IB M

Maybe I'm too sensitive,

But all of this leaves me

Feeling isolated and

Humiliated like I haven't

Felt in a very long time.

At no point through this

Process did you leave

Any impression that you

Actually got the seriousness

Of the situation that I'm in.

The fact that my request

Was granted is truly great,

But what's required of me

To keep this 'privilege'

Feels a bit beyond belief.

A second note in six months

Will provide the exact same

Information my first trip to

The doctor's office furnished,

So what exactly is the purpose

Of forcing me to do another trip?

Do you not see the ridiculousness

Of your request in the context?

You're asking that I do the activity,

Which is the cause for my request

In the first place, in order to keep

This gracious accommodation

You're giving me.  Can't you see

How that'd make me feel at all?

I really don't think you get what

It's like to have to organize your life

Around how many places you're able

To physically go, or to be confronted

With the reality of loss of mobility.

You don't get how that affects someone.

If you do, you certainly don't show it.

- basically the same complaint over, I realize... I'm just not getting over it, I guess... sorry for the redundancy, just trying to get this out of my system...

my weekly 3 places :  grocery store, doctor's appointment (between 3 health professionals), work... 

Not once through the process

Did I ever get the impression

That my feelings about having

To make such a request of them

And about being confronted to

A condition that is slowly taking

Away my ability to move around

Have been considered in any way.

Or that the reality of my need

To carefully organize my life

In terms of the places I can go,

And how many I can physically

Do in a week, how adding one

More is problematic physically,

And the reason I had to submit a

Request for an accommodation.

I say this 'cause although they did

In the end accept my request, they

Also want to reevaluate in 6 months,

Meaning I will have to go see the

Doctor again to get a medical note

To continue supporting my 'privilege'

Of going to the office once a week

And managing my condition as needed.

I'm finding this somewhat humiliating.

Since there's no prospect of getting better,

This second note will be the same as first.

So to me, having to go see the doctor again

For no apparent reason feels disheartening.

It's having to go somewhere, and hurt for it,

All for the purpose of getting the same info,

Which feels like a purposeless action to do.

From my perspective, I'm being forced

To do the activity which is the cause

Of my request in the first place, to prove

The accommodation is still reasonable.

Even though the context of this situation

Is about a degenerative condition that

Can never see any improvement, so I'm

Not catching why they're requiring this.

Two years ago I could manage 5 to 6

Places to go in a week, but lately, I can

Barely manage the 3 I now do each week.

Adding another one is a painful prospect;

I have the feeling they just don't get it.

They can't picture what it's like to have

To organize your movements so closely.

So to me, the whole process is just awful,

And it really doesn't leave me feeling uplifted,

Almost regret having made the request now.

- my friend Stéphane was 29... I was 17... we met at a 24-hr Dunkin' Donuts in Montréal one night ('cause my hitchhiking buddy Sébastien had unexpectedly ditched me to go sleep at his relative's and I had nowhere to sleep)... and Stéphane came back with me to Québec to finish his weening of heroin (not a drug I had personal experience with, just friends on it) ... next month is the month it happened all those years ago... October has a lot each year...

I think this write is my way to close that box, so to speak... the last one... finally... 

and about receiving a letter from him after, it certainly was another shock... he also said in it that for the rest of his life he would cut himself with that hunting knife he used, to inflict the same pain he caused me until the day that I am healed... ouf... I can't say that I knew how to receive that... 

On his third day of weening

From heroin, he lost his head.

Wouldn't say it totally came out

Of the blue, 'cause our chat in

The evening was bizarre enough

To indicate something was off,

But nothing life-threatening.

He spent a good part of it trying

To convince me that there are

Ten percent of the population

Who are actually Martians, and

That he was one of them among us.

I listened and didn't challenge

Him as the timing didn't feel right.

When the evening wound to its

End, we went to bed, I, on the

Floor in the living room, he, on

The couch, and all seemed ok,

There was no upset between us,

And I couldn't have guessed what

Would end up happening that night.

At some point in the night, he got

Up, and started kicking me awake

Very forcefully, which was the

Biggest shock, and so unexpected.

I don't remember what he was

Yelling at me while doing this,

But the terror followed me for years.

He then picked me up off the floor

With a solid grasp of my long hair,

And I felt myself being thrown around,

Knocking walls and furniture along,

To then being pinned against a wall,

Him still yelling, and his hand squeezing

My throat cutting the air from entering.

Then for what seemed like it came out

Of nowhere, there was a huge hunting

Knife pressed very hard against my face,

And his eyes were dark with a lot of rage.

He continued yelling, something about

Not believing my kindness wasn't some

Kind of lie or trick to deceive him.

This went on for a while, and the more

Terrified I was, the more I froze and

Withdrew not showing any reaction,

Which only made him even angrier,

And made him lose all self-restraint.

He choked me, tossed me around more,

And simply beat the daylights out of me.

I don't know for how long all of this

Went on, and I don't know how long

I was left on the floor, all bloodied

And in excrutiating pain, feeling my

Life seep out of me, but I remember

When everything went black and

Nothing more of what happened next.

At the hospital, after the coma, I was

Told that it had been necessary to revive

Me, and in a coma a little over a day.

I remember the devastating, soaring

Disappointment I felt to have survived.

I remember the painful wounds,

Cuts from the knife, and from being

Thrown on furniture, walls, floor, being

Kicked, kneed, and punched;  body was

In very poor shape for a while after all that.

As for my mental health, you can no doubt

Well imagine it was not fairing any better.

This incident changed everything for me,

It actually broke the little I had left in me.

And for twenty years, it was impossible

For me to go to sleep without reliving

Each action he made that night, over

And over, and it felt impossible to stop.

I couldn't control it, and I'd get stuck

In those moments feeling it all again

As if it was happening in current times.

It was a perpetual nightmare with no

End in sight for me, so I developed

The fear of going to sleep as a result.

So for years, the only way for me to

Get to sleep was to stay up for days

Until my body crashed on its own and

Forced me to sleep, it usually worked.

But going for days without sleep does

No one's system any good, and falling

Asleep in that manner restored nothing,

So I was so out of energy, my mind in

A constant fog, I felt like a living dead.

And of course, accompanying me through

All of this was depression not letting up.

So yeah, this friend of mine completely

Broke me and my life apart that night.

Thinking back on it all today, I was so

Young and naïve, only wanting to be

Kind to a friend in need not realizing

The danger of the weening process if

You're not experienced to deal with it.

I was killed because my kindness confused

My friend who wasn't used to being treated

Nicely by anyone in his life, that's what he

Explained to me in a letter after the event.

I don't know if that makes any sense, and I

Admittedly have mulled it over for years,

But I've come to realize it's doesn't matter.

What happened, just happened,

It's over now, and I've moved on.

I'm detailing it now to give a

Final record of the experience,

'Cause for the longest time, I truly

Didn't think it'd ever be possible to

Break free from this nightmare.

Couldn't tell you how,

But I did, I finally did.

It's pretty clear in my head

That I will not see myself

Through to the end of this

Deterioration, I will submit

A request for a medically-

Assisted death when it's time.

That is what I meant when

I previously mentionned

That my life will not avert

From ending in suicide.

As for eligibility, not sure,

But that's where I'd start.

When the pain becomes

Too much and I can no

Longer move on my own,

That's when I'll start the

Process, it'll be time then

To have it all stopped.

I realize that may well be

A bit morbid as a thought,

But I don't view it as such.

I'm relieved that the option

Is available in an otherwise

Optionless situation as this.

It's only going to get worse,

And has been getting worse

In the last seven years, I feel

It in my body that there's no

Turning back to good with this.

Each year, I can do far less.

And the pain is only growing.

At some point, I won't be able

To withstand it any longer, it's

Only a matter of time now.

I have a high endurance for it,

But still, it's already difficult.

That will never diminish.

So those are the reasons

For my decision, thought

I should let you know.

I'm hoping that you'll be able

To understand my reasoning.

Eventually, and inevitably,

It'll all become too much.

Out of curiosity,

Is it because it's

Too stupid?

Uninteresting?

Or it doesn't

Generate any

Thoughts?

Or there's really

Nothing to be

Said about it?

Or it's not worth

A response?

Or you fear being

Too personal?

Or it's too poor

An attempt at

Writing overall?

I can't guess.

Dear friend, is everything going ok?

I'll be very honest with you, as your

Friend, I'm a little concerned about

You lately.  I really have the impression

That things aren't as well as should be.

Over the years, I've noticed a few

Tell-tale signs when it comes to

Your health and when it's not going

Too well... I've detected a few recently,

So I just want to make sure you're ok.

Please don't take this as an attack.

You know me well enough now to

Know that it's truly not in my nature

With others, especially those I love.

This is in no way meant to be hurtful.

I feel you tense and on the offensive,

And a rigidity seems to be settling on

Account of this stress you're feeling;

I don't know the cause for this change.

But you know how well I know about

These illnesses, so I easily can detect

When a problem starts to show itself,

And at the moment, it feels very strong,

And I can't help feeling a little worried.

I really hope with all my heart you're ok.

Please take care,

Just a concerned friend... 

How can someone come to believe

Something that has no bearing on

Their experiences actually lived?

How can someone be convinced

By lies that completely contradict

What they've been through in life?

It's difficult to understand the

Dynamics of how someone's

Memories can be high jacked

By another's seething hate

And alter all of everything

To such devastating levels

How do you get someone to

Come back to the love and

All of the good memories?

How do you get someone to

See that things got distorted

And they were deceived?

How do you get someone to

Remember how loved they've

Always been and always'll be?

Is time the only solution?

- HR finally after 27 days of process accepted my request for an accommodation in relation to my mobility issues... but they will reevaluate in 6 months...

Am I wrong to feel a bit peeved?

I'm required to provide another

Medical note in six months to

Verify that the accommodation

Will still be reasonable by then.

It's humiliating to be put through, no?

There is absolutely no prospects of any

Improvement with this condition, but

In order for me to keep the accommodation,

I'll be forced to do the activity that led

To the request being made in the first place,

To satisfy some administrative procedure,

Not any logical reason that justifies making

Me have to endure pain to obtain a note

Which will basically provide the same

Information as was provided in the first one.

It all feels like a useless request, and in my

Reality of what it means to go places, it's

Not making much sense that I can digest.

I only go places if it's absolutely necessary...

What's this nonsense about really? 'cause

You're making me go somewhere for nothing,

Knowing how painful it is for me to go places.

I say for nothing 'cause it'll be the same info...

So why am I required to go and obtain it again?

For what purpose exactly?  Do you not see how

Purposeless all of this, your request, feels to me?

Maybe if your life was obligated to be organized

By the number of travels you can physically endure,

You might better understand my perspective on this.

So, am I wrong to feel a bit peeved?

Having to jump through hoops really

Sours my mood, I can't help it anymore.

I'm a huge fan of sense, it's something

That I really need for my well-being.

And right now, that's not what you're offering me.

Listen, you evidently

Can't handle this now,

And it's making you

Feel totally miserable,

So it may be time for

You to step away... ?

You know you need

To consider this now,

'Cause it no longer

Answers your needs,

And it only manages

To crush you to bits...

The comfort and support

It once was for you is no

Longer, that epoch's gone,

And the more time goes,

The more it's revealed that

This doesn't suit anymore...

You should listen, really.

- with rough translation... very fond moments spent in my little field of broccoli as a child...

Quand j'étais enfant,

J'ai fait une découverte

Tout à fait émerveillante :

J'ai trouvé un petit champ

De broccoli non loin des bois qui

Longeaient la cour de ma maison.

When I was a child,

I made a discovery

That was so amazing :

I found a little field

Of broccoli not far from the woods that

Stretched along the backyard of my house.

Des rangées et des rangées

De broccoli devant moi,

Et je m'assoyais entres elles,

Le soleil me tapant sur la tête,

Et j'étais si paisible, émerveillée,

Totalement remplie de joie.

Rows and rows

Of broccoli before me,

And I'd sit between them,

The sun heating my head,

And I was so at peace, amazed,

Totally filled with joy.

Assise-là, je m'adonnais à grignoter

Sur ces belles et incroyables découvertes,

Complètement contente de cette chance...

Dans mon insouciance d'enfant,

Je n'avais jamais pensé que ce broccoli

Pouvait être la propriété de quelqu'un.

While sitting there, I indulged in snacking

On these beautiful and incredible discoveries,

Absolutely happy for this chance...

In my child's unawareness,

I'd never even thought that this broccoli

Could be someone's property.

C'est un de mes plus beaux souvenirs,

Mon petit champ de broccoli.

It's one of my dearest memories,

My little field of broccoli.