F.i.in.e Moods

The heart's so sore

Doesn't know where

It should throw itself

The pains of trauma

On an incessant loop

Unfixable brokenness

The blood's an obsession

Feeding the delusion

It's the only way to better

The interests are waning

As the madness carousel

Wants to start up its gears

The poisons' memories are

Master manipulators which

Trick the soul to go back

The hopes are a distant

Notion of a long ago time

And there's no escape

This life's nothing to want

Or care to carry through

'Cause enough is enough

The energy required to 

Make the best of impossible

Crushes all feebling resolve

But what I want, what I can

Do to permanently solve this

Will never be mine

- still currently going on about "help" systems because I've had to deal with them again in the last few months... after many years having given up on them... Geneviève is a young social worker who isn't my intervenante (counsellor, I think in English), and she really wants to help, but... 

Dear Geneviève,

You're a sweet person

And no doubt you have

Very kind-hearted

Intentions and hopes.

But dear one, don't

Take this the wrong

Way, I'm not new

To this whole process.

I've been bounced around

This system longer than you've

Been alive, and unfortunately,

I've acquired a baggage

When it comes to these

Services you work for.

My experiences have not

All been on the side of good,

So you'll have to forgive me

If I'm not as enthusiastic

As you are when it comes

To finding the correct help.

'Cause quite frankly,

I don't believe it exists.

Not for my situation, anyway.

I've been told many times

In most unkind fashions

That you don't even know

Are possible in your field.

It's an assumption, sure,

But you have to understand

The perspective I'm coming 

From to be saying this:  It's

Let me down badly very often.

So, my trust that anything

Has changed in this system

Since I long ago left it

Isn't all too strong right now.

And not to be mean,

There's also your approach

That has been questionable

In the last few weeks.

On a few occasions,

I felt like I wasn't part

Of your intervention at all.

Like you had a goal to achieve.

And whether the discussion

Was to be of benefit to me or not,

You insisted we would have it.

Like I hadn't said I don't need it.

Then there was your colleague

Who was obviously surprised

I wasn't preoccupied with the topic

Of what felt like it was her homework.

So she instead barged in asking

Personal questions as to what

Else could be preoccupying me then,

As if this was anything appropriate.

I mean, I'd never met this girl

Before that moment, and the both

Of you decided we'd talk

Whether I wanted to or not.

It was a mind-boggingly weird

Thing to be experiencing.

Made me wonder where your heads

Were at to not see this isn't done.

Especially for that moment's context:

By the door of the food bank centre

Waiting to go in in a few minutes.

It just didn't make any sense to me.

Sure, you are intervenantes,

But for goodness sake,

The fact alone isn't enough to assume

Everyone wants to talk to you.

Talking personal stuff with strangers 

Is really not my thing.  I'm surprised

My conditions you know about didn't 

Clue you in on this obvious symptom.

It also surprised me that you two were

Surprised covid wasn't a preoccupation

For me in my life, at least not completely.

There are other more pressing things, like:

I'm going to the food bank?  I'd say

That is a pretty good clue.  Sometimes I get

The feeling 'helpers' are so disconnected

To the reality their clients are living.

And that day, you made me feel

So uncomfortable, so very awkward,

'Cause the two of you didn't listen

At all, and I felt forced to give answers,

When really, I'd just told you

I'm fine, I have no questions about it.

Your insistance really threw me off,

And I really don't like being rude.

The whole deal felt like it was for you.

It had nothing to do with helping me.

To have that feeling be felt again

Just plays on my doubts this is wise;

I mean, to get back into this system.

I'm having a hard time shaking off

The feeling that it's a regressive step

For me to even be contemplating.

So, I'm sorry if my recalcitrance

Bursts your bubble a little;

Just remember that your clients

Have experiences that come with them,

And some of them will never fit with

All of the criteria, or what you studied.

Real life isn't so cut and dry, and

Helping starts with understanding.

Never assume that the standards

I'm currently incapable of meeting

Are just a question of guidance

And time to get myself up there.

The idea that I don't know

My own situation, my own capabilities,

It's short-sighted and condescending.

I know that's not what you mean.

Anyhow, I hope you'll understand

I think you're a great person, it's clear

You want to make a difference.

Just, don't forget your client when you try.

- ooh, rhymes ... and super cheery, to boot... ;)

Kind of getting harder to find some fucks

'Cause this living business truly sucks

The belief that it has any deep meaning

Is a pure construct of the human being

Don't get me started on the idea of purpose

That is simply the most preposterous

How's this for a thought?  It has no point

Not saying it in the hopes to disappoint

But we come from nothing

And we leave to nothing

And everything in between is just a delay

Filled with distractions on how to allay

The inevitable truth we're nothing special

And our existence has no tones of crucial

So yeah, my fucks have been diminishing

There is very little left in me to be wishing

- repost... "help" systems in place in our societies operate in ways that can hardly be qualified as helpful more often than not... I tried to convey how the experience has often left me feeling... 

 - ça s’explique mal mais…

La situation me semble aussi infiniment absurde que

si on avait placé des juges Olympiques sur le bord de l’eau

pour évaluer la grosseur des bulles et des éclaboussements

que le noyé produisait pendant sa noyade

et qu’on avait analysé chacune de ses tentatives

à se sortir de sa détresse en lui critiquant le fait

qu’elles s’étaient avérées fatalement infructueuses.

C’est à ce point-là incroyable.

(rough English translation)

An astounding case

- not easily explainable but…

The situation seems to me to be as infinitely absurd as

if they’d placed Olympic judges on the riverbank

to evaluate the size of the bubbles and the splashes

that the drowned guy was making while in the process of his drowning

and that they’d analyzed every one of his attempts

at getting himself out of his distress by criticizing him on the fact

that they'd revealed themselves to be fatally unsuccessful.

It’s to that extent incredible.

- thanks for bearing with me... I'll come to terms with it...

It comes down to this

Spend a lifetime

Bogged down

By mental anguish

From those traumas

And one day

Finally start

To get out of it

Only, surprise,

It's your body's turn

To fall apart now

It just keeps getting

Better and better

Doesn't it...

I really try to stay

In a more positive

Frame of mind

But this is

Admittedly

A hard one

To swallow

I'll need a minute

Sure, you worked hard

To acquire your title

And that's something

But I don't know you

And I owe no deference

Or respect toward you

Not for your title anyway

And my not using it

Doesn't mean disrespect

It's just that you and I

We're only humans

And it makes no sense

To elevate you above

Any other person I meet

Just 'cause you have a title

So I'm sorry, I can't 

I'll never address you

By any title you achieved

This forced expectation

I should mind your "station"

Doesn't sit well with me

- been on waiting lists for specialists since December... suspected diagnosis is hEDS, a degenerative condition which affects the connective tissues of the body... 

When a simple walk

Is an activity that

Has the ability

To injure your legs

You know something

Is not quite right

When every part

Of each of your extremities

Are strained by movement

And want to shatter

To pieces under the pain

While recovery is increasingly

Difficult to achieve

It doesn't leave much doubt

That your body's embarked

On a path to clear debilitation

So now finding a way to adapt

Is the supplemental challenge

You must learn to deal with

For losing your body's

Good usage isn't easy to accept

And aside the constant pain

Sadness and frustrations have

Ways of taking all breathing room

pas pour faire ma tannante

mais si cela continue

j'vais développer un complexe là

ça veut dire quoi 

sans jamais dire

quoi que ce soit ?

tant d'interprétations possibles,

et bien sûr, les miennes ne

penchent jamais vers le meilleur

comme j'ai dit, pas pour

faire ma tannante, mais là,

qu'est-ce que j'dois comprendre ?

- follow up to my post "Vaccine Hopes"...

I thought I should give a

Follow up about my vaccine

And how it turned out

Concerning side-effects.

I'm happy to say that my

System actually tolerated it!

There were no adverse effects,

Just a disabled arm for 2 days.

It was most painful in a way

That I couldn't move or use

My arm during this period.

It was the strangest thing.

But that's it.

Nothing else.

So, all's good!

A huge relief.

Next dose in four.

- reworked this one a little 'cause my first version was a bit more all over the place 'cause of my anxiety trying to present the experience ...

the first plane travel was incredibly overwhelming, but I did it... I always joke with my douce moitié that he surely doesn't doubt how much I love him after that ;) ... sorry, a bit long and rambly, but it was quite the experience...

Ok, try to picture this, if you will:

Thirty years living with agoraphobia et al.,

But another thing about me:  since toddlerhood,

I somehow became very fearful of man-made

Things (bridges, overpasses, etc);  like I knew

These things could crumble at any time.

So you can probably guess, forget not having

My feet firmly on solid ground, so no way in hell

I'd sit thousands of kilometers up in the air.

But due to circumstances, my douce moitié was not home,

He'd been living in England for months on end in order to

Be able to work, so it would have to be me who travels in

Order for us to be able to see one another.  And so, against

Every odd, I took a plane to England... on my own.

I was sick for a few weeks before the flight.

My nerves completely shot, and I'll spare

You the details of my stomach's antics,

But I really wasn't sure I'd manage it.

I was terrified; the thought horrified.

So, I spent a lot of time talking to myself,

And working really hard to not let these

Problems of mine ruin the best opportunity

Of my life to travel to England; but not

Only that, to be with my love again!

I missed him too much.  But my terror

Was a mighty and formidable opponent,

So, for days it went on, and on the day,

It still wasn't any better, but I pushed on,

Little step by little step.  Since I'd never

Flown in my life, there was the whole

Process to suss out as well, oh what fun. 

But I surprisingly didn't do too bad.  Still,

I sat on the plane; really not feeling good.

For seven hours, it was a ride from hell.

I spent the whole time keeping my nerves

In check so as to not lose my cool, so to speak.

Having a panic attack breakdown is not the time.

I did a lot of breathing exercises, and distraction

Methods all throughout the journey, but

Here again, I was doubtful at times that I'd manage.

But I did.  However, you can probably guess

That I must have looked a sight on my arrival,

And I evidently did, 'cause border control

Retained me, searched my baggage, read my journal(!),

Took my fingerprints and photos, and made me

Wait in a locked room for eight long hours!

Apparently my answers to the agents weren't

Satisfactory.  I haven't the slightest clue what

It is that I said which made them suspect my

visit to their country.  This nearly stretched

Me beyond my capacity to not breakdown,

It was way too nervewracking.  But, they stamped

My passport in the end, and wished me a good time.

My douce moitié was so livid - he nearly got

Himself arrested at the airport! (so not his nature!)

Profusely apologizing for such a rude welcome,

He was so beyond embarrassed, blood boiling,

But to be honest, I was too relieved and

Happy to be in his arms at long last.

We quickly found our center together.

I also told him to not apologize for something

He had nothing to do, you know, as Brits do (wink).

He's just a darling heart that man, I smile thinking of this.

The first plane travel was a truly gruelling experience,

And although I was able to manage all of my symptoms,

It didn't lessen with the subsequent flights I had to take.

It's not as intense when I travel with my douce moitié,

But I don't think I will ever, ever enjoy travelling this way.