IB M

I'm working in the code

Can't express how happy

That makes me, but there

You go, getting things sorted

Out that've been outstanding.

Enfin.

I'm a total idiot,

If you saw my state

You'd wholeheartedly

Agree with me on that.

I'm in constant pain,

And here I went and

Caused way more, it's

All my fault, I did this.

I weakened my body

With serious injuries,

Which led to CPR that

Made it so much worse.

It's a marvel of medicine

To be able to bring back

Someone, but it's the most

Intense pain I've lived yet.

I don't want to live it again.

I'm such a sneak

I hide it from him

'Cause I don't want

Him to worry for me

But that's always a poor

Plan, I crumble so bad, so

There's no other choice

But to be confronted with it

There's no hiding it then

And the hurt in his eyes, it

Kills me more than anything...

I don't want to do this to him

I really wish I could stop

But I'm not winning that one

Je ne veux pas tant te laisser

savoir ce qui se passe pour moi,

j'aime mieux savoir comment

tu vas au lieu qu'on s'attarde

à moi, car ce n'est pas important.

Tes inquiétudes ne sont pas

mon souhait, alors c'est mieux

de laisser tomber, parle-moi

de ce qui se passe pour toi, ne

me demande pas comment ça va.

Tu es bien plus intéressante.

- "You" by Robert Pettersson (singer from Swedish band Takida)... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-YG-zLS9Cw

Ever hear a song

That just takes you

And makes you feel?

While the words are like

They were about your

Situation? The music

The exact emotions

You're feeling in it?

I have one particular

Song lately, and singing

It feels like an ultimate

Release, it's so good.

With how I'm feeling,

This is a nice burst

Of feeling alive and like

Someone understands.

The song speaks on

Point about how I feel.

So I have it on repeat

And I sing it outloud,

And let the emotions flood

Me ; strangely it feels good.

I always feel like no one

Understands what I'm in,

But this song tells me

Someone out there does.

I'm so sorry

I can't stop myself

I'm driven by the

Immense satisfaction

It makes me feel

When I see and feel it

I can't resist that burning

Want, it turns obsessive

And makes me lose all

Sense of preservation

There's just never enough

Blood, so I make it happen

Even though I can well

See it's killing me

I know there's no way to

Ever satisfy the obsession

Yet here I am anyway

Unable to stop myself

I'm at a point that all

I'm wishing now is to die

To make it stop

Once and for all

Exhausted

Defeated 

I can't do this anymore

- perspective :  mental health crises on repeat... causing fear accompanied by overwhelming doubts...

After two resuscitations and

Three hospitalizations since June,
It's looking to me like I'm on my
Sure way toward losing this battle...

Really not to be dramatic, but it's

Seriously feeling like this is it: 

The beginning of the end, all the

While I can't do anything about it.

I'm fearful that I won't make it

Through this, 'cause I still am

Unable to gain control over it, and

It takes over so frequently now.

I'm struggling to figure out

Exactly what's going on with that,

And my latest statistics contradict

That I'll figure it out in time...

It sure looks like I won't succeed.

un mot à la fois,

un moment précis

qui persiste en mémoire,

et pleins d'explications

qui n'ont pas pour effet

d'être satisfaisantes,

mais peut-être qu'un jour

un sens à tout ça se révélera

entretemps, il y a tant

à passer par-dessus,

car ces préoccupations

n'en valent pas la peine

chose certaine est que

c'est le temps pour ces

choses d'en arriver à leur

fin, elles n'aident rien

j'ai longtemps souhaiter

pour ta paix, tu dois me croire

rien de ce qui se passe est

ce que je souhaite, tu dois savoir

je t'aime, je te respecte, tu es

quelqu'un qui m'a toujours soutenue

je suis désolée d'être si affectée

par toutes ces choses du passé

j'ai été étampée, démantibulée,

on a tenté de me briser au-delà

de ce qui peut être récupérable

j'ai souffert, je me suis livrée

au combat de me sortir de ces

enfers, j'ai tout tenté pour améliorer

les dommages qu'ils m'ont causé,

mais voilà, je n'y arrive pas très bien

alors en toute franchise, je ne sais plus,

je suis au-delà d'être épuisée, je me

sens plutôt vaincue et hors d'options,

mon corps en douleur constante, ma tête

toujours sur le bord de perdre tout fil

raisonnable, qu'est-ce que je fais, qu'est-ce

qui se passe, tout semble s'échapper de moi

et je n'ai aucun contrôle pour l'empêcher

je n'ai juste plus l'énergie pour me battre

- groupe de réadaptation hyperlaxité / Programme des lésions musculosquelettiques (IRDPQ)

The more I move,

The more it hurts my body.

So I naturally took on the

Habit of not moving very much.

And of course, that is just

Not good for a body at all.

So even though moving is a 

Painful affair, I mustn't stop.

It's so counterintuitive to keep

On moving through the pain...

But I'm told it must be done

To avoid serious problems later.

Although I'm absolutely not

Convinced, I keep on with the program,

'Cause these experts must know

What they're on about, I'd like to think.

So I'm all kitted out with a whole

Bunch of orthoses for support :

Compressive body suit, knee brace, thumb

Braces, and tightening belt/brace on hips.

And of course, my walking sticks.

I'm starting to feel a bit wrapped up

Here, it's really a bit much in truth.

Takes some getting used to, too.

I'm not exactly overjoyed by this,

It actually kind of depresses me.

These things are meant to help

Diminish the difficulties moving brings.

They do to a minimal extent, it's true,

But it's hard to be positive through so

Much pain.  All I feel is intense pain,

It pretty much distracts from anything else.

The treatment program is going well,

The experts there are enthusiastic and

Saying there's progress, but for my part,

Can't say I'm feeling or seeing any of that.

It's an absolute physical misery

It's still happening, you know

The thoughts aren't leaving

They're taking all of the space

So loud, I can't shut them out

Really don't think I'll be able to hold

Myself back for very much longer

I can never stop it

I always fail

No matter how much I fight it

I'm completely useless, you know