IB M

Why on Earth would

I want to get myself

Another phone?  I not

So long ago finished

Paying for the one I

Have now, why would

I want to spend another

Thousand for a newer

Model?  Seriously.  Ok,

I get marketing and all

That, but it has to make

A modicum of sense!

Do people really buy

One every two years?

What's the point?

Freedom of speech

Is not freedom of aggression

I tend to agree that

Is a huge difference

Is nuance too subtle

To be detected nowadays?

- passing the time... trying to distract it for a few minutes... reflections on reactions from others about what they call my perceptiveness... I don't come right out and say what I observe, it's usually later when the person and I have developed a relationship that these observations are discussed... and they're always floored to find out what I noticed back then... and confirm that I'm correct... 

I grew up in an environment

with a lot of people who dealt

with severe psychiatric illnesses:

family members, 'friends' on the

street, and other people in more

recent times that've come my way...

So, in a way, it may be strange to

say, but because it was essential

for my survival to be aware of

the people around me, I think

it's like I have a radar in me now

that can feel it when someone

around me is not doing so well,

and it's never been wrong so far...

I've been told by many that I am

most freakishly and stunningly

perceptive when it comes to seeing

how others are doing without them

having to say anyhing to me...

I just feel the vibe, I guess

I notice quickly when something

is different, it sticks out in a

way that I can't not pay attention

It's in the eyes,

it's in the face,

it's even in the gait at times...

It's just so obvious to me

I've also been told that it can be

a bit unsettling how I'm able to

pick up on things no one else

notices usually, things they keep

to themselves, but somehow I

suss out by just looking at them

and the surprise they feel when

they find out later that I noticed

is always one of bewilderment

I don't know what it is exactly,

I just notice people, that's all...

The way they are, the way they

talk, the way they look, they're

the ones who show me, and I

observe, take in what they give,

and I listen to what they say

or don't say, and it's all that I do

There's really nothing else to it

Maybe I'm too sensitive,

But all of this leaves me

Feeling isolated and

Humiliated like I haven't

Felt in a very long time.

At no point through this

Process did you leave

Any impression that you

Actually got the seriousness

Of the situation that I'm in.

The fact that my request

Was granted is truly great,

But what's required of me

To keep this 'privilege'

Feels a bit beyond belief.

A second note in six months

Will provide the exact same

Information my first trip to

The doctor's office furnished,

So what exactly is the purpose

Of forcing me to do another trip?

Do you not see the ridiculousness

Of your request in the context?

You're asking that I do the activity,

Which is the cause for my request

In the first place, in order to keep

This gracious accommodation

You're giving me.  Can't you see

How that'd make me feel at all?

I really don't think you get what

It's like to have to organize your life

Around how many places you're able

To physically go, or to be confronted

With the reality of loss of mobility.

You don't get how that affects someone.

If you do, you certainly don't show it.

- prompted from feeling like I have to prove to some that I'm struggling to move... 'cause apparently accommodating someone could cause some to feel it's unfair...  yeah, can't say that I get that one...

Here's what I'm dealing with :

In my left hip, there's a split in

The labrum which the hip bone

Rubs, stretches and irritates at

Each step that I take in a day;

Hasn't healed in seven years.

In my left knee, I sprained

The interior ligament in my

Sleep which hasn't healed

Yet and it's been four years.

In my right shoulder, there's

A subscapular tendinopathy I

Somehow caused in my sleep,

Which has managed to heal,

But remains pretty fragile.

In my right index finger, I

Sprained another ligament

Very recently while playing

Guitar, so it's to be seen if

This one will come to heal.

In my left wrist, there's a

Sizeable cyst in between the

Ligaments that sometimes

Paralyzes the use of my hand.

But for both wrists, it's just

Impossible to apply weight.

In my right hip, started to

Appear some pain like my

Left one started years ago,

Not sure if it's another split,

But it sure feels like it is.

In my back and my knees,

There's recently stiffness

Which is feeling pretty tight,

That's a new thing settling in.

I also occasionally get bouts

Of costochondritis which

Causes painful inflammation

Of the cartilage around the

Rib cage and the sternum.

And throughout all of my

Joints, there's an intermittent

Shooting pain in the bones

Of my limbs or localized

Throbbing, without movement.

There's also the fragile state 

Of my blood vessels which

Causes bruises and hematomas of

Impressive sizes at the slightest

Pressure on skin, it's all very sore.

Consequently, the more I move these

Parts, the more irritation it causes me

And a lot of inflammation, too.

There really isn't a moment in my

Body that doesn't hurt, it's always.

So, going places for no reason

Isn't something I can do lightly,

And I'm not exaggerating when I

Say that moving is very painful.

There's a very limited number of

Places I can get myself to weekly,

And going over it is always a risk,

So it's not to be awkward, it's

Just the reality of my situation.

- basically the same complaint over, I realize... I'm just not getting over it, I guess... sorry for the redundancy, just trying to get this out of my system...

my weekly 3 places :  grocery store, doctor's appointment (between 3 health professionals), work... 

Not once through the process

Did I ever get the impression

That my feelings about having

To make such a request of them

And about being confronted to

A condition that is slowly taking

Away my ability to move around

Have been considered in any way.

Or that the reality of my need

To carefully organize my life

In terms of the places I can go,

And how many I can physically

Do in a week, how adding one

More is problematic physically,

And the reason I had to submit a

Request for an accommodation.

I say this 'cause although they did

In the end accept my request, they

Also want to reevaluate in 6 months,

Meaning I will have to go see the

Doctor again to get a medical note

To continue supporting my 'privilege'

Of going to the office once a week

And managing my condition as needed.

I'm finding this somewhat humiliating.

Since there's no prospect of getting better,

This second note will be the same as first.

So to me, having to go see the doctor again

For no apparent reason feels disheartening.

It's having to go somewhere, and hurt for it,

All for the purpose of getting the same info,

Which feels like a purposeless action to do.

From my perspective, I'm being forced

To do the activity which is the cause

Of my request in the first place, to prove

The accommodation is still reasonable.

Even though the context of this situation

Is about a degenerative condition that

Can never see any improvement, so I'm

Not catching why they're requiring this.

Two years ago I could manage 5 to 6

Places to go in a week, but lately, I can

Barely manage the 3 I now do each week.

Adding another one is a painful prospect;

I have the feeling they just don't get it.

They can't picture what it's like to have

To organize your movements so closely.

So to me, the whole process is just awful,

And it really doesn't leave me feeling uplifted,

Almost regret having made the request now.

- my friend Stéphane was 29... I was 17... we met at a 24-hr Dunkin' Donuts in Montréal one night ('cause my hitchhiking buddy Sébastien had unexpectedly ditched me to go sleep at his relative's and I had nowhere to sleep)... and Stéphane came back with me to Québec to finish his weening of heroin (not a drug I had personal experience with, just friends on it) ... next month is the month it happened all those years ago... October has a lot each year...

I think this write is my way to close that box, so to speak... the last one... finally... 

and about receiving a letter from him after, it certainly was another shock... he also said in it that for the rest of his life he would cut himself with that hunting knife he used, to inflict the same pain he caused me until the day that I am healed... ouf... I can't say that I knew how to receive that... 

On his third day of weening

From heroin, he lost his head.

Wouldn't say it totally came out

Of the blue, 'cause our chat in

The evening was bizarre enough

To indicate something was off,

But nothing life-threatening.

He spent a good part of it trying

To convince me that there are

Ten percent of the population

Who are actually Martians, and

That he was one of them among us.

I listened and didn't challenge

Him as the timing didn't feel right.

When the evening wound to its

End, we went to bed, I, on the

Floor in the living room, he, on

The couch, and all seemed ok,

There was no upset between us,

And I couldn't have guessed what

Would end up happening that night.

At some point in the night, he got

Up, and started kicking me awake

Very forcefully, which was the

Biggest shock, and so unexpected.

I don't remember what he was

Yelling at me while doing this,

But the terror followed me for years.

He then picked me up off the floor

With a solid grasp of my long hair,

And I felt myself being thrown around,

Knocking walls and furniture along,

To then being pinned against a wall,

Him still yelling, and his hand squeezing

My throat cutting the air from entering.

Then for what seemed like it came out

Of nowhere, there was a huge hunting

Knife pressed very hard against my face,

And his eyes were dark with a lot of rage.

He continued yelling, something about

Not believing my kindness wasn't some

Kind of lie or trick to deceive him.

This went on for a while, and the more

Terrified I was, the more I froze and

Withdrew not showing any reaction,

Which only made him even angrier,

And made him lose all self-restraint.

He choked me, tossed me around more,

And simply beat the daylights out of me.

I don't know for how long all of this

Went on, and I don't know how long

I was left on the floor, all bloodied

And in excrutiating pain, feeling my

Life seep out of me, but I remember

When everything went black and

Nothing more of what happened next.

At the hospital, after the coma, I was

Told that it had been necessary to revive

Me, and in a coma a little over a day.

I remember the devastating, soaring

Disappointment I felt to have survived.

I remember the painful wounds,

Cuts from the knife, and from being

Thrown on furniture, walls, floor, being

Kicked, kneed, and punched;  body was

In very poor shape for a while after all that.

As for my mental health, you can no doubt

Well imagine it was not fairing any better.

This incident changed everything for me,

It actually broke the little I had left in me.

And for twenty years, it was impossible

For me to go to sleep without reliving

Each action he made that night, over

And over, and it felt impossible to stop.

I couldn't control it, and I'd get stuck

In those moments feeling it all again

As if it was happening in current times.

It was a perpetual nightmare with no

End in sight for me, so I developed

The fear of going to sleep as a result.

So for years, the only way for me to

Get to sleep was to stay up for days

Until my body crashed on its own and

Forced me to sleep, it usually worked.

But going for days without sleep does

No one's system any good, and falling

Asleep in that manner restored nothing,

So I was so out of energy, my mind in

A constant fog, I felt like a living dead.

And of course, accompanying me through

All of this was depression not letting up.

So yeah, this friend of mine completely

Broke me and my life apart that night.

Thinking back on it all today, I was so

Young and naïve, only wanting to be

Kind to a friend in need not realizing

The danger of the weening process if

You're not experienced to deal with it.

I was killed because my kindness confused

My friend who wasn't used to being treated

Nicely by anyone in his life, that's what he

Explained to me in a letter after the event.

I don't know if that makes any sense, and I

Admittedly have mulled it over for years,

But I've come to realize it's doesn't matter.

What happened, just happened,

It's over now, and I've moved on.

I'm detailing it now to give a

Final record of the experience,

'Cause for the longest time, I truly

Didn't think it'd ever be possible to

Break free from this nightmare.

Couldn't tell you how,

But I did, I finally did.

It's pretty clear in my head

That I will not see myself

Through to the end of this

Deterioration, I will submit

A request for a medically-

Assisted death when it's time.

That is what I meant when

I previously mentionned

That my life will not avert

From ending in suicide.

As for eligibility, not sure,

But that's where I'd start.

When the pain becomes

Too much and I can no

Longer move on my own,

That's when I'll start the

Process, it'll be time then

To have it all stopped.

I realize that may well be

A bit morbid as a thought,

But I don't view it as such.

I'm relieved that the option

Is available in an otherwise

Optionless situation as this.

It's only going to get worse,

And has been getting worse

In the last seven years, I feel

It in my body that there's no

Turning back to good with this.

Each year, I can do far less.

And the pain is only growing.

At some point, I won't be able

To withstand it any longer, it's

Only a matter of time now.

I have a high endurance for it,

But still, it's already difficult.

That will never diminish.

So those are the reasons

For my decision, thought

I should let you know.

I'm hoping that you'll be able

To understand my reasoning.

Eventually, and inevitably,

It'll all become too much.

Out of curiosity,

Is it because it's

Too stupid?

Uninteresting?

Or it doesn't

Generate any

Thoughts?

Or there's really

Nothing to be

Said about it?

Or it's not worth

A response?

Or you fear being

Too personal?

Or it's too poor

An attempt at

Writing overall?

I can't guess.

How can someone come to believe

Something that has no bearing on

Their experiences actually lived?

How can someone be convinced

By lies that completely contradict

What they've been through in life?

It's difficult to understand the

Dynamics of how someone's

Memories can be high jacked

By another's seething hate

And alter all of everything

To such devastating levels

How do you get someone to

Come back to the love and

All of the good memories?

How do you get someone to

See that things got distorted

And they were deceived?

How do you get someone to

Remember how loved they've

Always been and always'll be?

Is time the only solution?