I have trouble with these sorts of things

I’m blind to emotions but feel them so strongly

My therapist would treat it all as a puzzle to solve

And ask me to assign my feelings colors and shapes and to speak honestly

She said that as if I was an acclaimed liar

She knew me too well perhaps

If financial ruin wouldn’t have stopped our sessions

It would have been for that fact

So I sit here, like a glass half empty,

Trying to remind myself how I truly feel

I wouldn’t say I’m a mood ring but I’m a chameleon at times

I hide in between my stanzas and lines

Beyond her, I’m sure, you know me more than anyone else

If you read my self pity, doubt, love, and confusion

So I guess I have a favor to ask if you dare to keep reading

You can say no and sit back in amusement

I’m trying to find an emotion

Can you help me

I placed it somewhere for safe keeping but forgot

And now I can’t really tell if I am half empty

It’s not that feeling that reminds me of bubble wrap

that pops and snaps so easily

It’s not that shade of mustard yellow and it doesn’t require me to act

And it doesn’t leave me feeling guilty

It’s not the sound of cars honking and people screaming

It doesn’t look like cracks on sidewalks and lovers leaving

It isn’t spilled milk or coffee scorched palms

It doesn’t tell me that we’re supposed to get along

Those two are ruled out but there are so many left

There’s so many possibilities that I worry myself sick

It’s not the one shaped like a triangle, pointed and widens out

It doesn’t turn my chest to a river, my heart to a gong, and give every blink a distressing sound

Not the one that looks as though you closed your eyes

and tried to draw skyscrapers and city traffic

Its not the shade of teal and it doesn’t remind me of feral cats hiding

It doesn’t feel as though you’ve jumped a bridge or found old photos in your dusty attic

That feeling that’s shaped like an incomplete heart

And reminds me of a fly buzzing near my ear

The one that’s a peachy color and is similar to fear

It isn’t present, it’s not here

It tastes bland and reminds me of a numb tongue

It’s sleep paralysis at its worst and its ignorance at best

Its almost comfortable until I notice that I’m feeling it

Then it swallows my soul and begs you to take a guess

I’m trying to find an emotion

Have you found it?