Some thoughts from this haven...


Shelly Beach

These letters to my past
Taken long to send away
Laying here on granite rocks
As ocean scents drift over
Years ago as tides rushed in
When the blue was soft and greener
Formed rivers through the weeds
It's back-then I do discover

The splashing days of sun
Of youth without the cracks
From years of careless trauma
I will write to you today

Mail to me some innocence
Just the smallest part will do
From there I'll plant a seed
A tree of life from it will grow
This gift I will await
Till the patient eye of the soul
Finds these sweetest memories
Floating freely over the ocean





Poetry by Eli The PoetBay support member heart!
Read 587 times
Written on 2009-04-01 at 10:20

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Kee Zealy The PoetBay support member heart!
What is it about the ocean? Is it healing waters, the birth of pleasant memories, sand buried between your toes?

Whatever it is, this poem deliver these kind of thoughts to me. Lovely write.
2009-04-06


Eli The PoetBay support member heart!
Thanks William.

Perhaps not entirely as you have kindly suggested, although I think it is better now. I've included the original last three lines below for anyone wishing to make a comparison.

With the patient eye of the soul
Till then my sweetest memories
I'll lay floating on this sea
2009-04-01



The unexpectedness of the phrase "mail to me some innocence" really clinches this nicely written poem, I think. The classic iambic meter contrasts nicely with the interesting idea of the line.

The only thing different I might have done is possibly having the memories themselves floating on the sea in the last line, rather than the narrator of the poem. ...Or maybe launching them (memories) out to sea from the beach.

It's a very satisfying poem--I think one of the best of many good ones you have written.

Regards,
William
2009-04-01



Nothing like the beach, the sea, is there ... for comfort and perspective.
2009-04-01