Nabeela Altaf

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Because Now I'm a 20

Written 2014-02-08

Dear Friend,
I'm sure you are worried about me because I haven't written since my 13th birthday and a lot of time has passed. Like a lot. I recently underwent my 20th birthday. And this world appears so bleak.
Because now life feels like it has started. For real.
When I turned 10, I finally felt happy about entering a double-digit age. I remember I used to gloat around my friends who were still 9, forcing them to call me 'Bajy', not answering them when they didn't. Life was suddenly about being one major year older, having more responsibilities although I have yet to think what responsibilities befall a 10-year old. But, nevertheless I felt I had grown up and that extra errand didn't hurt the fact.
Years passed and I finally entered my teens. Nothing earth-shattering I guess. I was in that happy state of life where I was a teen forever, nothing could dissipate me from my Eden.
Time passed (again!) and at last I reached my 19th birthday. Now what? I asked myself, quite puzzled because the day I turned 13 seemed like just yesterday. So now my teenage years are just going to end? I'm going to be 20? The massive just-around-the-brink adulthood was almost here where parents were waiting to unload all that trashy adult-hood stuff I had yet to figure out. I admit I went into shock for a few minutes.
This is growing up I think. You change. I turn back and find a stupid, idealistic girl with no inspirations, no real targets, goals. And here I am, in my 20th year, being someone. I think much, ponder over the detailed intricacies which my mind had stubbornly decided to overlook. Adults may still see me as that pony-tailed, knee-bending girl with the silly know-nothing, seen-nothing grin but inside I know how much I've seen and heard. I can judge people better, I know what matters and what doesn't.
But still, I'm not an adult.
You could say we people in our early Tweens, as I call it, are stuck in a limbo, a place where adults never take you seriously but there is always an exclamation mark after their never-ending sentence *You are growing up! Act properly* As if adults really act properly.
We're the misunderstood ones, the left-out, never quite fitting in the kids but not old enough for adult conversations(except those with your bestie)
We have finally understood life, our role in it and but we are still confused about it. This might be the second puberty which hits a 20 year old by slow and obsolete osmosis. We undergo changes not really decipherable on the exterior and parents, not being able to read us well, term us as "being fine". Which could not be further from the truth.
At times escape throttles in our blood, urging us to to just pack and leave. Go anywhere. The mind does not think coherently. At times, we just wanna hide, in the privacy of our own room, not wanting to talk. The times when parents start smirking at each other with the notion hanging in the air *just 5 more years* and all you can keep from slitting your throat is to just sit and grit.
I can say hitting the 20's (Gawd!) was not fun. I was confused and irritated. Confused about what kind of person I was. Irritated because I didn't (don't!) want to grow up into those jerky adults everyone hates. When the clock struck 12 on 6th September, I was glad it was over.
Which might just be the sign that maybe, I've grown up. (Oh god NO!)

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