COMA


Can you see me in this dark?
I'm lost inside this spark.
Lightbulbs lead my way
but they lead me astray.

It's a consciousness maze.
I've been trapped here for days.
To sense death within your life.
To endure your body's strife.

I hear the things that you say.
Maybe I'll be back someday.
It's not up to me, I don't call the shots.
Time is a gift, not lots and lots.

Lightbulbs lead my way
but they lead me astray.
I'm lost inside this spark.
Can you see me in this dark?



Poetry by Daybreaker
Read 965 times
Written on 2007-03-03 at 12:54

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Kathy Lockhart
Dan this took me through that maze. I felt I was inside your consciousness and saw through your eyes and felt with your mind each turn and wall within this dark domain. The use of light bulbs is so interesting and effective. I felt an overall sense of a miner's cave lit only by the occasional minuscule glimpse of light.
Wonderful and powerful poetry.
2007-03-03


Zoya Zaidi
'Lightbulbs lead my way
but they lead me astray.
I'm lost inside this spark.
Can you see me in this dark?'

I like the refrain Dan!

and this line:

'It's not up to me, I don't call the shots.'

(((hugs)))
Love, Zoya

Language: 5
Format: 5
Mood: 5
Overall: 5
2007-03-03


Individuality
a good piece, a little basic with the rhyme scheme but that's fine.

Language: 3
Format: 4
Mood: 4
Overall: 3
2007-03-03