When you're just not sure, of anything... anymore
I don’t dislike him.
He don’t give me butterflies or anything - but my therapist told me that was a good thing because what butterflies actually are is anxiety, my “anxious attachment style”, telling me I’m in danger and that’s what I think love is and it’s addictive, little hits of dopamine, like a drug.
I get them because of shitty ex-boyfriends I’ve had - not all shitty actually, sometimes I was just a bit of a cunt - and she said I should challenge those anxious feelings, challenge and explore safe situations.
And I have, I really have.
I have really tried.
And it’s ok.
But it’s boring.
And I don’t hate when he kisses me.
Don’t turn away or wince or nothing.
I don’t mind it.
I don’t mind him going down on me.
I don’t mind having sex with him, it’s not that bad - he really tries and I appreciate that.
But it is… boring.
It’s always the funny fucked up ones who eat-you-out-from-behind-and-fuck-you-senseless types that are fun!
Why is that?
I tried to bring it up a few times, not about the sex that’s AWKWARD!
Imagine.
I tried to talk, about us, about what we are or where we’re heading, like what do we really want from this/eachother and every time I did there was always something happening - a gift or a dinner, a birthday then Christmas, a wedding then the cat died - his cat not my cat, I don’t have a cat - and on and on.
Like, we never once said “we are bf and gf” and that was great, all good, all fine, NO PRESSURE - find the joy in the unease my therapist said, find the joy… there was joy, so much joy but I also get a lot of joy from eating pie and mash.
It was other people who’d label us and that was stressful, for me.
And I’m… I ain’t blaming him for this, I’m not, not at all.
Takes two to tango and all that.
Like, I didn’t not tell him to pull out, well sometimes I did but not all the time.
Sometimes it feels nicer leaving it in.
And I don’t not want a baby.
I just dunno if I want it with him.
Not now anyway.
Or maybe not even ever.
And now I’m sorta stuck in this lane. And I don’t know if I even like him very much.
I don’t.
Words by Holly Hawgood
Read 171 times
Written on 2024-01-26 at 08:47
Tags Long Monologue Consciousness
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Happy one year babe!... i think
I’m not even sure if I like him.I don’t dislike him.
He don’t give me butterflies or anything - but my therapist told me that was a good thing because what butterflies actually are is anxiety, my “anxious attachment style”, telling me I’m in danger and that’s what I think love is and it’s addictive, little hits of dopamine, like a drug.
I get them because of shitty ex-boyfriends I’ve had - not all shitty actually, sometimes I was just a bit of a cunt - and she said I should challenge those anxious feelings, challenge and explore safe situations.
And I have, I really have.
I have really tried.
And it’s ok.
But it’s boring.
And I don’t hate when he kisses me.
Don’t turn away or wince or nothing.
I don’t mind it.
I don’t mind him going down on me.
I don’t mind having sex with him, it’s not that bad - he really tries and I appreciate that.
But it is… boring.
It’s always the funny fucked up ones who eat-you-out-from-behind-and-fuck-you-senseless types that are fun!
Why is that?
I tried to bring it up a few times, not about the sex that’s AWKWARD!
Imagine.
I tried to talk, about us, about what we are or where we’re heading, like what do we really want from this/eachother and every time I did there was always something happening - a gift or a dinner, a birthday then Christmas, a wedding then the cat died - his cat not my cat, I don’t have a cat - and on and on.
Like, we never once said “we are bf and gf” and that was great, all good, all fine, NO PRESSURE - find the joy in the unease my therapist said, find the joy… there was joy, so much joy but I also get a lot of joy from eating pie and mash.
It was other people who’d label us and that was stressful, for me.
And I’m… I ain’t blaming him for this, I’m not, not at all.
Takes two to tango and all that.
Like, I didn’t not tell him to pull out, well sometimes I did but not all the time.
Sometimes it feels nicer leaving it in.
And I don’t not want a baby.
I just dunno if I want it with him.
Not now anyway.
Or maybe not even ever.
And now I’m sorta stuck in this lane. And I don’t know if I even like him very much.
I don’t.
Words by Holly Hawgood
Read 171 times
Written on 2024-01-26 at 08:47
Tags Long Monologue Consciousness
Save as a bookmark (requires login) Write a comment (requires login) Send as email (requires login) Print text
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