Marie

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An update on me. I'll put this in diary later, but right now, I just want my friends to know without having to visit my page...

Emotional Abuse

Written 2006-03-07

3/2/06
I have been under my mother's emotional abuse for years. It began, from what I remember, when I was in second grade (but possibly sooner). We always would fight in the morning, before I went to school, and I guess, one day I started calling her fat.
Ever since then, she has been trying to get back at me. I have been called fat, ugly, bitch, slut, cunt, whore, retard, stupid, and been told to kill myself. Not once, but twice.
I've always known in my heart that I was emotionally abused. But I never thought it was by others' definitions that I was. While looking through my Parenting class binder, this was confirmed. As soon as I read "Emotional-Occurs when the child is repeatedly criticized, humiliated, and made to feel worthless", I knew. I don't know about humiliated, but the others were right on the money. Also, I suffer from some signs of child abuse, including "Depression, running away, aggression, and wearing long sleeves in warm weather". I don't run away anymore, because I realize there is no escape. And the long sleeves might have meant physical abuse. But yes, I suffer from depression, and I sometimes have aggression problems.
The worst part is that all this doesn't matter. It hurts, yes, but not physically. Thus, the law enforcers in this country (America), don't care. Emotional abuse is not taken seriously, even if it can lead to drugs, alcohol, cutting, homocide, serial murders, and suicide. The blame is put upon the child (or teenager or adult) then. Even if it is the parents fault, the child is blamed for taking such actions. In the law's eyes, not in mine. In my eyes, such views are disgusting. The child cannot always help it when they know no other way. They are taught violence through words, and take this violence out physically.
The law needs to take emotional abuse seriously. I know, such actions could lead to false claim, but what about the real cases? What about the suicides that emotional abuse caused? Do they ever think about that? Does the law even KNOW of the deaths that could have been avoided if only they had paid attention?


3/3/06
I am depressed. I hate it. I know lots of people have it worse than me. So I am pitying myself. Which is wrong. I always think of other people. This interested a psychologist at one point. At the time, I had no idea why, but know I do. I don't want to deal with my own problems. Because that would be pitying myself.
My mom always told me not to pity myself and to quit pouting. I am beginning to realize she's wrong. It's okay to feel sad. But how do you undo 15 years of programming?
I can't even cry for myself. That's how f*cked up I am. I can feel like I'm going to cry (or cry if I'm REALLY angrily upset), but if I just feel like it, the tears never release. Like now. I feel like crying but I CAN'T. I just can't...


3/3/06
I've been incredibly sad lately. Not cutting-sad. I don't feel like cutting. I'm just...sad. Almost an emotional breakdown. I DO feel like I'm crumbling...
Ever since my mom freaked out at me because I slammed her car door. I am less important than a car door, I have just been informed. My brother just told me my laughing at "everything" on TV was annoying.
And I'm taking all this in. I am trying to shut down every emotion, but hurt remains. I can't shut it down. My heart literally aches for something more. I just want the abuse to stop. I want to be able to love myself, but three more years of this and I might never be able to.

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