IB M

- with rough translation... 

tant de cris, de troubles,

tant de douleur qui se sont

perpétués sans audience...

personne ne s'en était

rendu compte à quel

point l'enfer était défini.

so many screams, so much trouble,

so much pain that were

perpetuated without an audience...

no one had realized at

what extent hell was defined.

et après, ils étaient tous

choqués de connaître

les détails de ce qui 

s'était passé réellement...

Malgré le fait qu'elle

leur avait dit ce qui se

and after, they were all

shocked to know

the details of what had

actually happened... 

despite the fact that

she had said what was

passait, personne n'avait

agit, alors elle a à un moment

donné abandonné tout espoir

que c'était une chose bénéfique

pour elle de dire quoi que ce soit...

elle décida de ne plus rien dire.

going on, no one acted,

so she at some point

let go of all hope

that it was a beneficial thing

for her to say anything...

she decided to not say anything more.

c'est ce qui est attendu

comme si être une femme

était une réalité à part de

l'humanité, et toute expérience

quelque chose à croire avec

des preuves fournies sinon

that's what's expected

as if being a woman

was a reality outside of

humanity, and all experience

something to be believed

with provided proof, or else

c'est suspect, malgré le fait

que les statistiques indiquent

que ces expériences sont très

réelles pour la plupart de

toutes les femmes sur la planète.

Peut-on ignorer ces faits?

it's suspect, despite the fact

that statistics indicate that

these experiences are very

real for the most part of

all women on this planet.

Can we ignore those facts?

I get obsessed with seeing and

Feeling the blood come out...

Of course, you don't need to

Tell me that isn't normal, but

That's what's going on with me.

My body makes old wounds throb

And that sensation kicks off the 

Thoughts which in turn get obsessive

And insistent that it becomes a real

Battle to not go ahead with bleeding.

I do fight it off as long as I can

When these invasive urges pop up,

But for as much as I can rationalize

And warn myself that I don't want

To do this, I still end up losing.

I don't know how many times

This has led me to die and be

Brought back for being found

In time, but it's too many...

Like a neverending torment.

I just want it to stop.

If it were only up to me, I'd

Surely make all of this end.

But I can't, 'cause causing pain

To my children is nothing I want.

So I do my best to keep it together

For them, it's all that matters now.

I try my best to not lose it on this,

'Cause I never want to hurt them.

They've for many years been my

Saving grace, so I'm holding on to it.

- no doubt this should be discussed with a professional, but there is no professional in my life right now... any thoughts welcome...

can't express how embarrassed I am about this... :/

I need to deconstruct

A very flawed sense

Of satisfaction about

Causing myself to bleed.

My wires got crossed

Along the way, I think

Perhaps it's a remnant

Of a childhood association

Whereby it makes me feel

A deep solace, so pleasant

I want to revisit it again

Maybe that's what's going on

I started making myself

Bleed when I was around 10

It was my way for some control

Through all I was made to endure

It doesn't make much sense now

But it truly was the best relief

However, today, there's no such

Distress left in my life, so I don't know

It's just about seeing and feeling

Blood come out of me as if it was

Perfectly normal to want to do that

I know it isn't, but here we are anyway

I need to deconstruct

A very flawed sense

Of satisfaction about

Causing myself to bleed.

How do I do that?

- perspective :  ineffective management of dangerous obsessive episodes... desperation...

If you knew how I dealt with it

You'd be shaking your head in

Disagreement, I know it for sure.

Even I don't agree with it much,

But I'm so desperate to stop myself

That I go for it anyway, knowing

This isn't the way to solve anything;

It can get out of hand in no time ...

But at the same time, it's the quickest.

So while I fight off the urge to slice

The length of my arms, I down a bottle

To reach the sweet oblivion of blackout

As it's the only thing that can stop me.

It's not good at all, it makes me violently

Ill as my body doesn't tolerate it at all,

But I'm so desperate to stop myself

That I go for it anyway 'cause

I just don't want to die from this.

I know this is the worst decision,

However, there aren't any other viable

Alternatives that have been found yet

And I need something now,

'Cause if nothing stops me,

I will end up losing my life.

I really don't want that. 

- pas pour être fataliste... mais les signes indiquent que c'est ça...

je crois que je serai mieux

le jour où ma vie en viendra

à sa fin, car ce qui se passe

en ce moment, ne laisse pas

croire que les choses auront

la chance de s'améliorer...

I think I'll be better

the day my life comes

to an end, because what's happening

right now doesn't suggest

that things will have

a chance to improve...

mes efforts sont pour rien,

je suis inutile à me sauver.

à ce rhythme, c'est certain

que je vais perdre le combat

éventuellement, car manifes-

tement, je n'y parviens pas...

my efforts are in vain,

I'm useless at saving myself.

at this rate, it's certain

that I'm going to lose the battle

eventually, because clearly,

I'm not succeeding...

depuis plusieurs années je

tente de prendre le dessus,

mais cela n'est pas un succès,

alors à ce stade-ci, je ne sais

plus trop, et tout à l'air

plutôt très proche de sa fin...

for several years I've

been trying to get the upper hand,

but it hasn't been successful,

so at this point, I don't really know

anymore, and everything seems

pretty close to its end...

ce n'est pas ce que je souhaite,

et je me sens sans pouvoir

pour changer ce qui viendra.

j'aurais aimé pouvoir reprendre

le contrôle, mais je n'y arrive

pas, alors je crois que c'est ça...

it's not what I wish,

and I feel myself without power

to change what's coming.

I would have liked to be able to regain

control, but I can't

do it, so I think that's it...

- dealing with the aftermath... hEDS considerably slows the healing process...

With the condition I have,

Injuries have a hard time

Healing, and they don't

Very quickly, so I can't

Express how annoyed and

Angry I am with myself for

Going ahead and making it

So much worse for myself,

Adding to the already constant

Pain in this useless body of mine.

It's nothing that I ever want,

Just something I'm struggling

To gain some sort of control

Over and it's causing me so much

More pain that I can't describe.    

I'm feeling like a total idiot that

I can't get a better handle on this,

Considering these moments are

So void of sense or any distress

That would lead me to this old

Way of handling that kind of

Problem -- I think I'm losing it.

I'm so exhausted dealing with this,

Pretty much demolished at this point. 

I don't think I should tell you

How things are going, 'cause

In the circumstances, you

Couldn't do anything about it,

And it'd only leave you worried.

Besides, I'm the idiot who's

Behaving inappropriately

And causing myself this grief.

It's not fair to involve you

Only to leave you powerless.

So I'll just keep it to myself,

I have no room to complain

As all of this is my own doing.

I shouldn't be bothering you, 

It's not kind to do that to you.

- connective tissues : tendons, ligaments, cartilage, blood vessels...  

Lift your arm,

bend your elbow,

or your wrist, or

fingers, or simply

Move any body part

And feel pain

No matter the

Movement you

Might be making

Even if it's light

That's my condition, a

Connective tissue problem

Whereby mine are too lax

The more I move my body

The more it causes pain

It can also cause injury

Everything in me has

Too much space to move

And it does: it sprains,

It pulls, it pinches, it rubs

There isn't a moment

In my body that doesn't hurt

That's what I'm dealing with

Right now, don't mean to be

A sourpuss in your midst

It just takes a lot of space

- thank you for your comments on my previous post... I'll answer soon xx

dealing with the aftermath... 

Stitches

Staples

Bruises and

Hematomas

Tubes' irritation

Cracked ribs

To you:

Yeah

I'm glad

To still

Be here

I'm grateful

To myself:

Not at all