IB M

- sometimes feels like I have to explain myself as if what I'm doing is very unusual...

I pay a monthly visit

at a place I get errands,

and the security guard

always opens the doors for me,

which is really helpful seeing

as I walk around with poles, so

today he finally asked what that

was about, and I explained.

His immediate reaction

Was to ask where my kids

Are to take care of me,

Since I'm alone at the store.

I told him my kids were

Off taking care of their lives,

As they should, and that

My husband is there for that.

He pointed out he wasn't.

I told him that he really was,

But that I'm pretty stubborn

When it comes to this;

I'll keep doing what I can

Until I can't anymore, so

Since I still can now, I do.

It's bad enough I'm limited

And can't get around much.

I get it may look difficult,

And I probably should have

Someone with me to help,

But I'm not completely there yet.

At some point, this will be

Inevitable, so I'm ok to wait

Before the choice isn't mine.

In the meanwhile, when I can,

I will go places on my own.

Your impression isn't wrong,

It is a bit difficult to get around,

But eventually, I won't be able to...

Now I can, so taking advantage of it.

- she's wholly unimpressed... 

It's really like a wave

Of sheer exasperation

That washes over her

Whenever she's stuck

Having to deal with

Someone like you...

The things that come out of your

Mouth, not to mention what you

Do, greatly convince that you are

A sorry sod, so uninteresting...

None of it gives off a feeling

You have a pampered intellect.

And well, let's admit it, patience

For stupidity isn't her strongsuit.

He answered everything

All of the time

Never once missed

He'd fire away the answers                  (not reruns of the show either)

That's how watching Jeopardy

With Freddie was like

It was quite astonishing

But that was Freddie

A wealth of knowledge

Like no one else has

It was definitely outstanding

He retained everything he learned

It was entertaining to watch him

Truly enjoying this show

He obviously found it a lof of fun

Which made it a lot of fun for me too

The thing, too, is although he was

So knowledgeable, no attitude came with it,

There never was any air he's better than you,

He was just being himself with you.

It was just Freddie.

- my grand-father (step) was quite the character... a scientist through and through, a man in his own world, for sure... a very intelligent man... chemistry, physics, pure mathematics he was a genius at... earned himself a scholarship to Cambridge where he proved or disproved one of Ramanujan's theories... was involved during the war in ballistics...

I remember as a young high school student asking him for help on one of my geometry assignments where I had to figure out the calculations for the irregular shape's area... and he gave me every possible measure possible in the space of a few quick minutes during our call, going as far as how many molecules there were in that irregular shape...

I was not very good in math, but how I learned with this man about all sorts of things on a diverse array of topics... in his later years, after having been a university professor in mathematics, he translated pure mathematics from Russian to English... he learned Russian while riding the bus to Cambridge!  I'd sit hours in his study with him while he did his translations...  I had a spot to sit at his desk, so I learned the Russian alphabet, praticed writing out the letters, and went as far as being able to read Russian a bit when I was 11. He also helped me learn English and we discussed writing together... 

He was unique and the way his mind worked definitely was not like everyone else's around...  I absolutely adored him... he was in my life for only 3 years, but they were memorable years... 

 ..

he spoke with a very proper English... so when he made that exclamation the way he did, it was all Freddie... :)

He was born 14 September 1914 in Nova Scotia... died in 1993 in Québec... 

I remember when my grand-father

Was in the hospital at the end of his life

And how incredibly annoyed he became

When the nurses were around him

Doing what nurses do for their patients

And he let out, in the most exasperated

Calm tone, that he could not for the life of

Him understand all of the fuss since clearly

He was only dying!  Everyone paused

A moment in stunned silence, and I can

Honestly say that I fully got what he meant

A bit of peace and quiet before going

Seemed a most reasonable wish to me

Thankfully, everyone did back off

And he went peacefully a few hours later

He was an amazing and unique man

All these years later, he's still such a big loss

J'en suis plus capable,

car rien de tout ceci n'apporte

quoi que ce soit, c'est juste

moi qui se fait ignorer et qui

ne vaut même pas une minute

de ton temps à répétition,

alors il n'y a plus de raisons

à ce que j'y mette des efforts.

Ton silence en dit long

et j'ai décidé de l'écouter.

- for my sons... young adults with good hearts and good heads figuring out their lives and doing it well... 

for a while, things were not going so well for them, not at all... but now they're leading the way... both on the cusp of promotions in their careers, one with a family, and the other, wanting a nicer place to start his family... they are doing so very well, and they are both happy... I'm beaming with happiness aside the pride... 

I'm so proud of you,

It's not easy to notice

Your problems and

To address them.

You did and you are,

Taking the time to find

Resolutions to make

Things better for yourself.

And it's evidently working,

Look where you're at,

Things are positively moving

Forward for you, it's happening.

It's wonderful to see your goals

Are so clear and on their

Way to being realized,

I'm so very happy for you.

A mother's heart is all smiles.

Il m'a dit qu'il faut y aller

qu'un jour à la fois,

de prendre son temps,

de respirer, et tout ira bien.

He'd said to me that I need to go at it

only day at a time,

to take my time,

to breathe, and everything will be fine.

Il m'a aussi dit qu'il fallait

que je me livre à l'amour divine

et que je me laisse guider par elle...

Mais c'est là qu'il m'a perdu.

He'd also said that I needed

to surrender myself to divine love

and let myself be guided by it...

But that's where he lost me.

Sans irrespect à son égard,

je lui ai confié à ce moment

que j'étais incapable de

concevoir qu'une telle idée existe

Without any disrespect toward him,

I confided in him at that point

that I was incapable to

conceive such an idea exists

Ou de créer une connexion

à une telle pensée non plus.

Je ne peux même pas imaginer

en quoi cela aurait du sens.

or that I can create a connection

to such a thought either.

I can't even imagine

how that would make any sense.

Il m'a regardé un peu étonné

et avec un peu de tristesse, je crois,

mais il m'a dit que je n'avais qu'à

m'ouvrir à l'idée et la laisser me guider.

He'd looked at me a little astonished

and with a bit of sadness, I think,

but he'd said that I only needed to

open myself up to the idea and let it guide me.

Ses mots me restent en tête

même après toutes ces années,

tout comme mon incompréhension,

mais j'ai toujours su qu'il disait ça

His words stay in mind

even after all of these years,

just like my incomprehension,

but I always knew he said this

parce qu'il ne voulait que mon bien.

Il ne me comprenait pas, j'ne le comprenais pas,

mais je sais ce qu'il disait venait du coeur,

au moins ça qui était certain de la situation. 

because he only wanted the best for me.

He didn't understand me, I didn't understand him,

but what he said came from the heart,

at least that was clear in this situation.

- although this does exactly what I said I wouldn't do, just letting it off my chest this once and I'll be done... may not be the best way, but sorry, I have enough of my own things to deal with without adding this stress on top of it all...  

As if it wasn't already enough

That we're having our space,

Our time, and our attention

Highjacked by this consumate

Asshole, we also have to contend

With everyone expressing their

Disbelief and discontent about him.

Everywhere you find yourself,

It's inescapable, everyone's talking

About it all, unloading their stress.                 

And, well, although I understand,

I want no part of it.  I refuse to know

The details about anything he says or

Does, 'cause what's the point?

Idiocy and mindlessness

Padded in sheer callousness

And self-serving purposes

Don't change with more details.

So I remove myself from such talks

And skip anything that mentions him.      (or his cronies)

Because I just can't.

I completely refuse

To have any of my time

Be spent on such a vile character.

I don't need the details to know

It's all bad, that's an established

Given, as well as the damage

He's causing, no surprises there.

It's not me burying my head in sand, but

Furthering our feelings of powerlessness

Doesn't strike as the best course of action.

So to preserve my well-being, my mind,

I don't want to hear what he said,

I don't want to know his latest actions,

'Cause the details really don't make a difference

To the fact it's all incredibly terrible, but expected.

Doesn't change that we can't do anything about it,

'Cause apparently once someone is elected,

There's nothing in place to stop them if they veer.

So for that, I choose to starve him of my attention.

It's the only thing this guy truly deserves in the first place.

- plus con que ça, tu meurs est une expression... un peu difficile à traduire... 

plus con que ça, tu meurs is an expression... a bit difficult to translate... 

c'est à s'demander des fois...

j'ai d'la misère à suivre,

ta logique est si erronée,

mais ça semble t'passer

des mètres par-dessus la tête.

It's a wonder at times...

I'm having trouble following,

Your logic is so flawed,

Yet that seems to go over

Your head by meters.

comment peut-on être si

unaware?

ça n'a pas d'sens.

plus con que ça,

tu meurs, tant qu'à moi.

How can one be so

Unaware?

It doesn't make sense.

Any dumber than that,

you'd die, IMHO.

Unlike most of the other kids

On the streets, I was homeless

Not because I was thrown out,

I was there to keep myself away

From the craziness at home.

I decided this when I was twelve,

And that's when I started roaming

The streets at night and stayed there.

True, there were a lot of troubled

Folks around that environment too,

But it all felt a lot more manageable

Than what was going on at home.

So I met all sorts, did all sorts a preteen

Shouldn't be doing, of course, and this

Would be my life until early adulthood.

Depression and pain were already

A prevalent part of my life at that point,

And the need to make it stop very strong,

So I did an inordinate amount of drugs

For days on end that turned into years

Just so to not feel anymore...

It was that or I kill myself directly.

Granted, this caused other problems,

And it sure wasn't the best solution

I could have come up for myself.

Luckily for me, all this severe substance

Abuse didn't turn into addiction issues.

I was surrounded by many who had them,

Though, and on a few occasions, it brought

On life-threatening situations my way.

One of those situations would change me

For the rest of my life, it's when a friend of

Mine, who was a hardcore heroin addict,

Lost his head one night and beat me to death,

After having spent three days without heroin.

I was a naïve girl at the time, who cared

About people, not realizing how dangerous

Things can get when a heroin addict can't

Get a fix.  I only wanted to help, but that turned

Into a nightmare as fast as a lightning strike.

For years after that, I was not the same,

And completely gripped by terror making

It impossible to do day-to-day activities

Or be in contact with people in any way.

Severe isolation's been the norm a good part.

I officially left the streets at twenty, when

I found out I was expecting my first son.

My instincts were clear that my baby didn't

Need to be in this environment in any way,

So I left everyone I knew there, disappeared.

It feels like a lifetime ago those years,

And in some respect, as if it's someone

Else's story, although I know it's mine.

Just that life now is so far removed from

All I'd known of life for the longest time...

So when I reflect on it all,

There's a feeling of surprise

About how far I've come 'cause

I can't explain how the peace I

Found came to settle like it did.

It's difficult to describe, 

But I can say I'm ok now.

All of that drawn out mayhem

And its debilitating impacts

No longer hold the reigns.

I'm not terrified or gripped by fear,

I go out of my place without a thought,

I see people and talk with them a lot more.

Sure, I still have anxiety to deal with,

But I manage it a hell of a lot better now.

My surprise comes because for so long

I never thought I'd be able to get myself

Out from all of these difficulties, years

So far were indicating it'd never happen.

And then I did and I don't know how.

It feels like it just happened one day

Without my knowledge, and eventually,

I noticed that something was different

With me, how I wasn't feeling the usual

Pain anymore, it just wasn't there at all.

It just finally left me somehow.

Maybe it's because my mind came

To finish its processing of all these

Horrors and finally reached conclusions

It was satisfied with to let it all go.

As I said, I'm not really sure how it

Happened, but I do know I'm ok now.