IB M

Out of curiosity,

Is it because it's

Too stupid?

Uninteresting?

Or it doesn't

Generate any

Thoughts?

Or there's really

Nothing to be

Said about it?

Or it's not worth

A response?

Or you fear being

Too personal?

Or it's too poor

An attempt at

Writing overall?

I can't guess.

How can someone come to believe

Something that has no bearing on

Their experiences actually lived?

How can someone be convinced

By lies that completely contradict

What they've been through in life?

It's difficult to understand the

Dynamics of how someone's

Memories can be high jacked

By another's seething hate

And alter all of everything

To such devastating levels

How do you get someone to

Come back to the love and

All of the good memories?

How do you get someone to

See that things got distorted

And they were deceived?

How do you get someone to

Remember how loved they've

Always been and always'll be?

Is time the only solution?

Listen, you evidently

Can't handle this now,

And it's making you

Feel totally miserable,

So it may be time for

You to step away... ?

You know you need

To consider this now,

'Cause it no longer

Answers your needs,

And it only manages

To crush you to bits...

The comfort and support

It once was for you is no

Longer, that epoch's gone,

And the more time goes,

The more it's revealed that

This doesn't suit anymore...

You should listen, really.

- with rough translation... very fond moments spent in my little field of broccoli as a child...

Quand j'étais enfant,

J'ai fait une découverte

Tout à fait émerveillante :

J'ai trouvé un petit champ

De broccoli non loin des bois qui

Longeaient la cour de ma maison.

When I was a child,

I made a discovery

That was so amazing :

I found a little field

Of broccoli not far from the woods that

Stretched along the backyard of my house.

Des rangées et des rangées

De broccoli devant moi,

Et je m'assoyais entres elles,

Le soleil me tapant sur la tête,

Et j'étais si paisible, émerveillée,

Totalement remplie de joie.

Rows and rows

Of broccoli before me,

And I'd sit between them,

The sun heating my head,

And I was so at peace, amazed,

Totally filled with joy.

Assise-là, je m'adonnais à grignoter

Sur ces belles et incroyables découvertes,

Complètement contente de cette chance...

Dans mon insouciance d'enfant,

Je n'avais jamais pensé que ce broccoli

Pouvait être la propriété de quelqu'un.

While sitting there, I indulged in snacking

On these beautiful and incredible discoveries,

Absolutely happy for this chance...

In my child's unawareness,

I'd never even thought that this broccoli

Could be someone's property.

C'est un de mes plus beaux souvenirs,

Mon petit champ de broccoli.

It's one of my dearest memories,

My little field of broccoli. 

- very strange, 'cause my thoughts are not on that at all...

Sometimes when I lie down

And try to get myself to sleep

I'll have my arms on my side

And feel the wounds of the past

As if I'd just made them now.

The sensation's so real even

If it's my body's memory

Playing it up in that moment,

I feel the throbbing, and the

Blood pulsating out of me.

This happens quite frequently

Even though there's no state

Of mind for self-destruction

And no depressive episode, it

Comes completely unprompted

When I try to relax and find sleep.

It's like my body has its own life

Separate from my mind's control,

It's all very strange considering

It's been years since I've done this.

There's no desire in me to take

Out the cutting implements and

Certainly no desire to hurt myself,

So why my body goes back to that

Reality of a distant past's a mystery,

When all I'm trying to do is sleep.

If only I knew what

Was upsetting you

So much, maybe we

Could talk about it,

And find a resolution.

I'm worried to know

You so upset about

Something, and

Apparently, it's about

Me, but you need to say.

Last time we spoke,

You were happy sharing

About your graduation

And your experiences in

Training, it was wonderful.

There was no indication

Of anything being wrong,

So, you'll need to help

Me with some details

As to what this is about.

I cannot guess.

Get so self-conscious

Leaving comments

On others' posts 'cause

I never think I have

Anything worthwhile

To offer, and I'm so

Afraid of being an

Annoyance in the end.

I have to wrestle with

This immense anxiety

Any time I communicate

With others, I'm socially

Quite a wreck, really...

I do try to improve myself,

But it's something that'll

Take a while to sort out.

Thanks for your patience.

Fucking hell, girl,

Why won't you give

It a rest already...

No one wants to hear

About that, and anyway,

What do you expect?

A bit unfair to fill the

Space with your negative

Crap, be considerate...

Surely you can write

Better things than that,

Just put your mind to it!

My body is just pain

Of varying degrees

But always present

Not a single moment

Is passed without hurt

I'm kind of losing it

Hard not to feel it

It's invasively present

At all times, throbbing

In all kinds of ways

There's no way to toss it

Or not pay attention to it

It's there, like an unwanted

Passenger who hangs on

And won't let you forget

Add to the nightmare

Mobility's an issue 'cause

That pain is too great

The frustration is hard

To express, but it grows

I'm so very exhausted

I know I say it all the time

But am I ever, it's really

Weighing me down now

And not sure how long

I'll be able to withstand it

Feels like it's shortening

As the days go on 'cause

This pain is just too much

I seriously need a break

- really exhausted, so on my days off, I fall asleep at all hours, and sleep for long stretches...

it's currently 4h15... sigh...

Damn it, I hate it when this happens!

Fell asleep in the afternoon yesterday,

And then woke up in the night at 2am.

And of course cannot get myself back

To sleep, so I'll be up all this time

Until my shift starts in a few hours.

It's going to be a very long day.