IB M

I'm working in the code

Can't express how happy

That makes me, but there

You go, getting things sorted

Out that've been outstanding.

Enfin.

- "You" by Robert Pettersson (singer from Swedish band Takida)... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-YG-zLS9Cw

Ever hear a song

That just takes you

And makes you feel?

While the words are like

They were about your

Situation? The music

The exact emotions

You're feeling in it?

I have one particular

Song lately, and singing

It feels like an ultimate

Release, it's so good.

With how I'm feeling,

This is a nice burst

Of feeling alive and like

Someone understands.

The song speaks on

Point about how I feel.

So I have it on repeat

And I sing it outloud,

And let the emotions flood

Me ; strangely it feels good.

I always feel like no one

Understands what I'm in,

But this song tells me

Someone out there does.

- perspective :  mental health crises on repeat... causing fear accompanied by overwhelming doubts...

After two resuscitations and

Three hospitalizations since June,
It's looking to me like I'm on my
Sure way toward losing this battle...

Really not to be dramatic, but it's

Seriously feeling like this is it: 

The beginning of the end, all the

While I can't do anything about it.

I'm fearful that I won't make it

Through this, 'cause I still am

Unable to gain control over it, and

It takes over so frequently now.

I'm struggling to figure out

Exactly what's going on with that,

And my latest statistics contradict

That I'll figure it out in time...

It sure looks like I won't succeed.

un mot à la fois,

un moment précis

qui persiste en mémoire,

et pleins d'explications

qui n'ont pas pour effet

d'être satisfaisantes,

mais peut-être qu'un jour

un sens à tout ça se révélera

entretemps, il y a tant

à passer par-dessus,

car ces préoccupations

n'en valent pas la peine

chose certaine est que

c'est le temps pour ces

choses d'en arriver à leur

fin, elles n'aident rien

j'ai longtemps souhaiter

pour ta paix, tu dois me croire

rien de ce qui se passe est

ce que je souhaite, tu dois savoir

je t'aime, je te respecte, tu es

quelqu'un qui m'a toujours soutenue

je suis désolée d'être si affectée

par toutes ces choses du passé

j'ai été étampée, démantibulée,

on a tenté de me briser au-delà

de ce qui peut être récupérable

j'ai souffert, je me suis livrée

au combat de me sortir de ces

enfers, j'ai tout tenté pour améliorer

les dommages qu'ils m'ont causé,

mais voilà, je n'y arrive pas très bien

alors en toute franchise, je ne sais plus,

je suis au-delà d'être épuisée, je me

sens plutôt vaincue et hors d'options,

mon corps en douleur constante, ma tête

toujours sur le bord de perdre tout fil

raisonnable, qu'est-ce que je fais, qu'est-ce

qui se passe, tout semble s'échapper de moi

et je n'ai aucun contrôle pour l'empêcher

je n'ai juste plus l'énergie pour me battre

- groupe de réadaptation hyperlaxité / Programme des lésions musculosquelettiques (IRDPQ)

The more I move,

The more it hurts my body.

So I naturally took on the

Habit of not moving very much.

And of course, that is just

Not good for a body at all.

So even though moving is a 

Painful affair, I mustn't stop.

It's so counterintuitive to keep

On moving through the pain...

But I'm told it must be done

To avoid serious problems later.

Although I'm absolutely not

Convinced, I keep on with the program,

'Cause these experts must know

What they're on about, I'd like to think.

So I'm all kitted out with a whole

Bunch of orthoses for support :

Compressive body suit, knee brace, thumb

Braces, and tightening belt/brace on hips.

And of course, my walking sticks.

I'm starting to feel a bit wrapped up

Here, it's really a bit much in truth.

Takes some getting used to, too.

I'm not exactly overjoyed by this,

It actually kind of depresses me.

These things are meant to help

Diminish the difficulties moving brings.

They do to a minimal extent, it's true,

But it's hard to be positive through so

Much pain.  All I feel is intense pain,

It pretty much distracts from anything else.

The treatment program is going well,

The experts there are enthusiastic and

Saying there's progress, but for my part,

Can't say I'm feeling or seeing any of that.

It's an absolute physical misery

It's still happening, you know

The thoughts aren't leaving

They're taking all of the space

So loud, I can't shut them out

Really don't think I'll be able to hold

Myself back for very much longer

I can never stop it

I always fail

No matter how much I fight it

I'm completely useless, you know

Despair, my bedfellow

Exhaustion, the annihilator

This mind, my ennemy

This life, a world of pain

If I listened to myself now

There'd be no tomorrow

And if I were less pathetic

I could maybe step over it

si j'avais les mots pour expliquer

ce qui s'est passé, mais je ne les ai pas...

tout a changé ce jour, je ne sais pas

si je suis récupérable, mais on verra bien,

seul le temps pourra le montrer

mais si j'étais franche à présent

il faudrait que je mentionne

que je n'y ai plus tant de coeur

ou même un brin d'espoir, juste

en attente que l'inévitable survienne

je n'ai plus les forces pour ce

combat sans sens apparent

mon épuisement déborde les

limites du tolérable actuellement

tout a changé ce jour, vraiment tout

mais je n'ai pas les mots pour l'expliquer

Physically

Mentally

I think it's safe to say

I'm hanging by a thread

But I'm holding on

The insidious nature of it

Will make you sort out

How to best achieve your

Goals to injure yourself

Without anyone knowing.

It'll make you sneaky around

Your loved-ones, make you

Devise the perfect isolation

So you'll not be interrupted

While you attack yourself.

It'll make you believe warped

Notions that all of this is justified

And even at some point make

You believe death would be the

Preferable outcome after all.

The insidious nature of it

Will make you succeed at failing,

It'll take everything until there's

Really nothing left of you to take.

Its only goal is to make you die.

And with so many close calls,

No doubt it will some day win.