IB M

- brother...

He got insulted that I expressed

How unimpressed I was with

The way he handled things during

An unusual crisis that happened.

He'd totally gone with it as if any

Of it had any merit, as if this was

A usual thing to be happening for me,

He didn't even question a single thing.

So naturally, when all was said and 

Done, I for the first time expressed

How his behavior had not been satisfactory

In the circumstances of what was going on.

I did not appreciate the lack of respect

Or the heavy-handed response to a

Situation that was never my usual...

It was humiliating beyond any words.

So yeah, I was not pleased at all,

Seems to me to be a perfectly normal

Response that I did not like it one bit.

The funny thing is, he's insulted?

Man, he really does live on another planet.

I sort of get this may exasperate you,

But I think I'm not doing too badly

Considering everything, you know.

I could have turned out a whole

Lot more differently, don't you agree? 

So, come on now, cut me a break.

I have never imposed myself or

My problems your way, not once;

You know that is not in my nature.

I don't believe any of this has

Anything to do with me at all,

It's just you who doesn't know

What he should be saying back,

And getting frustrated at how little

There is that can be done by you.

But that wholly belongs to you. 

- after nearly 30 years mostly cooped up at home... unable to go out or be with people...

The real issue is that I'm alone

There's no one around at all

After all these decades isolated

There really is no one left and

It's unclear how to change that

I crave making connections today

But I can't make people appear and

I don't know where to find them

So I keep on being alone now

It's the thing left that pains me

Only hope I can find it a resolution

I don't know what it means 

When you have nothing to say,

And it bothers me to no end,

'Cause I imagine the worst.

I can't help feel like something

Is wrong, not as it should be,

And of course, that runs around

My mind quite endlessly.

I don't know what it means

When you have nothing to say,

I can't help wonder if you're ok,

If what I said is terrible or dumb.

I can't guess without your input.

I still carry that lack of self-assuredness

Whenever I find myself in the company

Of others, I'm never sure of anything...

I have high doubts that I'm interesting

As a person, or that I'm brilliant in any

Way, and what can I really talk about... ?

So all I can really do is listen to people,

And try to follow what they're on about;

Can't say that I always do, but I try...

I'm no longer terrified to be with others,

But I wouldn't say my level of comfort

Is very high for it, I'm just never sure...

And that always leaves me nervous.

Makes me wonder if it can ever be

Resolved, I've always been this way...

- although things have greatly improved for me in the last recent few years, the isolation is not resolved... nearly 30 years of not being able to get out of my house and be with people has left me severely alone... this is my next step of therapy... the social part of things... context as to why I tell you about all these things...

I'll be the first to agree

None of it is interesting

Or relatable to most,

So leaves you without

A clue as to what to say.

On the receiving end,

All that silence convinces

No one wants to know,

Confirms that I'm on my

Own and will always be.                   (anxiety rationale in this paragraph)

That's what happens when

Horrors are part of your life:

You're silenced during,

And you're silenced after,

'Cause people feel too bad

To hear about things like that;

Not knowing what to say,

Not knowing what to do with that

Feeling of powerlessness which

Has no prospect for a resolution.

But on the receiving end,

That natural reaction is still

A stab in the heart as it furthers

The isolation that was in place

When the abuse was ongoing.

Letting others know what's

Involved during and after,

It's just me talking of my reality

As others do about theirs, it's

Nothing interesting, I know

But I'm so alone to this day,

There's no other place I can,

So I'm sorry if this disturbs you

Or bores you to tears, my life is

what it is, and I can't change that.

I can only keep trying to improve it

So that all those things of the past

Can at last fade away completely.

While I get there, like most, it's nice

To be able to share it with others.

You are the only ones around.

- sorry, sort of in the processing phase of how my life is so different now... I should get over it soon ;)

It'd never occurred to me

That I'd been through a lot

Until I started to see others'

Reactions on hearing about

My life, so as time went on,

Only then did it become clear

To me that it was filled with

Shocking things that horrify.

I've been abused and mistreated

As a child with my parents, so

Much fear, instability, violence,

I've been assaulted in my teens

When roaming the streets felt like

A better option than being home,

Then after those final assaults,

I've been unwell with symptoms

Of the traumas I've encountered,

Reliving the neverending nightmares

In uncontrollable overtaking flashbacks.

Everything was a struggle for so long,

And all efforts for so long only failures,

And the weight of the isolation a killer,

The despair a constant state with no

Foreseeable resolution.  Everything was

Dire, everything was painful, there was

No clear reason to wish to carry on living,

And I almost died at my hand many times.

But today, that's not my life anymore,

And as happy as I am about it, I'm

Needing a minute to process it all;

I think I'm awed that it's happened.

Seeing as this is relatively recent,

Saying that I'm used to this wouldn't

Be exact, it feels strange in some

Measure, 'cause feeling good was

Never much of a reality before.

Yet now, it's what every day is.

Feels like I can count lucky stars.

- HR requested a new note to maintain my accommodation concerning my loss of mobility... they informed that I will need to provide such a note every 6 months... 

Hello HR,

Ok, but I hope you will be able to understand 

How humiliating an experience this is for me

To have to prove my loss of mobility every

Six months for a degenerative condition with

No prospect of improvements.  I understand

Procedures, but in the context, I hope you

Will be able to see from where I'm coming from.

Oh, you know, there comes a point

When there's no way to know what

To say anymore, and here we are.

If you misinterpreted my not going

To visit our dying father as me not

Caring, then you've not listened again.

The only reason I didn't go was to

Not cause him distress at such a time

Considering he didn't express the wish

And we haven't been in contact for

Over twenty years; you've missed

The important parts, but that's usual.

So fed up of your judgemental attitude,

You throw me in an impossible position

And back out to find out if it's our father's wish.

Obviously, you know how difficult

The situation is if you can't ask him yourself

For fear he'll react badly and you'll have to deal.

So come on, give me a damn break.

The circumstances weren't correct for me

To show up at this stage of his life without an invite.

Can you imagine if I had?  I perfectly can.

Don't tell me it didn't cross your mind

What such a meeting would have looked like.

It seemed to me to be an unkind thing to do,

He was confused, incoherent 'cause of the tumor,

So causing any sort of shock didn't feel advised.

So don't make my decision into something it's not.

Of course I care, maybe not 'cause he's our father,

But he's a human being dying, I can't not care about that.

Gah, how you're getting on my nerves.

- even if it's unclear how it came to be... 

How I used to feel and all of

The details are still very much there,

But not felt like they once were...

They're sort of felt in the third person now.

Although I know all of it

Is my story lived, it's like

It happened to someone else.

It's hard to put into words...

Recently was told that it's

Probaby time, with age

Things come to settle down.

Perhaps that's right, I don't know.

But whatever it is exactly,

I don't think it needs defining.

The relentless pain was removed

And that's just an endless relief.

I'm very happy to go along with it.