Mitch Hedberg , in memoriam .I.
here are some Mitch Hedberg quotations :
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job with Mrs. Paul's. Just put me in a boat with some empty boxes... and I will return them to the freeze section of your neighborhood grocery store.
Y'know when there's a fishing show on TV, they catch the fish, but let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do wanna make it late for something. "Where were you?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit! Let me see the inside of your lip."
Snake Bite Emergency Repair kit is a body bag.
I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial 9?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try 4 and 5 back to back real quick."
I can't eat spaghetti. Too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, one-thousand of something is too many. I'll have one-thousand pieces of noodle.
I was in Ireland performing and I... (audience member: Woo-Hoo!) That's right. That's why I left, cuz fuckers go, "Woo-Hoo!" And I got sick of that shit. I can't take Woo-Hoo anymore. And I'll be God damned if they're not here too.
If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. "Hey, I just lost my wallet. But, fuck this song is funky... Fuck it!"
I wish I could play Little League now, I'd kick some fucking ass. I'd be way better than before... they'd back up now.
You know Krazy Straws, they go all over the place. These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They said, "We're goin' straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there... he's crazy."
I play golf. I'm not good at golf. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore." But I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
You should never tell someone they got a nice dimple because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says "Do Not Disturb." It's time we go with Don't Disturb. It's been Do Not for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. Don't Disturb. Do not psyches you out. "Do" -- all right I get to disturb this guy. "Not" -- shit! I need to read faster!
** Mitch , damn , why did you have to go and die on us , man.
The warmest hug goes to your wife , Lynn Shawcroft .
Hang in there girl.
Poetry by Lourdes
Read 898 times
Written on 2006-08-21 at 14:49
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