IB M

- something strange happened with me recently which brought back up this topic... so in the last few weeks, I've been reflecting and processing... it's a problem I used to have during the years of my life when things were drastically not going well at all... but this has not been part of my life in years now... I know a lot of people don't understand why someone would even do something like that... I've heard a lot say it's for attention... but that doesn't strike true at all from my personal perspective... some thoughts on the topic... 

Nah, you're not getting it at all.

No one does this for attention,

In fact, everyone does it while

Hidden away, and do conceal it.

Attention is just not the driving force,

It's tumultuous psychological distress

That will make a person ignore all

Instincts of self-preservation, or care.

It's being so pained and overtaken

By it, that making a visual and

Physical representation of it is

Actually relieving in the moment.

It's a coping method, although maladaptive,

To make sense of the inner chaos and pain.

Actually seeing it in the form of a wound

Releases some of the high-end tension.

It also provides a semblance of control

Over a situation on its way to derail.

It's certainly a weird solution to the problem,

But you must keep note of the frame of mind:

You don't do that if you're well and happy.

It makes me feel so funny

When you say I'm strong,

'Cause it doesn't align with

How I'd say it's going inside

It's not what I see or feel, so to

Know you view it differently,

That kind of causes me pause,

And makes me wonder about it:

What gives this impression?

With all the stumbles along

The way, doesn't strike me like

Much of a show of strength,

And all those close calls too,

How these things are still to

Be dealt with to this day, none

Of it makes anyone feel strong

So it's a bit surprising to hear

See, what I think is required now

Is to deconstruct the twisted love

You feel toward creating, causing

Such terrible pain to yourself...

It just doesn't belong to you

And you don't deserve it

They only made you believe

These things to control you

Try to not let them rule your life

They're long gone, not important

Please don't carry on their violence

Things aren't meant to be this way

That twisted love you have needs

To be deconstructed, dismantled

It serves no constructive purpose

And it will one day only kill you

Like you'll have finished

What they started years ago...

Look at it from my perspective,

Why would I be ok with that?

Could never live down the shame...

- it made no sense considering I'm in no frame of mind for self-destruction... therapist says that it's not unusual with all the traumas I've been through that my nervous system may at times glitch and trigger old responses... even if there is no specific reason for it... 

It's the second time something like this happens... and both times took me aback, 'cause it came out of nowhere... The first time (years ago) I went through with the thoughts... and this time, I found it really hard, it was an all-out battle for 3 weeks to not do what my thoughts were obsessing over... it was also a very strange experience considering the circumstances... 

Remember that last weird time

When something unexpectedly

Triggered off something in me?

A bit freaked, I'd told you about it.

Something like that happened

Again, and like last time, it turned

Into a battle I didn't expect at all,

As it came right out of the blue.

Still not sure what the trigger was,

Considering everything in my life

Is world's apart from what usually

Puts me in these states, I don't know.

It's like my body suddenly having

Started to feel the sensations of an

Old story I hadn't thought about in

Years kicked something off in me.

And like last time, it took me by surprise,

But brought on quite the shock to realize

I still have a deep feeling of satisfaction

At the thought of causing myself damage.

Surprised at how quickly those sensations

Turned my waking moments into obsessive

Ruminations of causing bloody visuals to

Revel in and making sure it hurts like hell,

As if any of that made any sense at all.

But most surprising is how thoughts thrived

Even though I wasn't in that frame of mind;

Never happened before and it threw me off.

It did take a while for me to bring all of this

Down, stop it from turning the thoughts

Into actions, with a few close calls where

My resolve was stretched, but I succeeded :

No blood.

I'm fine.

Like last time,

A momentary blip.

I held on to the fact there's no reason for it,

And since I'm not one to do things for no

Reason, I couldn't disregard the contradiction

Or the fact it made no sense for me to do now.

I guess that's what helped me out of there.

So how do you like them apples?

Are they enough to make you grapple

With the enormity of your stupidity?

Oh dear God, tell us you finally see.

You really shouldn't be doing this

The way you do like it's some bliss,

It never has been, it will never be.

For goodness' sake, can you not see?

You fall for this deceit every time

As if you didn't learn the last time.

You believe flawed reasonings

That lead you to harmful things.

And every time we pick you back up,

And try to convince you to give it up.

If you carry on like this much longer,

Your demise will only be the stronger.

So now, how do you like them apples?

Are they enough to make you grapple

With the enormity of your stupidity?

Do you need more clues to finally see?

Oh dear God, knock some sense into her.

- confronting obsessive thoughts...

Here's her shifting

The hate away from

Herself to beat you at

Your own game finally.

See, you will not win,

I won't let it happen.

We've been through

This before, we know

That you're not at all

Targetting the right

One in this story, and

It's time for you to leave.

You will not make her

Do anything to herself,

There's no reason for that,

So, I tell you, this is over.

You will not succeed.

Sometimes the thoughts

Can't be stopped, they

Overtake everything,

And no amount of

Applying distraction

Methods will work.

Even more true when

Those thoughts spur

On body memories

That make you relive

The sensations of past

Acts; prompt a repeat.

That makes you obsess to

Achieve that result again,

Like you need to do this,

You must be doing this.

It's all you can imagine,

It doesn't leave you alone.

After a while, it can well

Drive you crazy and weak,

If not completely desperate

For it to come to a stop.

That's when things can get

Dangerous, out of control,

Not for others, but yourself.

You know too well how

All of this works out now,

So you have to be careful,

And keep in mind that this is

Temporary, it's not really you.

You will get through this.

It's left up to me

To fix the damages

They caused me

At this stage though

My belief is that some

Damages can't be fixed

Not for lack of trying

But attempts over years

Have revealed it's true

Some brokenness

Cannot be restored as

It's a permanent affair

The moment that part is

Stolen and mistreated to

Never be the same again

That will never leave nor

Will it ever recover, and

Rebuilding it for yourself

Is impossible, it's gone.

It will never be.

It was obliterated.

So it's left up to me,

To figure out how to

Move on in this void.

Not for a lack of trying...

- exhausted weakling...

Ideations of self-destruction

Grow even though it's known

This is not a viable option.

Imagination plays it over

And visualizes the sought

Peace as if this'd bring it.

Realization is still around

That this is plainly untrue,

Yet my mind won't let go.

It wants out and asserts

Its position on this matter,

Yanking me to follow suit.

And I find myself wanting

To desperately comply, and

Make it as painful as can be.

Ruminations on a bloody

Exit overtake every moment

While holding back's waning.

Ideations of self-destruction,

Annihilation of my existence,

Termination of pathetic self,

An end to all manners of pain,

It's all that takes a life of its

Own and waits on me to act.

Pushing, shoving me around,

Insisting it's the only way...

In time, it might very well win.

Feeling mostly out of place

And often like I don't exist

And there're expectations

That're always deceivers

Combining it all concludes it

Obviously isn't working out

There's nothing more to say

But it was nice while it lasted