad totally threw a curveball and asked me if I ever had sex. I was like WHAT THE FUCK!!! Now my dad is just like me (or I'm like my dad): we're both very quiet and secluded people especially in social situations but when comfortable we are able to literally talk about anything. I'm comfortable talking with my dad on alot of issues but this was one issue (and the death of my grandmother) that we NEVER talk about. But of course I couldn't avoid the question. So (since literally it's almost impossible to lie due to my upbringing...my mom was like fuckin Sherlock Holmes when I was younger so it made no sense to lie) I told him the uncomfortable and embarrassing truth...

Me: Well, dad, I never really had the opportunity to do..."that". I mean, it's not like I don't want to. It's just...hard...since I virtually had no relationships, whether friendship or romantic. Thus, perpetuating those problems.
Dad (translated from Patois of course): Yea I know. And I guess that is my fault since I sheltered you too much. But you at least know about sex.
Me: Well, of course. I'm almost 20, dad. Plus, I did work with Dr. Walker (Primary Care/OB-GYN) so I definitely know "those" parts in a female.
Dad: Well, I just didn't know what your feelings were about this...if you were waiting til marriage or just don't want to.
Me: Well, I definitely don't wanna wait that long.
Dad: I had a feeling. This might be uncomfortable for you to hear this, but you do come from a family who are very passionate and sexual. Why do you think you have so many relatives? (17 aunts and uncles, at least 32 first cousins, and I know there are more than that). One of the main things that helped me and your mother was our...passion with each other.
Me (on the verge of vomitting): Well thats good. I mean, I know I have a high libido but I just never had the chance to express it.
Dad: Well, just be patient. It might seem hopeless and a little intimidating especially in our families, but the right person will come around for you and let you have the chance to share that strong passion you have.

Definitely, a very uncomfortable conversation, but honestly it did cheer me up. My parents have been married for almost forty years! You don't see that in our generation (constantly going through marriage from marriage). And how did they keep it up for so long especially alot of troubles? That true love that they have for each other, both mental and physical. My parents kiss each other everyday and I unfortunately know that they do alot more than that. Now, marriage is a huge step that needs to truly be thought about HARD, but when it comes to sex, the lame expression for us guys ("But, Baby, I wanna express my love physically.") actually has some validity. Now, I'm don't believe in starting some big hippy clusterfuck (even though that would be kinda interesting), but people should be more comfortable exploring their sexuality, both males and females. Now, again, I don't have much (or any) personal experience but I certainly read a lot of books about sex and relationships (apparently I give out good tips to something I can't get myself...irony). Sex is more than just the biological purpose to procreate; the human species is a sexual being (no matter what the Bible or the Koran says) and actually an influential part of our mental health. As with Michel Foucault, Freud, etc., sex is part of human nature and we can't just repress it. Surely, communication and connection is important in a relationship, but how can you be with someone and spend so much time with someone you love and not be able to truly show the passion that both of you feel for each other? I don't know about anyone else but I can't get an orgasm by just talking to someone. If you can, congratulations. But I would prefer the sex. And I hate it when people have these negative connotations about virgins or the so-call prudish people. Yea, I might not have that much experience, but that does not mean that I never wanna have sex and want to keep my dick in a cage. I know I'm up for anything (as long as it doesn't involve my asshole). I've read basically all the books in the sexuality section in Barnes and Nobles (including Kama Sutra...and I'm fuckin flexible!), and I can almost be a professional porn analyst especially with my years of study during middle school. Now, I don't wanna go fuck every girl I see but I just want to find that one person who can give me that true satisfaction both physically and mentally. I probably will never find my true soulmate that fortunately my parents found (if they didn't I wouldn't be here) but I hope at least that I can finally let out all this held up sexual tension and relieve at least some of my overwhelming mental stress I have. Overall, it's simple as this...guys like sex, girls like sex, so...have sex. Be safe, find that person that can give you that physical and mental orgasm (and of course everyone is allowed 1 one-night stand), and have fun.

J. Holiday - Bed

Girl, change into that Victoria Secret thing that I like
Alright
Ok, tonight your having me your way
Perfume, spray it there
Put our love in the air
Now put me right next to you
Fittin to raise the temp in the room
First rub my back like you do
Right there, uh-uh, right there uh
You touch me like you care
Now Stop
And let me repay you for the week that you've been thru
Working that 9-5 and staying cute, like you do
oh, oh, oh

I love it (I love it)
You love it (You love it)
Everytime (Everytime)
We touchin (We touchin)
I want it (I want it)
You want it (You want it)
I'll see you (see you)
In the morning (In the morning)

I wanna put my fingers thru your hair
Wrap me up in your legs
And love you till your eyes roll back
I'm tryin to put you to bed, bed, bed
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
Then I'ma rock your body
Turn you over
Love is war
I'm your soldier
Touching you like it's our first time
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

I'm staring at you while your sleep
Irraplaceable beauty
Put my face up in your neck and breathe (aww, breathe)
Take you into my senses
Wake up, it's time to finish
Round two, It's round two
Matter of fact it's closer the three
She like, "how long I been sleep?"
[Bed lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Shorty, kisses turn into the sweetest dreams
Like give it to me
And I can feel her tell me
My angel this is wonderful
Thanks, for letting me bless ya
Come down, fly, right, drift back into heaven
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh

I love it (I love it)
You love it (You love it)
Everytime (Everytime)
We touchin (We touchin)
I want it (I want it)
You want it (You want it)
I'll see you (see you)
In the morning (In the morning)

I wanna put my fingers thru your hair
Wrap me up in your legs
And love you till your eyes roll back
I'm tryin to put you to bed, bed, bed
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
Then I'ma rock your body
Turn you over
Love is war
I'm your soldier
Touching you like it's our first time
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

Watch the sunlight peak over the horizons
Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou
Sun ain't the only thing that's shining
Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou, Ou-Ou
Now, I'mma send you out into the world with my love
Tell everybody aye, aye, aye [x10]

I wanna put my fingers thru your hair
Wrap me up in your legs
And love you till your eyes roll back
I'm tryin to put you to bed, bed, bed
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
Then I'ma rock your body
Turn you over
Love is war
I'm your soldier
Touching you like it's our first time
I'mma put you to bed, bed, bed
I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

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Craziness

Written 2007-11-06

You know what sucks?...when people have a totally different perspective on your personality. Why does the human species have the innate process of judging someone just by looking at them or just listening to them for a couple minutes? I guess first impressions do have a lasting effect. I will admit...I do the same but I'm trying to go more below the surface of people rather than judge them from their outside appearance. Also, I hate these social norms and beliefs on masculinity and shit like that. The minute that I say that I like poetry or like writing, the automatic response is "Are you gay?" Here's your fuckin answer....NO! How did poetry or journals become a correlation with liking male asshole? Yes! I like to write, I like to read poetry, I don't try to penetrate every female that I see...if you have a problem with that then honestly you can FUCK OFF! My journal is a way to let out some of the crazy shit in my head rather than leave them bottled up inside (like I guess a true man does)...and with girls, I actually show a chick respect (but I guess a real man must treat a girl like a piece of shit in order to get the pussy....this is why nice guys finish last). But just wanted to let out some steam about this ridiculous shit that comes up with poetry and supposedly female shit.

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The Torments in the Back of my Mind

Written 2007-11-05

Why is life so hard sometimes? And no matter what you do, things seem to never work. You try to get over things but they always torment you. I've been trying to block out and deal with this one issue but it just won't go away. The worst thing is that I know it's over and there is no chance of anything to develop but I just can't get over it. It's such a horrible feeling, and I never been through this before so it's even harder. I literally moved out of a state in order to get over this problem and heal but I think (well I know) that I'm just pushing it in the back of my head. I just want to get over this disease. I want to tell her how I feel: how I hated all the shit you put me through; how you left me in the dark by myself; but also how you did make something worthwhile in my life; how I would be by your side no matter what happens; how I would do anything to just to see you smile and be satisfied. But I know it's impossible and just irrational thinking. I did everything but it meant nothing in the end. She has long moved on and probably just thinks of me as a pathetic psycho case who needs help. But it's just so hard to accept it. I think about her every single time that I leave my mind alone, thus the reason why I try to keep myself as occupied as humanly possible. I just want her to get out of my mind and for me to move on. And it seems no one is helping me. They just want to help my "other" problems...this "little" infatuation will blow over. Well it's been almost a freakin year and she still torments my thoughts, my rationale, my entire mind. Wosrt thing is that I know she can't even bare look at me without getting uncomfortable or disgusted. And there's no feeling worse than the neglect of an angel. My rational side knows it over but my irrational side just wants to grab her and hold her til everything is better. I have never been happier in my life than that September that we frequently hung out. It seems very short but if you knew what I been through, you would understand why that one month keeps replaying in my mind. In the end, I just want her to be happy...even if it's not with me. Unfortunately, that's how much I care about her. No matter what and how much she despises me...she will always have a special place in my heart (and there are truly a very few people who I hold dear to me). Even though I wish we would be together (whether for 10 years or even just 10 seconds), I know it will never be and I need to learn to accept it. God let these torments end.

Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you are.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old, start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
When I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip. So you wanted a solution.
You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet.
I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...
So you can forget
You can forget

You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
Only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

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