han shan says

Lust, or love; some grasp at it for happiness.

i happen to disagree 

with the way that line is punctuated.

he continues, i paraphrase

but only calamity dwells within the mortal shell.

he seems to think love is a mirage, is inconstant.

he didn't know terri.

~~~

don't you think

i ask myself, or anyone who may listen,

that if it is inconstant, if it is a mirage, if it dies,

then it isn't/wasn’t love, but something lesser.

perhaps infatuation. or, lust. not that infatuation

and lust are bad, for what they are.

it is oh so easy to mistake one for the other.

confused or not, love or lust, grasping for happiness

is what we do, though grasping

seems more deliberate than our actions often are. 

reading han shan too much 

causes me to think

every path is the wrong path

~~~

only the tao is the right path

the tao runs through a forest of bamboo

that bends under the winter snow

~~~

when my hair is gray

i may know the tao

then again, i may not

~~~

i see only what han shan chooses to show me

~~~

there are two ways to read that

the interior and exterior perspectives

~~~

i take a small bite

of crystalized ginger.

i do what i do one hundred times a day,

i reach out and touch terri's hand.

~~~

the most dissatisfied people may

"be found among the unhappy rememberers."

this jars me from my reverie.

i'm beginning to think

all of life's perplexities can be

summed up in one clever line, and i'm not clever.

han shan didn't say that, 

Soren Kierkagaard did.

i don't pretend to understand either man,

and i am vexed by their summary knowledge. 

the most dissatisfied people may

"be found among the unhappy rememberers."

that seems to be a tautology: dissatisfied/unhappy.

the most satisfied people may

be found among the happy rememberers. eh?

i remember when terri looked at me

from across the room, my heart beat so hard,

and my breath came short, i remember that happily

i remember something else which was bad

and i remember that unhappily.

if looking back on unhappiness obviates satisfaction

then lord help those who felt the boot, metaphorical or otherwise

aphorisms are the bonbons of wisdom

i have to read all of it, the entire body of han shan

and soren kierkagaard, and decide for myself.

or, i can do what i'm about to do, lift terri's hand

to my lips, and kiss it, and kiss my way up her arm

to her neck, and if there be a god of sundays,

this will be only the beginning.

~~~

i've said how terri likes wes montgomery

she pandoras wes, and we make love

sunday afternoon love is special

perhaps we should have entered Handel

it is easter

~~~

i distance myself 

from thoughts of pure evil

and let terri 

take me to that place

at first i go slowly

cognizant

of every kiss and touch

at some point

i become unaware

if only momentarily

of time and place

and live in a world

of sensation and physicality

~~~

our bodies behave 

remarkably well

to stimulation

it seemed to take 

forever

to learn c, f, and g

on the guitar

but no time at all

for terri to find my best places

and make me come

and then it's my turn

or hers

depending on point of view

no one taught us this

though, i suppose

we each teach ourselves

under the covers, at night, as kids 

at least those with a natural sense of curiosity

and at least minimal dexterity

~~~

there is more to making love 

than mutual satisifaction

but mutual satisfaction

is the most quantifiable of the more

~~~

i'm happy

classes are going well

my funk 

has passed

my b has risen to its 

rightful place

at b+

and i am back in

professor eliot's good graces

~~~

i’ve been working hard

~~~

i'm happy

with my friends

happy

to be in this city

some love the country

han shan

left the city, or was exiled

and found

sanctuary in the lonely places

of cold mountain

but sanctuary

surely is where you seek it

oh, i'm beginning to sound han shanian

~~~

i know today is easter

~~~

i've never fully understood

the relationship

between easter bunnies and easter eggs

~~~

terri likes to smoke after sex

~~~

maybe that's why my family

thinks she's a dirty girl

i hate that expression

i almost hit my mother

when she said that

she can be crude at times

~~~

let's go, let's go

let's go, let's go

all night long

all night long

~~~

someone in the feelies wrote that

and i say 

good words to live by

~~~

i'm content, i have skills

i can play c, f, and g on the guitar

and i can make terri come

they may not be marketable skills

though

you never know

what path leads to riches and fulfillment

i do know

i am building happy memories

because

even if terri and i go bust

this day is going to be a happy day

and i shan't be one of kiekagaard’s dissatisfied

or one of han shan’s graspers

~~~

a puff of terri's cigarette

a small bite of ginger

to restore my equilibrium

~~~

this is dedicated to my friend, far away,

but always near ~