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March 3, 2022.

the war of a step forward

i gave up the good things by accident
picking up a pen took too much energy
a paintbrush became a 100 pound weight
and i noticed i was losing big pieces of me

but i had purged myself of the bad too
no more watching the release of blood
no more impulsivity and holding a grudge
and i noticed i was sinking out of the driver's seat

the days were full of numbness,
dim lights, and being wrapped in blankets
so tightly like the cocoon i guess i am
and i knew i wasn't going to grow in this plot of land

but i swear to you in the sensitive scale
that is fear and sorrow
i was just trying to find that safe place to fall
and i realized there is none

so i wasted away under my own thumb
crying out dust and paralyzed by my possibilities
the compass had broke and my eyes could only look down
it was an overwhelmed pity laced emptiness and i couldn't say it out loud

but i was so ready for that one step forward
i told myself "you clearly aren't happy now,
so if you want that to change-- you're going to give yourself that love
and spoon feed yourself faith"

Poetry by aidan haskel