F.i.in.e Moods

- joining in usually causes discomfort, loss for words, shock, or pity... none of which I care to bring on... 

Mingling with people

Puts me in a bad spot.

They talk of their lives,

Families, memories.

And I really can't reply

With very much of mine.

My life, family, memories are

Mainly uncomfortable to hear.

So I always need to gauge

Very carefully what I say.

I can't spontaneously share what

Comes to mind on what they say.

So I listen and I smile with them,

But I'll never be able to join in.

I know what happens when I do,

And I don't care to deal with that.

They get to feel discomfort,

But imagine mine at theirs.

It's just my life, family, and

Memories; my experiences.

If I can't talk about what I've lived,

What am I meant to do, make it up?

Fat chance that I'd ever be able to

Do that.  Instead, I just keep quiet.

« Elle a trouvé toutes les façons pour se cacher

Maintenant dans une foule elle est toujours dissimulée

Mais elle n'a jamais cherché d'façons pour oublier

Elle r'garde le monde autour desfois pour se rappeler  » - 

 excerpt of "Délinquance" by Vilain Pingouin

- it's been so long ago since I've passed by or set foot on those streets... my new place of employment is right in the heart of it... those words by VP are ever more true now...

It's a bit of the song

That describes it perfectly.

And being in the place again

Brings me back to those days.

It's been so long

Since the last time

I set foot here...

But it's all still there.

And I manage to

Feel a certain sense

Of nostalgia I can't

Explain too well.

Parts of me sorely miss it,

But that makes no sense...

Still, there's something

About it that's been a loss.                              (when I left)

A certain freedom, perhaps?

Amidst all of the detrimental.

Something about it was still a lot

Simpler than being "in the margins".

It probably comes off as

The ramblings of a fool,

But being back here, surprisingly

Manages to stir a lot inside...

Good and bad all at once,

Yet from a detachment of sorts,

Yet still very much connected,

Even though it's all been long over.

Where I started from

And where I am now...

Being here again

Pulls a sharp contrast.

- huh? 

Two girls talking one afternoon, snippet :

The first girl was explaining, "Well, I'll be honest with you. 

I don't find my very short hair all that particularly pretty,

but after having had my hair down passed the middle of

my back pretty much all of my life, I came to a point that

I just couldn't do it anymore.  The whole hour of care,

washing and drying that length of hair.  Now I'm all for

practicality, and I really don't want the fuss anymore,

no matter what it looks like."

The other girl responded the strangest thing, saying,

"You're petite and skinny, it suits you really well, actually."

The first girl's been thinking about it ever since. 

She couldn't for the life of her understand what

one thing had to do with the other. 

The link is still not coming to her.

- service provider woes... been in communications since September 7... try not to let it get to me, but it's taking a lot of time to deal with I wish I didn't have to...

Oh, they're killing me

I swear, they are

Their disorganization

Is astroundingly bad

Oh, they say the bills

Have been paid

But there's no sign

Of any such transaction

Oh, they keep answering

They got the payment

From my very own account,

But I swear, they really didn't

Oh, I can't seem to get it

Across to them

I'm four emails in explaining

Yet they insist they're paid

Oh, what the hell?

How can you screw up

So bad as to take money

From someone else?

And don't reply for five days

and the count continues

- together 16 years... very happily... 

Look, best to mind your own business.

You don't know the life I've had, and

For you to suggest there's something

Unnatural going on about our union

Is really putting your foot in your mouth.

To begin with, I'm not so weak as to not

Possess full awareness of my decisions,

Or am I easily bossed around in my life.

Being victim to manipulation isn't

Something I don't have experience with,

So I can well spot it when it's happening.

The fact that he is considerably older

Than I am doesn't automatically mean

That there's something fishy going on,

Or remotely unhealthy about it either.

My ability for determination isn't M.I.A.

So really, best to mind your own business.

No abuse is going on here, only pure love,

And I really don't need to justify it to you

So you can somehow feel more comfortable

About something that isn't happening in the first

Place, only in your judgemental imagination.  

- 3 weeks at my new job done... it's not been easy, but I've been managing really well so far and enjoying myself... except for yesterday... the most challenging day I've come across yet... sorry long and not exactly exciting, but it's what's going on...

The work laptop I was provided

Is a Mac, and it's my first experience

Really working on one.  So, not all

Too familiar with this system yet, plus

I have no admin access to anything,

Naturally, so it's making things a little

Annoying to have to depend on an IT dept.

Slows things down very considerably.

Yesterday, pretty much all day,

I had no access to my work accounts

Because of a username issue that

The dear IT dept had to change recently

Due to an error they made when they

Set it up.  They'd put one of my first

Names as my family name and so

Broke their own naming convention.

But they forgot the basics of updating

The new username in all of their systems

And networks, so when I restarted

My laptop that morning, I needed

A recovery key from admin to

Continue the bootup to the desktop

(Some system crash had happened).

The dear entered the key, and that's

When my horror furthered that day.

First, the Wi-Fi wouldn't connect

Anymore; of course, username...

Then once that was recovered,

All of the laptop was completely

Reset as a new user would have it.

And all of my work accounts

Didn't recognize me for login.

The tech wasn't in the building

Anymore by the time I realized

My accesses were all gone.

There was absolutely nothing

That I could do but wait for

The tech to be available.

When he was, he remotely accessed

My laptop, and reinstated most of

My accounts, the others I'd have to

Go through the Pay dept, and the

Specific software dept to recover those.

So, it was a lot of steps, a lot of waiting,

To then by four pm, finally have all

Of my accounts back... but the day

Was over.  I missed every part of

What I was supposed to work on

Yesterday, and it deeply upset me.

So much so, that at lunch time,

I went outside to an isolated

Spot on the side parking lot

And let the tears come out.

I seriously felt awful about the

Whole situation, and all I wanted

To do was evade it, go back home.

So yesterday was an exercise in 

« Gestions des émotions » ;

My anxiety levels were wringing

My neck.  I don't deal well with

Feelings of helplessness, and

Yesterday, there was nothing I

Could do to resolve anything. 

It really overwhelmed me...

Well, I'm very tired too,

'Cause being out of the house,

Travelling and being with

People all day full-time has

Been taking a lot of energy

Out of me, so there's probably

That at play too for how yesterday

Made me react so emotionally.

It's the only day anything like

This has happened so far, so

I'm doing pretty well with my

Adaptation of this new routine

In my life.  Not only that, I'm

Deriving a lot of pleasure from it

As well, the job is just great.

All of the things around it I'm

Working on, but I feel I'll be ok.

The hardest part for me

About my unwell kin

Was to reason about their malice

As being traits of their illnesses.

I sort of understood,

But still...

Je ne suis plus capable, et

Pour autant que j'essaye,

Cela n'abouti toujours à rien.

Je les aime de tout mon

Être, mais pour eux, il est

Clair que je ne suis rien.

J'ai tenté du mieux que

J'ai pu avec ce que j'avais,

Mais c'était tout pour rien.

Ils ne sont pas heureux.

Ils ne veulent plus savoir.

Je me retrouve laissée à rien.

- disorganization at its grandest...

Dear service provider,

My customer account indicates

That two invoice payments

Went through and were cleared.

However, where you got the

Payments from is proving to

Be a lot less clear to me :

No withdrawals can be seen

As having been made by you in

My financial account any time.

This is a bit concerning,

'Cause who's the poor sod

Who paid for my service then?

Strikes me as ridiculous

And certainly does nothing to

Elevate my confidence in you!

Yeah, I guess

I keep coming

Back to all of that

'Cause I'm surpised

Beyond anything as

Realization insists

I may have finally

Found my way out.

I'm surpised 'cause

My belief was pretty 

Set a long time ago

That there'd be no way

I'd ever get away from

Where I was thrown in

And completely stuck.

It was insurmountable

On a permanent basis

Is what it'd always felt

Like having to deal

With what was given

My way, and then,

With the consequences

Of those things received.

It's a happy surprise

To be proven wrong.

I seriously never thought

I'd ever get away from

All of that stuff...

I can't describe to you

My amazement.

Or my relief, either.

It feels good to be alive.

Ha, I just said that.