Ashes Of My Burned Past

Someday I'll be standing on the ashes of my burned past.
Right there and then I'd be a man with reason.
To pave the way across the ocean
And to be able to overcome the break of my heart.

You'd never be able to find me.
Even If you searched the whole wide world
I'd be Invisible to your eyes.
If you want to really find me
Just search through your heart.
I'd just be a memory
Of the life I never had.

I'd still be there to look after you.
So you'll never have to be sad.
I'll bring you the happiness of the world.
I'll never let your smile fade.
I promise.
For you I'll be a mere shadow
Within the dark.



Poetry by Manish Pokharel
Read 428 times
Written on 2018-07-22 at 17:28

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The first thing that came to my mind was one of my favorite songs by Alter Bridge: Watch Over You.
I love the opening two lines. The rest has a general aura to it.

Since you're going with "To pave" to start with, the use of two "to"s in the following "to be able to" sounds awkward.

I'd prefer if you were more specific, more you in your pieces. For example, "If you want to really find me
Just search through your heart." This I've read a thousand times before. It goes without saying you should avoid clichés as such.

I've also noticed your writing in general has a lot of "I'll"(I will) or it's variations. Try writing some outside of your usual comfort zone.
2018-07-23


one trick pony The PoetBay support member heart!
This is a sweet testament of love, heartfelt and truly poetic.
2018-07-22