- knocking myself out is the method I used to utilize to stop myself from doing the other more dramatic thing that was going on in my mind during its less well moments...

although one knows it's a horrible method, the sensation of that solution is nonetheless still present, especially when that other thing pops back up, which always does with a vengeance and a clear mission... so that wish of feeling it again resurfaces with it...

I haven't satisfied that wish in ten years now, but I inexplicably feel it very much lately even though I don't feel that I'm in a severe depressive state ... the obsessiveness which only usually comes with the depressive state is present though which isn't a good sign... well, my musings are a good indication too... 

so I've notified my therapist and we'll be covering that at our next meeting next month... probably not good to spend time writing out the fantasizing... but it lets the thoughts out instead of leaving them to circle around in my mind... 

Oh what would I give...

To have the opportunity

To get myself so wasted

It knocks me out cold.

Can never can get away

From that now long-lost

Way, it always creeps

Up one way or another.

Not feel anything

Anymore, not be

Aware of living,

Not exist for a while,

Be completely turned

Off, as it were, and just

Not be there in any way.

Oh what would I give...