I have also submitted this on The Poetry Forum for comments. I would like to know what you think of it as well. Constructive critique is always welcome, be it positive or negative.

Does the poem create an emotional response?
What does it mean?
Would


Poem: Subtopia

As an omen before a plague
like dying fire barely visible
prophecies - suspiciously vague
faith - the working principle
predictions - found on the past
too late - the die already cast


If I'm to lower expectations
and I admit to having them
my cloak fades in congregations
one voice surfing an anthem
eyelids cannot shut out pain
I speak - to face disdain


Lips touch sandals as I bow
shame - my given currency
I'll never own a horn to blow
cannot flee my blatancy
from scorn I'll hide away
in solitude I'd rather stay


In this prison of my mind
I must beg - pretty please
give me reason to be kind
down a peg - to find release
subterfuge is sorrow's ploy
to settle suburbs of joy



Poetry by Kjotleik of Norway
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Written on 2013-02-09 at 06:25

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Kjotleik of Norway
Thank you for the feedback Jim.

Maybe the poem is a bit obscure. However, I do believe that a text may take on several different meanings for different readers based on their cultural backgrounds. That is one reason I ask what this poem means when I write it on this forum.

And what about the order of the stanza's. Can any of them stand alone as a poem? Or do they need each other to make sense?

Also, I would like feedback on language, spelling and idioms. English is my 2nd language (I'm Norwegian), so I will appreciate corrections if you spot mistakes.

If you need to read my past poetry I have made it available through MediaFire. Clicking on my username should bring up info on the direct link...

I believe you would have to be logged in at The Poetry Forum in order to see the poem there. It is in the feedback section.


Yours Sincerely

Kjotleik of Norway
2013-02-09



The ab, ab, cc rhyme form is nice, unusual for this site to find such a format. The poem itself is obscure. I could see the connection between the title and the theme, and I think I understand your meaning, but it may be such a personal vision that it becomes difficult for a reader to understand. There is a fine line between being subtle and obscure.

I didn't find the poem on the forum.

I do think reading more of your poems would make your style more familiar, leading to a better a understanding of intent. I hope you post more poems.

jim
2013-02-09