Purple Puddles

Yesterday was a long day, I was grumpy on my way home, looking for a pick-me-up. I took the bus and walked down Kodihalli main road. It's a narrow road with shops and vegetable sellers and lots of temples on either side. I was looking down as I often do when I'm scrolling through my phone. Then something caught my eye.

Row of vegetables meticulously arranged - ladies fingers, carrots, potatoes, tomatoes - in bunches of 4s, ready for anyone who wanted to buy. I looked at the vegetable seller, a woman in a brown printed saree, sitting cross-legged at the top of her neat little rows.

"Super arrange madidira!"

You've arranged it really well, I said.

She smiled, I smiled and continued walking.

I thought about how I had enough veggies at home but I still wanted to buy more ‘cos of the way she had arranged them. I thought of how to say that in Kannada. 

"Neevu eshta chanagi arrange madide. Mannenalli tumba idhe. Inu tagolage ishta."

I smiled.

I'm just going to pretend that all the three day weekends that I prayed for, have been granted to be in bulk.

I'm just going to pretend that I'm living pre-Swiggy, pre-Amazon, pre-Uber, pre-Ola. Oh how I miss booking cabs on both apps and challenging each driver to a race they had no idea they were part of.

I'm just going to pretend that I can't afford restaurant food and that I love cooking all my meals fresh. This is not much of a pretense though.

It's easier to pretend and I'm damn good at it.

A song will remind you of that point in time. And you'll remember how you were waiting for the lift and someone pushed ahead. And it made you think of how some people feel entitled to the world and you squeeze between the cracks they leave behind. And it makes you feel frustrated and elated at the same time. Frustrated cos you really need to learn how to be more pushy and elated cos all of this sounds so poetic in your head and you can't wait to get home and note it all down before it disappears from your head.

Leave me alone while I stalk the living daylights out of him.

I'd rather be a hopeless romantic than a lonely cynic.

His favourite whiskey lies unopened on the topshelf just in case he decides to dropby. And no you're not allowed to touch it.

One night I'll be shaken out of slumber by the whir of his bike pulling up on my street.

My dog will know before I do that it's no longer just a dream.

Stuck in traffic on the way to work is a great time to write. This is one of the reasons I won't get a bike.

Went for a wedding reception and caught myself grinning all the way home. Everyone's getting married or asking when you are. I'm not. How about that?

Hounddog. I like the way this comes up in the hound of Baskerville. I should watch the last episode of that.

Coldplay's new song is in the Life of Pi. I'm not surprised. Just sad. I don't know what draws the line between underground and sell out but it's definitely not them! I'll go for the concert if they do come to India. For old times sake, I have to!

I'm on a plateau. I can choose to fall off the edge or soar above it. I don't know what's worse. Moving on or staying still. Sometimes I'm just sitting here waiting.Not sure what's next, what to expect.Yes, I want that too. I want to be married and pregnant by the time I'm thirty. But that's not going to happen. So I'll sit here and pretend I don't feel this sadness. I'm living the life. I have everything I've ever wanted. I'm not struggling with anything. I'm not alone or poor or over-worked. I texted him saying 'Let's run away together' and I expected doubts. But I was given a choice and now I don't know what to do with it. I'll just sit here on my plateau, dangling my feet over the edge, waiting.

You know when you first download a game and you're obsessed with it; You start to fill up all your high scores and try beating your previous score at each level. That's what sex is like in the beginning. Everything's new and exciting. You're always experimenting to see what'll work better, give you a higher high.

It's not that I wish I had a dad or that he was around for more of my childhood.It's not that I wish I didn't have to see everyone selfies with their fathers and the mushy brand  just tvideos. It's that it reminds me how I'm different and I could never relate to what most people. I'm trying to make it sound poetic. But it doesn't.  I'm sad. I'm sad that I'm almost 30 and not married yet. I'm sad that my mom won't even talk about the existence of my boyfriend. I'm sad that I'm not 100% happy in my relationship and I have no power to change it. I'm angry that he made out with someone else and I'm still with him.

He made me feel a little bit like a booty call by letting me let myself out. He was wearing close to nothing though and he was distracted by trying to find my clip.

But man, the way he kisses. Eyes closed, lips tight, not much tongue. He sucked on mine though and then on my breasts. And an expert with the bra. Snapped it off through the shirt.

I wish I could say it's all about the sex.

It would be easier then.
But it's not.
Or maybe with me it can never be
Cos sex means so much more to me.

It can't be wrong when it feels so right, right?

One night stands were never my thing. Maybe I'm more of a friends with benefits sort of a person. I like falling for someone though. Those initial butterflies are always so exciting.
I feel that way when I think about him. I miss him and his shoulders. I want more with him. Of course I do. But I'm not ready and I don't know if he wants it too.