IB M

I'm so fucking mad

With how things are

Turning out, how the

First half of my life

Was stolen by the

Struggles of trauma,

And how when I

Found a clearing in

All of that and could

Finally live a bit,

My body's condition

Became too painful to

Move around as I'd like.

It's only getting worse,

And I'm fucking losing it.

Emotional pain for years,

Now constant physical pain,

It just doesn't fucking stop.

Do you mind if I say my

Life just fucking sucks?

It feels so immature to me

To say something like that,

But seriously, what the fuck?

There's so much suffering

A person can handle, really,

And I think I did my fair share.

Can I get a fucking break?

Am I expecting too much?

Fucking hell.

- no remedies, no options for improvement... and I'm deeply exhausted... don't see anything else possible for relief other than when life will come to an end... I'm not depressed, but clearly not feeling too cheery... sorry...  

Not in a depression

Or in a suicidal state

But looking forward

To when it'll be over

My ability to stand it

Is waning very fast

It'll only get worse

And there's nothing

That can be done

So, I'm not depressed

Or suicidal, but my

Wish for some relief

Only gets stronger

And I very much

Look forward to it

Coming to an end

- another preoccupation... 

This is starting to feel ridiculous,

Can't figure out how to meet

People and have them around

More regularly in my life...

Don't know where to go to make

It happen or what I should be

Doing specifically to create

A context where something like

That can happen.  Trying to find

Ways to change this isolation

That's been around for ages now.

Not that I mind my solitude,

But it's in a constant state still

And I'd really like to change it.

There's still anxiety, a bit of

Phobia remaining, but it's not

Like it used to be anymore,

And it would be so nice to

Have connections with others

And have them around in life.

That's the part I'm working on,

Hoping that I'll figure it out.

Seriously, what made you stay?

Surely you could tell all was

Not as it should be with me

And some of the things I said

Were not all too coherent...

What gave you the impression

You were not wasting your time?

I was so not well, so not there,

But for some reason you stayed

Anyway, went through it with me.

Most don't bother, why did you?

- my condition causes chronic physical pain... and the more I move, the more it exacerbates the pain... as it's a syndrome, it affects many parts of my system... so any medication I take always causes the severest side-effects a drug can have as a result... 

Because of it, I'm in a lot of pain,

And because of it, I can't take 

Any medication to alleviate it

How do you remain uplifted

When there's nothing that will

Make it better in any way?

And you know it's only the

Start, this pain will worsen

Until use of your body ceases

Not to be gloomy, but this

Is preoccupying my time

A great deal as ignoring it

Is a bit of a challenge as

The days move on, my

Body is constantly pained

Moving around is getting

More difficult 'cause of it

And increasingly exhausting

Sorry, it's hard to remain uplifted

If you fall too far too fast

Just say the word, reach out

And you'll find I'll always

Be there no matter what...

I love you dearly

- the urge to disappear grows by the day...

As I sit here day in and day out,

And although I'm no longer afraid,

My solitude only grows as there

Is no one around, and those who

Sort of are, don't show interest.

I can go many weeks without a single

Person contacting me, so I spend

A lot of time alone with my head.

In fact, it's pretty much all I can do,

And at this point, it makes me spiral.

I'm starting to believe that I'm not

Remotely important in any way,

That when people say they

Love and appreciate me, it's all

Just sound bites, nothing more.

If their words matched their actions,

And they took into consideration

The things they know affect me,

I might believe their expressions of

How great a person they think I am.

But as things stand now, it's tenuous,

'Cause contradictions like that can't

Go unnoticed, their strong effect either,

So I sit here day in and day out wondering

Where all that love I hear about could be.

And no answer is forthcoming yet.

- might have been a system reaction?  I don't know... made me laugh... 

For both of my pregnancies,

When I arrived at the hospital

And told them I was giving

Birth, they did not believe me.

Apparently, I was too cheery

And laughing too much to be

In labor, so when they checked

Me out, they were surprised

I was indeed very much in labor.     (gave birth a few hours later each time)

The nurses were taken aback

By my demeanor, asking me

How I could be laughing like that.

Honestly, not sure why it made

Me laugh, but it did even though

It wasn't exactly painless.  They

Were confused, couldn't get over it.

So I asked them if it'd be better

That I scream and double over

Instead? They seemed so bothered,

It was a bizarre reaction, I thought.

I guess it's a very unusual thing for a

Woman in labor to show up laughing.

For whatever reason, contractions

Tightening spurred on laughs for me.

I can't explain it too well, and

As I said, it's not like it was

A painless affair or anything,

But it's just how it went for me.

I couldn't help myself from laughing.

-  pic:  early morning bird watching at the window... 

As you know, another great joy

In my life is my feline buddies.

We're still sad about Lilliput and Abbey,

And of course, they'll never be replaced.

But the house was so heavily empty,

Not having cats in our space was awful.

So we got ourselves two new buddies

From the shelter, one in 2024, one in 2025.

We first got a little girl of one who'd

Had a pretty rough start, found in a colony.

She was so scrawny and tiny when we

Got her, we decided to call her Mini.

Recently, we got a little boy of 7 months,

We kept the name he was given : Douglas.

He's the gentlest, sweetest cat, so affectionate.

He likes pets, belly rubs, kisses, and rubbing

His face in yours.  He's an absolute purr

Machine, instantly and constantly purring.

Mini is a sweet cat too, she's more reserved,

And a little more nervous than the other,

But she's our little shadow in the house,

Around us and curious about what's going on.

She wasn't too thrilled at first when Douglas

Arrived, it was a bit tense for a few weeks.

But this boy is zen, he never responded once with

Any aggression, he just laid down in front on her.

And last couple weeks, they've been playing

Together, having run sessions around the house

Or tapping the wiffle balls around and pulling

The strings from both ends together, things are good.

Even caught them grooming each other,

So I think things will go ok from here.

These two bring so much joy to me, I adore

Them.  Life with cats is simply the best!

Out of nowhere, you blurted out:

"You live your life as if

It owes you something!"

No idea whatever would give

You such an impression, it's so

Off, it's like you don't know me.

There isn't any part of me

That believes anything like that,

And I sure don't carry myself

In any such manner, either.

Life doesn't owe me anything,

And I've never contemplated it.

If you knew more about my life,

You'd realize how little space it

Had to reflect on such ideas...

What a bizarre thing to say.

Feels like it was said to you

And you reflected it my way.

There's no connection to me,

And it just doesn't apply at all.

I'm sorry, my friend, you're way off.

And to be honest, not really sure

What it means to live life as

If it owes you something... ?

Please forgive my bluntness,

But that sounds completely

Ridiculous as any sort of notion...

I don't know what to do with that.