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Fido
Written 2024-09-19
Why on Earth would
I want to get myself
Another phone? I not
So long ago finished
Paying for the one I
Have now, why would
I want to spend another
Thousand for a newer
Model? Seriously. Ok,
I get marketing and all
That, but it has to make
A modicum of sense!
Do people really buy
One every two years?
What's the point?
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Freedom of Speech
Written 2024-09-18
Freedom of speech
Is not freedom of aggression
I tend to agree that
Is a huge difference
Is nuance too subtle
To be detected nowadays?
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Some More Than Likely Uninteresting Blabla
Written 2024-09-18
- passing the time... trying to distract it for a few minutes... reflections on reactions from others about what they call my perceptiveness... I don't come right out and say what I observe, it's usually later when the person and I have developed a relationship that these observations are discussed... and they're always floored to find out what I noticed back then... and confirm that I'm correct...
I grew up in an environment
with a lot of people who dealt
with severe psychiatric illnesses:
family members, 'friends' on the
street, and other people in more
recent times that've come my way...
So, in a way, it may be strange to
say, but because it was essential
for my survival to be aware of
the people around me, I think
it's like I have a radar in me now
that can feel it when someone
around me is not doing so well,
and it's never been wrong so far...
I've been told by many that I am
most freakishly and stunningly
perceptive when it comes to seeing
how others are doing without them
having to say anyhing to me...
I just feel the vibe, I guess
I notice quickly when something
is different, it sticks out in a
way that I can't not pay attention
It's in the eyes,
it's in the face,
it's even in the gait at times...
It's just so obvious to me
I've also been told that it can be
a bit unsettling how I'm able to
pick up on things no one else
notices usually, things they keep
to themselves, but somehow I
suss out by just looking at them
and the surprise they feel when
they find out later that I noticed
is always one of bewilderment
I don't know what it is exactly,
I just notice people, that's all...
The way they are, the way they
talk, the way they look, they're
the ones who show me, and I
observe, take in what they give,
and I listen to what they say
or don't say, and it's all that I do
There's really nothing else to it
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Evidently Not Getting It
Written 2024-09-15
Maybe I'm too sensitive,
But all of this leaves me
Feeling isolated and
Humiliated like I haven't
Felt in a very long time.
At no point through this
Process did you leave
Any impression that you
Actually got the seriousness
Of the situation that I'm in.
The fact that my request
Was granted is truly great,
But what's required of me
To keep this 'privilege'
Feels a bit beyond belief.
A second note in six months
Will provide the exact same
Information my first trip to
The doctor's office furnished,
So what exactly is the purpose
Of forcing me to do another trip?
Do you not see the ridiculousness
Of your request in the context?
You're asking that I do the activity,
Which is the cause for my request
In the first place, in order to keep
This gracious accommodation
You're giving me. Can't you see
How that'd make me feel at all?
I really don't think you get what
It's like to have to organize your life
Around how many places you're able
To physically go, or to be confronted
With the reality of loss of mobility.
You don't get how that affects someone.
If you do, you certainly don't show it.
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Posted on 2024 09 14, revised on 2024 09 15 ... added 2 things I deal with which I'd forgotten to mention 'cause they've been around since childhood (S10) and late teens (S5)...
The Daily Deal (revised)
Written 2024-09-15
- prompted from feeling like I have to prove to some that I'm struggling to move... 'cause apparently accommodating someone could cause some to feel it's unfair... yeah, can't say that I get that one...
Here's what I'm dealing with :
In my left hip, there's a split in
The labrum which the hip bone
Rubs, stretches and irritates at
Each step that I take in a day;
Hasn't healed in seven years.
In my left knee, I sprained
The interior ligament in my
Sleep which hasn't healed
Yet and it's been four years.
In my right shoulder, there's
A subscapular tendinopathy I
Somehow caused in my sleep,
Which has managed to heal,
But remains pretty fragile.
In my right index finger, I
Sprained another ligament
Very recently while playing
Guitar, so it's to be seen if
This one will come to heal.
In my left wrist, there's a
Sizeable cyst in between the
Ligaments that sometimes
Paralyzes the use of my hand.
But for both wrists, it's just
Impossible to apply weight.
In my right hip, started to
Appear some pain like my
Left one started years ago,
Not sure if it's another split,
But it sure feels like it is.
In my back and my knees,
There's recently stiffness
Which is feeling pretty tight,
That's a new thing settling in.
I also occasionally get bouts
Of costochondritis which
Causes painful inflammation
Of the cartilage around the
Rib cage and the sternum.
And throughout all of my
Joints, there's an intermittent
Shooting pain in the bones
Of my limbs or localized
Throbbing, without movement.
There's also the fragile state
Of my blood vessels which
Causes bruises and hematomas of
Impressive sizes at the slightest
Pressure on skin, it's all very sore.
Consequently, the more I move these
Parts, the more irritation it causes me
And a lot of inflammation, too.
There really isn't a moment in my
Body that doesn't hurt, it's always.
So, going places for no reason
Isn't something I can do lightly,
And I'm not exaggerating when I
Say that moving is very painful.
There's a very limited number of
Places I can get myself to weekly,
And going over it is always a risk,
So it's not to be awkward, it's
Just the reality of my situation.
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HR IV
Written 2024-09-14
- basically the same complaint over, I realize... I'm just not getting over it, I guess... sorry for the redundancy, just trying to get this out of my system...
my weekly 3 places : grocery store, doctor's appointment (between 3 health professionals), work...
Not once through the process
Did I ever get the impression
That my feelings about having
To make such a request of them
And about being confronted to
A condition that is slowly taking
Away my ability to move around
Have been considered in any way.
Or that the reality of my need
To carefully organize my life
In terms of the places I can go,
And how many I can physically
Do in a week, how adding one
More is problematic physically,
And the reason I had to submit a
Request for an accommodation.
I say this 'cause although they did
In the end accept my request, they
Also want to reevaluate in 6 months,
Meaning I will have to go see the
Doctor again to get a medical note
To continue supporting my 'privilege'
Of going to the office once a week
And managing my condition as needed.
I'm finding this somewhat humiliating.
Since there's no prospect of getting better,
This second note will be the same as first.
So to me, having to go see the doctor again
For no apparent reason feels disheartening.
It's having to go somewhere, and hurt for it,
All for the purpose of getting the same info,
Which feels like a purposeless action to do.
From my perspective, I'm being forced
To do the activity which is the cause
Of my request in the first place, to prove
The accommodation is still reasonable.
Even though the context of this situation
Is about a degenerative condition that
Can never see any improvement, so I'm
Not catching why they're requiring this.
Two years ago I could manage 5 to 6
Places to go in a week, but lately, I can
Barely manage the 3 I now do each week.
Adding another one is a painful prospect;
I have the feeling they just don't get it.
They can't picture what it's like to have
To organize your movements so closely.
So to me, the whole process is just awful,
And it really doesn't leave me feeling uplifted,
Almost regret having made the request now.
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Stéphane
Written 2024-09-14
- my friend Stéphane was 29... I was 17... we met at a 24-hr Dunkin' Donuts in Montréal one night ('cause my hitchhiking buddy Sébastien had unexpectedly ditched me to go sleep at his relative's and I had nowhere to sleep)... and Stéphane came back with me to Québec to finish his weening of heroin (not a drug I had personal experience with, just friends on it) ... next month is the month it happened all those years ago... October has a lot each year...
I think this write is my way to close that box, so to speak... the last one... finally...
and about receiving a letter from him after, it certainly was another shock... he also said in it that for the rest of his life he would cut himself with that hunting knife he used, to inflict the same pain he caused me until the day that I am healed... ouf... I can't say that I knew how to receive that...
On his third day of weening
From heroin, he lost his head.
Wouldn't say it totally came out
Of the blue, 'cause our chat in
The evening was bizarre enough
To indicate something was off,
But nothing life-threatening.
He spent a good part of it trying
To convince me that there are
Ten percent of the population
Who are actually Martians, and
That he was one of them among us.
I listened and didn't challenge
Him as the timing didn't feel right.
When the evening wound to its
End, we went to bed, I, on the
Floor in the living room, he, on
The couch, and all seemed ok,
There was no upset between us,
And I couldn't have guessed what
Would end up happening that night.
At some point in the night, he got
Up, and started kicking me awake
Very forcefully, which was the
Biggest shock, and so unexpected.
I don't remember what he was
Yelling at me while doing this,
But the terror followed me for years.
He then picked me up off the floor
With a solid grasp of my long hair,
And I felt myself being thrown around,
Knocking walls and furniture along,
To then being pinned against a wall,
Him still yelling, and his hand squeezing
My throat cutting the air from entering.
Then for what seemed like it came out
Of nowhere, there was a huge hunting
Knife pressed very hard against my face,
And his eyes were dark with a lot of rage.
He continued yelling, something about
Not believing my kindness wasn't some
Kind of lie or trick to deceive him.
This went on for a while, and the more
Terrified I was, the more I froze and
Withdrew not showing any reaction,
Which only made him even angrier,
And made him lose all self-restraint.
He choked me, tossed me around more,
And simply beat the daylights out of me.
I don't know for how long all of this
Went on, and I don't know how long
I was left on the floor, all bloodied
And in excrutiating pain, feeling my
Life seep out of me, but I remember
When everything went black and
Nothing more of what happened next.
At the hospital, after the coma, I was
Told that it had been necessary to revive
Me, and in a coma a little over a day.
I remember the devastating, soaring
Disappointment I felt to have survived.
I remember the painful wounds,
Cuts from the knife, and from being
Thrown on furniture, walls, floor, being
Kicked, kneed, and punched; body was
In very poor shape for a while after all that.
As for my mental health, you can no doubt
Well imagine it was not fairing any better.
This incident changed everything for me,
It actually broke the little I had left in me.
And for twenty years, it was impossible
For me to go to sleep without reliving
Each action he made that night, over
And over, and it felt impossible to stop.
I couldn't control it, and I'd get stuck
In those moments feeling it all again
As if it was happening in current times.
It was a perpetual nightmare with no
End in sight for me, so I developed
The fear of going to sleep as a result.
So for years, the only way for me to
Get to sleep was to stay up for days
Until my body crashed on its own and
Forced me to sleep, it usually worked.
But going for days without sleep does
No one's system any good, and falling
Asleep in that manner restored nothing,
So I was so out of energy, my mind in
A constant fog, I felt like a living dead.
And of course, accompanying me through
All of this was depression not letting up.
So yeah, this friend of mine completely
Broke me and my life apart that night.
Thinking back on it all today, I was so
Young and naïve, only wanting to be
Kind to a friend in need not realizing
The danger of the weening process if
You're not experienced to deal with it.
I was killed because my kindness confused
My friend who wasn't used to being treated
Nicely by anyone in his life, that's what he
Explained to me in a letter after the event.
I don't know if that makes any sense, and I
Admittedly have mulled it over for years,
But I've come to realize it's doesn't matter.
What happened, just happened,
It's over now, and I've moved on.
I'm detailing it now to give a
Final record of the experience,
'Cause for the longest time, I truly
Didn't think it'd ever be possible to
Break free from this nightmare.
Couldn't tell you how,
But I did, I finally did.
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Assistance
Written 2024-09-14
It's pretty clear in my head
That I will not see myself
Through to the end of this
Deterioration, I will submit
A request for a medically-
Assisted death when it's time.
That is what I meant when
I previously mentionned
That my life will not avert
From ending in suicide.
As for eligibility, not sure,
But that's where I'd start.
When the pain becomes
Too much and I can no
Longer move on my own,
That's when I'll start the
Process, it'll be time then
To have it all stopped.
I realize that may well be
A bit morbid as a thought,
But I don't view it as such.
I'm relieved that the option
Is available in an otherwise
Optionless situation as this.
It's only going to get worse,
And has been getting worse
In the last seven years, I feel
It in my body that there's no
Turning back to good with this.
Each year, I can do far less.
And the pain is only growing.
At some point, I won't be able
To withstand it any longer, it's
Only a matter of time now.
I have a high endurance for it,
But still, it's already difficult.
That will never diminish.
So those are the reasons
For my decision, thought
I should let you know.
I'm hoping that you'll be able
To understand my reasoning.
Eventually, and inevitably,
It'll all become too much.
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Wondering
Written 2024-09-14
Out of curiosity,
Is it because it's
Too stupid?
Uninteresting?
Or it doesn't
Generate any
Thoughts?
Or there's really
Nothing to be
Said about it?
Or it's not worth
A response?
Or you fear being
Too personal?
Or it's too poor
An attempt at
Writing overall?
I can't guess.
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Manipulation
Written 2024-09-13
How can someone come to believe
Something that has no bearing on
Their experiences actually lived?
How can someone be convinced
By lies that completely contradict
What they've been through in life?
It's difficult to understand the
Dynamics of how someone's
Memories can be high jacked
By another's seething hate
And alter all of everything
To such devastating levels
How do you get someone to
Come back to the love and
All of the good memories?
How do you get someone to
See that things got distorted
And they were deceived?
How do you get someone to
Remember how loved they've
Always been and always'll be?
Is time the only solution?
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