IB M

- separatists are those who believe that we as a French-speaking society are a distinct culture from the rest of Canada and should not be part of Canada, and be its own French country... although I'm French Québécoise, it's not a sentiment I share... 

I do love where I live,

Was born here and have

Lived here my whole life,

But the one thing I don't

Like about it is all that

Nonsense about French.

And let's be clear, my

Father is a French

Québécois, my first

Language is French;

I learned English when

I was twelve years old,

'Cause I'm a nut for

Languages, always been.

I'm not big on politics,

But the ones that exist

Where I live are not

Possible to not notice,

'Cause laws are put in

Place on spurious beliefs

About our culture and

Language being under

Threat, which is totally

Ludicrous, and in many

Respects, very small-

Minded and alarmist.

You see, there's this

Whole saga centuries-

Old about the French

And the English here,

And since at one point

The English ruled and

Were the more affluent

Members of society, it's

Been a sore point for

What seems forever.

Generations have been

Brought up with the

BS point of view that

We must preserve our

Culture and language,

And must not allow

English from ever being

Able to be prominent,

To such an extent that

Bilinguism is tossed as

Any concept of being 

Anything that is good.

It's almost viewed as a

Betrayal if you know

English for some hard

Core separatists here.

There's such a tension

Between the communities

That it wasn't uncommon

For me to be bad-mouthed

On the bus for speaking

English with my mates,

Having been told quite a

Few times 'On est au

Québec icitte, ostie'.

Meaning we speak French

Here, you better speak it.

So we have generations

Of unilingual French-

Speaking people as the

Norm, 'cause our laws

Have everything in place

To make it very difficult,

And very expensive,

To use another language

In the public as well as

The commercial spheres

Of our dear society.

Business names must be

French, signs must have

Larger lettered French

In prominence, products

Must have a French

User guide, services

Must be in French and

No entity of any kind

Is required to offer

English services even

Though Canada is a

Bilingual country.

Immigrants who come to

Our province are required

To learn French, can obtain

Services in another language

For six months, but after

That, they must use French.

Recently passed this law

That even doctors will not

Be allowed to carry on

Offering services in any

Other language but French.

It's absolute madness, all this.

There's also parents who want

To send their children to English

School, they must go through a

Long process of proving that

It's a justified request and

They must meet quite a few

Criteria to be approved

Before obtaining a certificate

From the government that

Will grant permission to

Send their children to English

Instead of French education.

Even websites must be

Prominently presented

In the French language.

It's all very embarrassing

Really, and so ridiculous.

If any of the rules are not

Followed, we have this

Body called the Office

Québécois de la langue

française which people

Can contact to complain,

And they do carry out

Inspections and issue

Hefty fines, we call them the

Language police, in all truth.

So yeah, this part is truly

Not to my liking, it's a sore

Point.  To me, it's like they're

Deliberately and willingly

Wanting to remain uneducated,

Limited in their options and

In their interactions with others.

Knowing more than one language

Is to me so valuable for so many 

Reasons both personally and

Practically, can't understand why

Anyone can feel so against it

On the grounds of protecting

Their language and culture.

Doesn't make much sense to me.

- first horse-drawn tramways ran in England in 1807... first cable-run tramways ran in San Francisco, US in 1873... Québec city has started building one... for the twenty-first century... huh?

For a number of years now

All we've been hearing

About is how good it'd be

For our city to modernize.

So, what did the geniuses

At city hall come up with?

Let's build a whole city-

Wide tramway network!

Is it just me, but isn't that

Far from being modern?

A throw-back to the 1800s

Doesn't strike as novelty,

Certainly doesn't scream

Modernization in any way.

Wonder where the link's made

That it's anywhere present-day.

It's really lost on me.

- yeah, my life is incredibly boring... but that's what's going on right now...

Omnis for omnipraticiens in French... which is general practitioners in English... we're a team of 8...

When I go to the office,

I have 500 metres to

Walk from the parking

Place I leave my car at

To the office, and I did

With my trekking poles

For the first time today.

Spent the whole day

Using my poles, and

It certainly helps me

Move much quicker                          (my manager made the remark about it too)

Than I have been in

The last few months.

So that's very different.

My arms are killing me,

And my wrists are indeed

Sore, but it's tolerable, so

I think I'll be ok with these.

The attention it brings me

Is still not something I like

Much, but I did notice that

People are being incredibly

Nice, not that they weren't                  (not just colleagues, even strangers when out)

Before, but we talked about

What's going on and they

Expressed support and even

Offered to let them know if

They can do something for me.

Must admit that lightened my

Feelings of awkwardness and

Discomfort about my condition.

I hadn't really told anyone, they

Just saw me limp and sort of

Hold on to the walls on the way

Without knowing why I am.                (felt really uncomfortable about that)

But now they know, and I'm

Feeling ok with that, and my

Going around with my trekking

Poles around the office is ok,

Not feeling as shy about it now

That I've done it.  Seems like

Today achieved a few victories.

I opened up to a group of five.             (my work team, we're known as the Omnis)

I used my trekking poles

All day quite successfully.

I walked a whole lot more today

And I'm no worse off in my pain.

It felt like I finally had a full day

Like I haven't been able to have

For so long now.  It was amazing.

So my optimism is on the rise,

I really think this is going to work.

The arms will need a bit of time

To strengthen, but I think that'll

Settle down and I'll be fine soon.

The wrists, well, we'll see in time...

But for now, it's all looking good.

- did get the trekking poles in the end yesterday... and I think they may work out... but have to get my muscles a little stronger first though... 

Oh boy, the trekking poles

Are at the moment proving

To be quite the work out on

The arms, they're burning.

So can't go very far with

Them just yet, still, I'm

Noticing less rubbing in hip

And knee, and that's good.

I'm encouraged even though

It's all very difficult right now.

I'm thinking with a bit more

Time, it'll strengthen me and

I'll experience the benefits

The stronger my muscles get.

So I need to be patient and

Persevere, it should work out.

My impression is that this

Will in fact be helpful once

My strength builds up more,

So sensing hope for the first

Time in a very long while.

Feeling like this may very

Well be the perfect option,

Feeling optimistic about it.

So I'll keep on and find out.

- Mini is our new girl in the house, we rescued her from the SPA in February... she's 17 months old now... she had a similar look on her face last night... 

we have every trouble to get her to come curl up on the bed... but last night, she immediately came up and did exactly that... so unexpected... 

NB:  last two lines of this are said in laughs... 

As my douce moitié and I

Were having some naked

Time last night, you know

What I mean, the cat got

Herself closer and curled

Herself on the bed right next

To us, and started to stare on

Intently at what we were doing.                (very much at close eye-level, coudn't miss it)

It was to say the least very

Distracting and somewhat

Very awkward, made us laugh,

So, overtaken by the giggles,

I asked the cat : "do you not

Have any sense at all that

You were not for this invited?"

Silly thing just kept on staring.              

Luckily, after a little while,

She got bored and mosied on

To another part of the house,

Leaving us to finish what we

Started, in peace, and

Without a spectator.

That was indeed much better.

Thank you so kindly, Mini.

- blablabla... just some nondescript ramblings... 

Sometimes understanding helps

Other times it does nothing at all

You get that it's horrible and words are

Difficult to come by as a response to it

You also get powerlessness' uncomfortable

Before another's suffering, what do you do?

But to be the one on the receiving end

Is truly a terrible feeling to deal with

You were alone through the years of hell

And you're alone still 'cause of that hell

Since others can't stomach such a reality

All the while you never had any choice

Sometimes understanding helps, but

Often, it's no consolation in any form

- I try my best to not make it show when it's physically not going too great... I don't like it when it's noticeable to others, that kind of attention is really uncomfortable... so focusing on people instead and smiling with them is what I do... 

It may be difficult to believe,

But if you asked anyone who

Knows me, they'd say that I

Am a person who smiles a lot.

That may not reflect much in

The things that I write about,

But it's true, when I'm with

Others, I can be seen smiling.

I can't help it, really, it's not

Something I can ever imagine

Myself not doing, 'cause how

Miserable I truly feel doesn't

Need to be anyone's concern,

Plus it helps my focus away

From what's going on and can

Toss it aside some, a little easier.

I don't know, I just like people,

And when I'm with them, they

Make me smile, and laugh, which

Is something I very much enjoy.

So I do.  Pretty much all the time.

- prompted from feeling like I have to prove to some that I'm struggling to move... 'cause apparently accommodating someone could cause some to feel it's unfair...  yeah, can't say that I get that one...

Here's what I'm dealing with :

In my left hip, there's a split in

The labrum which the hip bone

Rubs, stretches and irritates at

Each step that I take in a day;

Hasn't healed in seven years.

In my left knee, I sprained

The interior ligament in my

Sleep which hasn't healed

Yet and it's been four years.

In my right shoulder, there's

A subscapular tendinopathy I

Somehow caused in my sleep,

Which has managed to heal,

But remains pretty fragile.

In my right index finger, I

Sprained another ligament

Very recently while playing

Guitar, so it's to be seen if

This one will come to heal.

In my left wrist, there's a

Sizeable cyst in between the

Ligaments that sometimes

Paralyzes the use of my hand.

But for both wrists, it's just

Impossible to apply weight.

In my right hip, started to

Appear some pain like my

Left one started years ago,

Not sure if it's another split,

But it sure feels like it is.

In my back and my knees,

There's recently stiffness

Which is feeling pretty tight,

That's a new thing settling in.

I also occasionally get bouts

Of costochondritis which

Causes painful inflammation

Of the cartilage around the

Rib cage and the sternum.

And throughout all of my

Joints, there's an intermittent

Shooting pain in the bones

Of my limbs or localized

Throbbing, without movement.

There's also the fragile state 

Of my blood vessels which

Causes bruises and hematomas of

Impressive sizes at the slightest

Pressure on skin, it's all very sore.

Consequently, the more I move these

Parts, the more irritation it causes me

And a lot of inflammation, too.

There really isn't a moment in my

Body that doesn't hurt, it's always.

So, going places for no reason

Isn't something I can do lightly,

And I'm not exaggerating when I

Say that moving is very painful.

There's a very limited number of

Places I can get myself to weekly,

And going over it is always a risk,

So it's not to be awkward, it's

Just the reality of my situation.

- my friend Stéphane was 29... I was 17... we met at a 24-hr Dunkin' Donuts in Montréal one night ('cause my hitchhiking buddy Sébastien had unexpectedly ditched me to go sleep at his relative's and I had nowhere to sleep)... and Stéphane came back with me to Québec to finish his weening of heroin (not a drug I had personal experience with, just friends on it) ... next month is the month it happened all those years ago... October has a lot each year...

I think this write is my way to close that box, so to speak... the last one... finally... 

and about receiving a letter from him after, it certainly was another shock... he also said in it that for the rest of his life he would cut himself with that hunting knife he used, to inflict the same pain he caused me until the day that I am healed... ouf... I can't say that I knew how to receive that... 

On his third day of weening

From heroin, he lost his head.

Wouldn't say it totally came out

Of the blue, 'cause our chat in

The evening was bizarre enough

To indicate something was off,

But nothing life-threatening.

He spent a good part of it trying

To convince me that there are

Ten percent of the population

Who are actually Martians, and

That he was one of them among us.

I listened and didn't challenge

Him as the timing didn't feel right.

When the evening wound to its

End, we went to bed, I, on the

Floor in the living room, he, on

The couch, and all seemed ok,

There was no upset between us,

And I couldn't have guessed what

Would end up happening that night.

At some point in the night, he got

Up, and started kicking me awake

Very forcefully, which was the

Biggest shock, and so unexpected.

I don't remember what he was

Yelling at me while doing this,

But the terror followed me for years.

He then picked me up off the floor

With a solid grasp of my long hair,

And I felt myself being thrown around,

Knocking walls and furniture along,

To then being pinned against a wall,

Him still yelling, and his hand squeezing

My throat cutting the air from entering.

Then for what seemed like it came out

Of nowhere, there was a huge hunting

Knife pressed very hard against my face,

And his eyes were dark with a lot of rage.

He continued yelling, something about

Not believing my kindness wasn't some

Kind of lie or trick to deceive him.

This went on for a while, and the more

Terrified I was, the more I froze and

Withdrew not showing any reaction,

Which only made him even angrier,

And made him lose all self-restraint.

He choked me, tossed me around more,

And simply beat the daylights out of me.

I don't know for how long all of this

Went on, and I don't know how long

I was left on the floor, all bloodied

And in excrutiating pain, feeling my

Life seep out of me, but I remember

When everything went black and

Nothing more of what happened next.

At the hospital, after the coma, I was

Told that it had been necessary to revive

Me, and in a coma a little over a day.

I remember the devastating, soaring

Disappointment I felt to have survived.

I remember the painful wounds,

Cuts from the knife, and from being

Thrown on furniture, walls, floor, being

Kicked, kneed, and punched;  body was

In very poor shape for a while after all that.

As for my mental health, you can no doubt

Well imagine it was not fairing any better.

This incident changed everything for me,

It actually broke the little I had left in me.

And for twenty years, it was impossible

For me to go to sleep without reliving

Each action he made that night, over

And over, and it felt impossible to stop.

I couldn't control it, and I'd get stuck

In those moments feeling it all again

As if it was happening in current times.

It was a perpetual nightmare with no

End in sight for me, so I developed

The fear of going to sleep as a result.

So for years, the only way for me to

Get to sleep was to stay up for days

Until my body crashed on its own and

Forced me to sleep, it usually worked.

But going for days without sleep does

No one's system any good, and falling

Asleep in that manner restored nothing,

So I was so out of energy, my mind in

A constant fog, I felt like a living dead.

And of course, accompanying me through

All of this was depression not letting up.

So yeah, this friend of mine completely

Broke me and my life apart that night.

Thinking back on it all today, I was so

Young and naïve, only wanting to be

Kind to a friend in need not realizing

The danger of the weening process if

You're not experienced to deal with it.

I was killed because my kindness confused

My friend who wasn't used to being treated

Nicely by anyone in his life, that's what he

Explained to me in a letter after the event.

I don't know if that makes any sense, and I

Admittedly have mulled it over for years,

But I've come to realize it's doesn't matter.

What happened, just happened,

It's over now, and I've moved on.

I'm detailing it now to give a

Final record of the experience,

'Cause for the longest time, I truly

Didn't think it'd ever be possible to

Break free from this nightmare.

Couldn't tell you how,

But I did, I finally did.

It's pretty clear in my head

That I will not see myself

Through to the end of this

Deterioration, I will submit

A request for a medically-

Assisted death when it's time.

That is what I meant when

I previously mentionned

That my life will not avert

From ending in suicide.

As for eligibility, not sure,

But that's where I'd start.

When the pain becomes

Too much and I can no

Longer move on my own,

That's when I'll start the

Process, it'll be time then

To have it all stopped.

I realize that may well be

A bit morbid as a thought,

But I don't view it as such.

I'm relieved that the option

Is available in an otherwise

Optionless situation as this.

It's only going to get worse,

And has been getting worse

In the last seven years, I feel

It in my body that there's no

Turning back to good with this.

Each year, I can do far less.

And the pain is only growing.

At some point, I won't be able

To withstand it any longer, it's

Only a matter of time now.

I have a high endurance for it,

But still, it's already difficult.

That will never diminish.

So those are the reasons

For my decision, thought

I should let you know.

I'm hoping that you'll be able

To understand my reasoning.

Eventually, and inevitably,

It'll all become too much.