I'm a little aware of the elements of this poem which appear corny or unoriginal, which is why I've thrown it into the pool for honest critque...


Life II


vision eludes
the sleepy eye
safe inside
not learnt to cry
amniotic cradle
till birth does bring
when senses erupt
into a lake of spring

objects are close
all the world is one
reach it and touch
feel the heat of the sun
noises are gargled
fingers soft in the slumber
till age takes this babe
toward the long path of summer

feelings crushed and resolved
some days the field is a war
casting eyes back to youth
ponders dreams left before
struggles leave, peace is found
the clouded path brings good fortune
and with colour's descent
there is the last taste of autumn

now barren and lonely
all in life most behind
the reflections of days
not completely unkind
it was meant to teach all
and though only a splinter
still a smile in the heart
on that last day of winter





Poetry by Eli The PoetBay support member heart!
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Written on 2010-04-11 at 14:00

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Christin Brennan
hey! congrats on being on the first page! here are my comments, hope they can be of help :)

-'...objects are close/ all the world is one/ reach it and touch...'> 2 things-'all the world is one'...you must have been thinking of this line when you mentioned something about being cheesy. if so or if not, i agree. cliches are on the hit list when trying to write poetry, but this line is the exception, it shouldn't be a mile away from anyone with a pen & paper. i'm not trying to be dramatic either. as for the first three lines in this same stanza, you're as clear as fog. 'objects are close' doesn't connect in any way to anything in this poem, & if i missed it all together, pls enlighten me so i won't be in the dark here. another thing that comes to mind is the feeling of a foreign perspective (not people foreign).
i love it i just wish it wasn't spotted here & there. what makes this personal observation of mine inflict with that third eye vibe, i haven't a clue. sorry, that's all i got for that one

-'...the clouded path brings good fortune...'> i was very drawn to this line because it gave just enough room for various interpretations. i took it as the clouded past, overhead & grey as tribulation one must face sometime in life, & though hard & unpleasant, when the trial is over, whatever & however the light came back, you're out of the fog & karma will pay you back in justice, good fortune will recycle itself your way in it's own good time.

-'...still a smile in the heart...'> uh oh, these warm & fuzzy cliches have got to stop. there's no talent in sliding in another man's token phrases when poetry is made in the mind of it's creator. creativity can be tough & wearing at the end of the day, but i think you'll find more appreciation from yourself & the reader.

cheers,
christin
2010-04-16


Editorial Team The PoetBay support member heart!
This text has been chosen to be featured on the front page of PoetBay. Thank you for posting it on our poetry web site.
2010-04-15



I think the third stanza stands out. It has a natural rhythm and a satisfying tone. Good work.
2010-04-11