The Torments in the Back of my Mind
Why is life so hard sometimes? And no matter what you do, things seem to never work. You try to get over things but they always torment you. I've been trying to block out and deal with this one issue but it just won't go away. The worst thing is that I know it's over and there is no chance of anything to develop but I just can't get over it. It's such a horrible feeling, and I never been through this before so it's even harder. I literally moved out of a state in order to get over this problem and heal but I think (well I know) that I'm just pushing it in the back of my head. I just want to get over this disease. I want to tell her how I feel: how I hated all the shit you put me through; how you left me in the dark by myself; but also how you did make something worthwhile in my life; how I would be by your side no matter what happens; how I would do anything to just to see you smile and be satisfied. But I know it's impossible and just irrational thinking. I did everything but it meant nothing in the end. She has long moved on and probably just thinks of me as a pathetic psycho case who needs help. But it's just so hard to accept it. I think about her every single time that I leave my mind alone, thus the reason why I try to keep myself as occupied as humanly possible. I just want her to get out of my mind and for me to move on. And it seems no one is helping me. They just want to help my "other" problems...this "little" infatuation will blow over. Well it's been almost a freakin year and she still torments my thoughts, my rationale, my entire mind. Wosrt thing is that I know she can't even bare look at me without getting uncomfortable or disgusted. And there's no feeling worse than the neglect of an angel. My rational side knows it over but my irrational side just wants to grab her and hold her til everything is better. I have never been happier in my life than that September that we frequently hung out. It seems very short but if you knew what I been through, you would understand why that one month keeps replaying in my mind. In the end, I just want her to be happy...even if it's not with me. Unfortunately, that's how much I care about her. No matter what and how much she despises me...she will always have a special place in my heart (and there are truly a very few people who I hold dear to me). Even though I wish we would be together (whether for 10 years or even just 10 seconds), I know it will never be and I need to learn to accept it. God let these torments end.Brand New - The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand.
I hope you find out what you are.
I already know what I am.
And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again.
And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
I'll grow old, start acting my age.
I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.
A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone.
And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state.
You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way.
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down.
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out.
It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room,
When I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds.
So call it quits or get a grip. So you wanted a solution.
You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet.
I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget...
So you can forget
You can forget
You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold.
Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.
Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke.
You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins.
Holding onto yourself the best you can.
You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not.
I'm glad that you can forgive.
Only hoping as time goes, you can forget.
Diary by Barry
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Written on 2007-11-05 at 07:25
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