my first poetbay post, 16 Jan 09; edited with format changes




Evanescence

every time the phone rings
my heart still stops
even in my quietude 
or staring at my daughter's locks
I know it will evanesce
that one day I'll be free
as every moments passes
I'm drawn further away from thee

I've words in my heart to save
and others that will be drawn
the music that it sings to me
leads to a bright new dawn
for souls that pass but once
burst orange, then red, then black
still heal the inner wound
and one can not turn back

the peace and resolution
the void then left behind
to cradle the love abundant
and escape the troubled mind
for fears are like the petals
that die yet nurture growth
count the blessings, smile at nature
this is now my oath





Poetry by Eli The PoetBay support member heart!
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Written on 2009-04-05 at 03:08

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Rob Graber
A second comment: To my ear, the lines of perfect iambic trimeter are 6, 12, 13, 15, 16, 18, and 22. Effective variations include ad added unstressed syllable at the end (lines 17 and 21); not so sure about changing the number of beats (to two in line 2, or four in line 4, for example). In any case, conscious manipulation of the effects of regular, "perfect" meter in contrast to such variations is one of the great, subtle features of well-crafted poetry. Again: I like this poem!
2009-04-05


Rob Graber
Well done; I like especially the simile at the end. A technical point: The second and third stanzas scan well as mainly iambic trimeter (three beats per line usually "upbeats" --duh-DUH, duh-DUH, duh-DUH); but not the first stanza
2009-04-05