IB M

- follow up to 'News About My Father'... 

Whenever my family seeps

Into my life like it has recently,

It always brings all sorts of

Exchanges that're emotionally

Draining after a little while.

Now this situation with my

Father, it's clear to me now

That this has nothing to do

With anything my father

Wishes or expressed at all.

And here my brother contacts

Me after seven years with no

Contact 'cause I think I might

Have insulted him by telling

Him I wasn't impressed with

How he'd handled a situation.

And he knows how I feel

About our parents, but it

Never stops him pushing

For me to have contact,

'Cause you know, they're

Our parents, after all.

So for him to contact me about

Our father's situation like that,

I'm kind of seeing it as it's about

Him more than about our father.

It would just not make any sense

For me to go at this stage, none.

So I will not.

It'll no doubt

Only disturb him

If I did, and I

Don't want that.

The man didn't express this

Wish, he isn't coherent or

Even lucid most days, and

He's emotionally as well

As mentally fragile, how

Can anyone think this would

Be a good idea at all, I just

Don't see it, it feels ill-advised,

To such an extent, my brother

Is too afraid to ask him if he

Has this wish or not before dying,

'Cause we both know that in his

'Normal' state, he's never dealt

Well with any sort of emotions.

The man isn't stable in his

Usual state, that hasn't changed.

This is only my brother's wish,

But I had to tell him it wouldn't

Be realized, 'cause I don't think

It would be kind to cause any

Sort of distress to him now.

So I will not go to see him.

He believes in God and Heaven,

I hope it brings him some comfort

For the next phases he will pass.

In the end, I think it's the best in

The current circumstances.

- stopped watching tv about 25 years ago... including televised news... which considerably helped to better manage my anxieties... but nowadays, I get my news on the net... about once a month or so... depending on my anxiety levels... 

The first and last breath of these

ponderings is an exasperated

sigh, as a result of having

spent a few minutes getting

up to speed with the news ;

I really don't know why I

subject myself to this stress.

There's nothing I can say

that'd be remarkable, but

like everyone, I have my

thoughts on things when

perhaps I shouldn't since I

really don't know anything ;

I'm just an inconsequential

Joe Bloe. rien de plus, so

my airing them out isn't

because I think they're

anything grand ; just saying,

I guess, if you're interested.

But what the news reports

Gives a very tired picture.

These wars going on around

The world, they're all the

Same, these old guys arguing

about stuff most people don't

relate to, imposing violence

and death unto others who

don't want to submit to their

ideas and ways of how to live.

Taking by force from others

and indiscriminately destroying

everything and everyone in the

way just so they can own it all,

that stuff that isn't theirs, but

for some reason, they'll kill to

have in their possession, just

'cause the other side said no.

It's insane behavior, and history

keeps proving it's in some

humans' nature to be this way.

We keep running up against it,

and every time, it gets out of

proportion and escalates on.

It's just so very tiring, and so

deeply discouraging that this

keeps rearing its ugly head

all of the time.  Where's our

evolution?  This always sorely

challenges my perception of it.

This battle of whose dick is

biggest is a really done scene.

Oh how I wish they could get

over themselves, and just quit

it already, these assholes are

ruining everything over distorted

illusions of grandeur and entitlement.

Goddammit, remind me to not

bother with the news anymore.

- my expectations are the same since 2020... what kind of question is that? 

Am I being funny about this?

Every time I see the physiatrist,

She always at some point after

We talk some asks me what my

Expectations are from today's

Consultation, and each time,

It makes me feel pretty stumped.

Also makes me feel like she's

Reached the end of her ideas

On what to do to manage or

Improve the difficulties...

My expectations?  That she

Uses her expertise to sort

Out some sort of solution

Instead of throwing the ball

Right back into my court as

If I have any idea which

Way forward would be the

Best for our follow-ups.

My expectations?  That she

Helps me figure out a way to

Not be in so much pain all

Of the time, is that reasonable?

Why is she asking me this?

Feels like she doesn't know either.

Do doctors ask you that, and if so,

How does it make you feel?

Am I being funny about this?

- writing exercise of sorts... writing in rhymes isn't something I find particularly easy... 

Somewhere along the way

You lost your heart for it

But you decided you'd stay

Even if we'd be worse for it

It's hard to piece it all together

Pulling bits closer you realize

But by then, it comes to falter

And a remedy won't materialize

So you try hard to find a solution

And hope no one takes a peek

If they found out your deception

You'd onward be seen as weak

If not completely ineffectual in

Your important role around here

Tell us, what will it take to pin

Your heart back to this sphere?

- it isn't that I hold it against my father for what he did... but it's not stuff you forget or that don't have an impact on how you feel... I mean, it's like a red-hot burner, once your hand's touched it, you won't put it back there again... that kind of feeling... 

My brother is psychiatrically ill,

And neurodivergent as well,

So his memories and how he lived

Them are vastly different than mine.

And when it comes to our father,

My brother has always retained

That need he always sought to

Meet with the man:  approval.

He was abused and harshly mistreated

As a child, 'cause our father just

Couldn't accept he wasn't 'normal', like

It was an indictment on his manlihood.

Called him stupid, berated him, swore at

Him, knocked him off things, and hit him.

At two, he asked him to get the Phillips

Screwdriver and threw him accross

The room, 'cause he didn't get the right one.

That kind of stuff, always like this with him,

Until the day we packed up and ran away

From home to never return.  But none of that

Made my brother ever distance himself, and

He kept on hoping for that approval, never

Realizing he's expecting the impossible

From a very broken person who just can't.

I won't go into what he did to me or my 

Mother, but horrible puts it a bit lightly...

It's like my brother and I don't remember

The same things, and I find it very bizarre...

It's sad that he can't see he'll never get it.

She comes to a serious point where

Certainty starts to take a big tumble,

'Cause there's really not much to be

Constructed from a heap of silence,

And one-way anything is so very

Unreassuring, it's undescribable,

As well as it inevitably always tenders

An inescapable hard blow to all peace.

So she comes to a down point where

Forms serious doubts she'll carry on,

'Cause she deserves so much better...

- my brother contacted me today to let me know that our father (77) has been admitted to a hospice for end-of-life palliative care in August for a brain tumor and his prognosis is about 3 months...

thank you for the comments on my last two posts... I'll be answering over the weekend...

I really don't know how I feel about this

Considering all of the devastating history.

My brother asked if I'll go visit him, 

But I get the feeling that wouldn't be

A good idea, or beneficial for anyone.

Haven't spoken or seen each other in

Over twenty years, so I think it'd be

Awfully awkward for me to show up.

And in the state he's in, I'm thinking

It's the kind of thing that could cause

Distress, and I don't wish to bring that.

So I really don't know where I'm at

With all of this, have to think about it.

Hello Demarcus Kerr,

I received your unexpected email

Announcing to me that you have

Hacked my computer, have access

To everything, and even recorded

Me pleasuring myself while I was

On a porn site, and that you would

Publish it to all my contacts if I

Didn't send you 1300$ USD to

Your bitcoin account promptly.

The thing is, Demarcus, what you

Claim is complete nonsense as

There's no way you recorded me

Doing any such thing, 'cause this

May come as a shock to you, but

Porn sites aren't my thing at all,

So you definitely didn't catch me

Visiting such a site, impossible.

What a scam you're involved with, 

You should be ashamed of yourself

For causing such distress to others

Just for the sake of making money.

Taking advantage of the less tech-

Savvy as you do is truly disgusting.

Where's your self-pride, and honor?

Where's your sense of community?

What pleasure is it to hurt others?

Seriously, what's the matter with you?

So tired of taking my time

For people who evidently

Don't think it's worth much.

So tired of making efforts

For people who clearly don't 

Consider I'm worth a minute.

So tired of the rudeness

People seem comfortable to

Throw my way somehow.

So tired of being nice to

People who don't care that I

Have feelings like everyone.

So tired of being treated

Like I don't matter at all,

And I think I'm quite done.

Freedom of speech

Is not freedom of aggression

I tend to agree that

Is a huge difference

Perhaps nuance's too subtle

To be detected nowadays?