IB M

- people I met while I roamed the streets in my youth... I think these things are popping in mind 'cause the office where I work is right downtown... where all of those things happened... so I have a lot of reminders, I guess... 

Bouba was 27... way too old for us at the time... 

There was also the morning

We met Bouba that was memorable,

To this day, I see it all so clearly.

Syl and I were sitting on the Bedo stairs

On rue St-Jean around 6 am finishing our LSD trip

We'd been giggling about for most of the night.

And all of a sudden, we heard a loud incident

Of someone hurling violently down the street,

The guy must have been at least 500 meters away!

But oh, it was loud and violent, we felt squeamish.

We shortly after saw him stagger his way toward us,

And once he reached us, he of course stopped for a chat.

He was so wasted, and what a sight he was:

Dread-locks sticking around his head, a bit dusty,

His eyes a bright yellow, and dressed as a hippie.

He could hardly stand and was chancelling on the spot,

Talking away, introducing himself, and retelling his night.

Despite his state, he seemed pretty peppy and enthusiastic.

So that's how we came into contact with Bouba,

And thereafter, he was a regular presence around us.

Obviously a hard-core drug user, but what a character.

Don't know how many times we found him out of his head,

A few grams of pure PCP or shots of heroin were his thing,

And we'd be worried he wouldn't make it through the night.

Yet he always laughed,

The peace and love guy

Who was always positive.

That's Bouba.

- I live in Québec city, in the province of Québec, in Canada... we have universal care, so our physicians have to request their pay from RAMQ (health ministry)...

Régie de l'assurance maladie du Québec (RAMQ)

it is a very complicated set of billing rules to follow for all medical disciplines, and with all the constant negotiations, they are ever changing, too, so my job is to assist physicians in preparing and sending their pay request to RAMQ following all of those rules... I'm an intermediary between the physician and the ministry... and I'm specifically at the assistance of the physician and I'm not affiliated with the ministry... 

I used to take care of 188 psychiatrists... but after my return to work in April after my break, at my request, I now take care of general practioners... I'm still in training, so my number is not set yet...

my job is all a very technological environment... and with what happened with Covid, it opened the door to hybrid time schedules for work... I only need to go to the office twice a week, and the rest of the week is done from home... it's absolutely perfect for me... 

I forgot to mention that I also translate RAMQ's French Newsletters into English that are sent out to our clients, as well as review, correct the French of our system macros and translate them to English... 

I'm a medical billing technician

Who helps physicians prepare

Their request for pay from RAMQ.

I make sure all the billing conforms

To all of the rules put in place by the

Ministry and the medical association.

I verify each of their billing grids,

As well as their account statements,

And make the necessary corrections.

If information is missing or the billing code

Is incorrect preventing the transmission,

I contact the physician to resolve the issue.

Once all of their billing has been verified,

And corrections have been finalized,

I then transmit their pay request to RAMQ.

I also answer their questions, assist with

The billing platform, explain the infinite

Billing rules, interpret the services rendered,

To provide the billing codes that correspond.

And of course, make suggestions

To optimize the physicians' billing.

It's a constant attention to detail,

Quite challenging, and I love it.

- if you've ever experienced isolation in your life, how did you go about resolving it?

before and during the agoraphobia, isolation is something I dealt with... now my isolation is far less extreme because I do see people I work with... but that isolation I feel is still something I'm dealing with now... and not sure how to resolve it...

Sure, I'm content and comfortable

In my quiet, alone time in life,

But these days, the perpetual aloneness

Is starting to have a bothering effect.

It's this constant isolation which

Seems to me has been the norm

For as long as I can go back in time,

Is there really a way to resolve that?

Can a foundation be completely rebuilt?

My doubts are growing as time goes by.

- oh mind, mind... you're a sincere pain in the ass at times...

Oh no, looks as though

You're on your way

To a bit of a slump there.

Do we really want that?

Think about it, my dear,

We don't need to go there,

'Cause you know too well

How all of that turns out.

Things are quite good,

You're doing as well,

So come, give it a break.

Won't you listen to me

For once?  

Please?

It will be over soon,

It's momentary to get it

Out of my system, and

That'll be the end of it.

Not many more to go,

And then I may find again

My ability to be creative

With words as I used to do.

It's been a long time now,

And I hope I will be able,

'Cause my reason for writing

Was all about the pain I felt.

And that is gone now.

So the words are a little lost,

And don't flow creatively,

They're only plain and direct.

Don't know if I'll succeed,

But we'll see soon enough.

I promise, just a few more,

Then it'll be put to rest.

- as mentioned in a previous post, my mother is also afflicted with dissociative identity disorder... at age 21, one of her identities introduced themselves to me for the first time... although I'd known this 'person' since childhood... but I had no clue then that's what was going on... I knew that I knew this 'person' because of the eyes... there's a look in the eyes (and a vibe) that is completely different than my mother's usual...

on this day, she introduced herself to me as Tina, and the language, the mannerisms, the gait, the movement of her body, the attitude, it was someone else's... That day made me understand for the first time what we'd been dealing with all this time...

a little backstory to the circumstances... I left the streets when I found out that I was expecting my first son 'cause it was clear in my mind that I wouldn't put my son through that... and at the time, my brother had also went through a psychosis (he's afflicted with schizophrenia) ... and seeing as we'd always been close, and considering the fragile state he was in, I moved back closer to my family because he trusted me more than anyone else around him... so my mother was back in my life at that time just as my boy was about to be born... needless to say, it was not the best decision I made... but during that time, I helped my brother with his medical follow-ups, meds, talking with doctors, etc... as well as deal with my mother's psychiatric issues that were also active... 

I have to admit, when I describe all of this to you, it makes me realize that I had quite a lot to deal with and I can remember the stress... but it's just how it was with my family... 

Tina surprisingly told me that I was her favorite of Micheline's 4 children... could have fooled me?

It was an ordinary day like any other,

Not much of note was going on.

I'd come back home, and I forget the

Circumstances, but my mother appeared.

Immediately, I felt something was off.

Then she started talking, expressing herself,

And I was taken aback by the incessant cursing

And the rough demeanor she was displaying.

Before long, I found myself before a foul-mouthed,

Aggressive lesbian named Tina bashing all men on Earth,

And boisterously cracking the dirtiest jokes unimaginable,

With one leg up and foot on the chair like a cowboy,

Smoking away in that position, legs spread, and

Crassly unloading on and on in details about men.

This went on for quite a while, and I sat there,

Listened and observed, trying to take in my sight.

That gaze in her eyes, I recognized it from childhood,

Except then, she never said anything in those moments,

She'd just stand in the doorframe of a room, and stare

At me without ever uttering a word, it was a hard stare;

She'd scare the hell out of me when she did that.

On that day, it was those same eyes that were before me

As Tina, and all of a sudden, I could piece together 

That those moments were about her having switched. 

Some don't believe in this disorder, some do,

But whatever it is, real or faked, it was clearly happening.

The person before me was truly not my mother,

It was a completely different personality talking to me.

Seeing as I had no idea how on Earth to deal with this,

I sought information from our local resource centre

On health and services for the community to get expert

Advice on how to best help my mother through this,

And also how to best live with this on a more personal level.

It wasn't much help unfortunately 'cause the professionals there

Were gawking and in awe of me and how lucid I am in my situation.

To this day, I haven't the foggiest idea why they were so surprised.

What were they expecting?  I'm the one who has to deal with it,

It's in my face, you can't miss it in any shape or form.

You'd have to be awfully dull in the head to not notice it is what

I've always felt about that, so it's always left me dumbfounded.

Anyhow, to say this situation was stressful puts it lightly. 

- my mother is afflicted with bipolar disorder with psychotic manias, muliple personality disorder (now called dissociative identity disorder), borderline personality disorder, bulimia... she also behaves in every way like a sociopath... and nothing that comes out of her mouth is ever the truth, it's all made up ... also it's like people around her are part of a play only she knows about, and unbeknownst to them, they have a purpose in her play... and she's the director...

there are so many instances involving her that are completely bizarre and so difficult to explain... but for this one,  I've never been able to shake off the suspicions... the horrifying feeling the thought gave me then hasn't really subsided now when I think of this incident...

sorry, therapy is bringing up all these thoughts... need to confront them...

I doubt this woman so much

That I have a strong suspicion

She let our downstairs neighbor die.

Why would I think such a horrible thing?

It's because whenever she offers unprompted

Details, you know there's something behind it.

She made it a point to specify to everyone

That during the medical incident, the

Neighbor refused an ambulance be called.

That immediately raised a red flag for me.

She had come to be really annoyed with

This neighbor 'cause she was over all the time.

She'd come upstairs to our place all day

And she'd become her partner's drinking buddy

And she couldn't tolerate anyone taking his time.

This woman becomes dangerous when

Others interfere with any of her plans,

So I really wouldn't be surprised to learn

That the ambulance refusal was never

Anything that the neighbor expressed.

I think she saw an opportunity for a fix,

A permanent resolution to her problem.

A horrible suspicion, but I can't help it,

The realm in which this woman lives,

There's no telling what she's capable of,

Although in saying that, years have shown the

Lengths she'll go to in order to satisfy her wants.

So it really doesn't feel far-fetched to think

She'd be capable of such cold callousness,

It's not like it'd be completely out of character.

It's one of those disturbing things among many

That linger as concerns this person in my life,

And there really is no other way to put it:

The woman is an absolute sociopath.

- although things are definitely better in my life right now, the isolation built over the years isn't something that is completely resolved yet... I don't really have anyone to talk to... so I write and tell you where I'm at... I'm sorry if any of what I share with you makes you feel bad or stumped... it's obviously not the intention...   

Apologies for the discomfort

All of this inevitably causes.

I realize a response isn't obvious,

'Cause really what can anyone say.

But thank you for coming along

And not leaving me alone with it.

I have a lot of things to sort out still

From all those experiences I've had.

And I've been trying for years

To step out of the silence I've held

And to stop hiding my life away

In order to save others' comfort.

I don't like that it shocks in that way

And renders most totally speechless,

Or that it makes anyone who hears it

Feel bad in any way for what happened.

But all I came across isn't my fault,

It's just how things turned out,

And I have every intention of fixing

Where all of this has left me in life.

No longer want to hide as if the shame

Was mine, so please forgive me for

Excluding the discomfort it might

Make you feel, I need to do this now.

- unlike my mother, I don't know what my father's diagnoses are... but clearly, it's in the psychotic range of disorders... which is evidently not helped by the alcohol... in French 'cause he's French Canadian...  with rough translation... 

Allo Bernard,

Je vais être franche,

Je ne sais trop quoi dire.

J'ai grandi avec toi

Jusqu'à l'âge de onze ans,

Alors disons, c'est loin.

I'll be honest,

Not too sure what to say.

I grew up with you

Until the age of eleven,

So let's say, it's far.

Mais je n'oublie pas

Ce qui s'est passé

Pendant ces années,

Tu m'as causé beaucoup

De douleur, il va sans dire.

But I'm not forgetting

All that happened

During those years,

You caused me a lot

Of pain, it goes without saying.

Et puis il y a dans la vingtaine,

Quand mon frère insistait

Qu'on t'inclut dans nos vies,

C'est là que j'ai réellement compris

À quel degré que tu es malade.

Then there's in my twenties,

When my brother insisted

We include you into our lives,

It's then I really understood

The extent of your unwellness.

Tu t'en rends peut-être

Pas compte, mais tu exhibes

Tous les traits schizoïdes,

T'es pas rattaché à la réalité.

Mais il y a de la malice aussi.

You maybe aren't realizing this,

But you exhibit

All the traits of schizoid issues,

You're not linked to reality.

But there is malice as well.

C'est cet aspect qui m'a

Fait comprendre que je ne

Dois pas garder contact,

Que tu dois rester loin,

Car tes intentions sont tordues.

It's this aspect which made

Me understand that I

Must not keep contact,

That you must remain far away,

'Cause your intentions are twisted.

Que tu retiennes toute aide

Dans le but que je devienne

Désespérée et en besoin de toi

M'a ouvert les yeux très grand

Sur ce que t'avais en tête pour moi.

That you'd hold back all help

With the goal that I become

So desperate and in need of you

Opened my eyes very wide

On what you had in mind for me.

Tu m'as carrément fais fuir,

Car je savais où t'allais, et

Je n'ai pas besoin de te le dire

Qu'une fille n'est pas ça

Pour son père...

You totally scared me away,

'Cause I knew where you were going,

And I don't need to tell you

That a daughter is not that

For her father...

De plus, tes croyances

Que des esprits dans la maison

Te jouent avec la tête en

Déplaçant tes choses,

Mais là, que peut-on dire?

There's also your beliefs

About spirits in your house

That play with your head by

Moving your things,

Well there, what can be said?

Alors, si par hasard tu te demandais

Pourquoi nous n'avons plus contact,

C'est pour ces raisons ; tu n'es

Réellement pas bien et t'es instable.

Et tu boies toujours en plus.

So, if by chance you were wondering

Why you and I have no more contact,

These are the reasons; you're

Really not well and you're unstable.

And you still drink to top it off.

Ce n'est pas safe d'être autour de toi.

It's not safe to be around you.

- in therapy recently ('cause the traumas need to be further addressed), I was asked to describe my parents... this is a difficult one for me to do... they are very unwell, unstable individuals as a general description... and describing madness is difficult to do with any amount of clarity or certainty...

I have not had contact with my mother in 23 years... no contact with my father in 20 years... it felt like I had no choice to preserve my well-being...

I used to write letters to the people who were let's say problematic in my life with their abusive behaviors... but they of course were never to be sent...  

Allo Micheline,

It's been years since last we had contact,

Nonetheless, you come across in thoughts

Once in a while, to this day, and I at times

Find myself forming further reflections on

What happened and how it can be explained.

I've never known a sense of what's it's like

To have a mother is the truth of the matter,

But my anger and frustrations have long ago

Been spent and processed, and there is no

Remnant of animosity or hate toward you.

However, as a mother myself, there are

Parts to our story I'll never figure out.

So, as far as feelings go, I cannot declare

That I have any for you, it's now neutral,

And it was without doubt best to withdraw

Because of your effects on my well-being.

Even more so when my sons were born,

More importantly, they needed protection.

You'll remember, I gave you a chance,

And you proved it was the wrong decision.

So I had no choice but to remove you.

All of what I'm saying here is without anger,

It's simply to provide the explanation I never 

Voiced as to why we're no longer in contact,

In case you've been wondering all this time.

I do not wish to reestablish contact now,

But if not knowing bothers you as much as me,

I thought I could at least rectify this part

And perhaps bring the closure that's been pending.

I'm ready to place the final period to this story.

But I do hope you were able to get well

Because I can't imagine living like you is easy,

And although you've caused a lot of suffering

To many people in your life, I don't wish you ill.

So now I'll just say goodbye and take care.