IB M

- something strange happened with me recently which brought back up this topic... so in the last few weeks, I've been reflecting and processing... it's a problem I used to have during the years of my life when things were drastically not going well at all... but this has not been part of my life in years now... I know a lot of people don't understand why someone would even do something like that... I've heard a lot say it's for attention... but that doesn't strike true at all from my personal perspective... some thoughts on the topic... 

Nah, you're not getting it at all.

No one does this for attention,

In fact, everyone does it while

Hidden away, and do conceal it.

Attention is just not the driving force,

It's tumultuous psychological distress

That will make a person ignore all

Instincts of self-preservation, or care.

It's being so pained and overtaken

By it, that making a visual and

Physical representation of it is

Actually relieving in the moment.

It's a coping method, although maladaptive,

To make sense of the inner chaos and pain.

Actually seeing it in the form of a wound

Releases some of the high-end tension.

It also provides a semblance of control

Over a situation on its way to derail.

It's certainly a weird solution to the problem,

But you must keep note of the frame of mind:

You don't do that if you're well and happy.

It makes me feel so funny

When you say I'm strong,

'Cause it doesn't align with

How I'd say it's going inside

It's not what I see or feel, so to

Know you view it differently,

That kind of causes me pause,

And makes me wonder about it:

What gives this impression?

With all the stumbles along

The way, doesn't strike me like

Much of a show of strength,

And all those close calls too,

How these things are still to

Be dealt with to this day, none

Of it makes anyone feel strong

So it's a bit surprising to hear

See, what I think is required now

Is to deconstruct the twisted love

You feel toward creating, causing

Such terrible pain to yourself...

It just doesn't belong to you

And you don't deserve it

They only made you believe

These things to control you

Try to not let them rule your life

They're long gone, not important

Please don't carry on their violence

Things aren't meant to be this way

That twisted love you have needs

To be deconstructed, dismantled

It serves no constructive purpose

And it will one day only kill you

Like you'll have finished

What they started years ago...

Look at it from my perspective,

Why would I be ok with that?

Could never live down the shame...

- it made no sense considering I'm in no frame of mind for self-destruction... therapist says that it's not unusual with all the traumas I've been through that my nervous system may at times glitch and trigger old responses... even if there is no specific reason for it... 

It's the second time something like this happens... and both times took me aback, 'cause it came out of nowhere... The first time (years ago) I went through with the thoughts... and this time, I found it really hard, it was an all-out battle for 3 weeks to not do what my thoughts were obsessing over... it was also a very strange experience considering the circumstances... 

Remember that last weird time

When something unexpectedly

Triggered off something in me?

A bit freaked, I'd told you about it.

Something like that happened

Again, and like last time, it turned

Into a battle I didn't expect at all,

As it came right out of the blue.

Still not sure what the trigger was,

Considering everything in my life

Is world's apart from what usually

Puts me in these states, I don't know.

It's like my body suddenly having

Started to feel the sensations of an

Old story I hadn't thought about in

Years kicked something off in me.

And like last time, it took me by surprise,

But brought on quite the shock to realize

I still have a deep feeling of satisfaction

At the thought of causing myself damage.

Surprised at how quickly those sensations

Turned my waking moments into obsessive

Ruminations of causing bloody visuals to

Revel in and making sure it hurts like hell,

As if any of that made any sense at all.

But most surprising is how thoughts thrived

Even though I wasn't in that frame of mind;

Never happened before and it threw me off.

It did take a while for me to bring all of this

Down, stop it from turning the thoughts

Into actions, with a few close calls where

My resolve was stretched, but I succeeded :

No blood.

I'm fine.

Like last time,

A momentary blip.

I held on to the fact there's no reason for it,

And since I'm not one to do things for no

Reason, I couldn't disregard the contradiction

Or the fact it made no sense for me to do now.

I guess that's what helped me out of there.