I suspect that I may have ADHD.
There is always a cacophony of voices adjourning disharmoniously in my head.
I am always thinking or feeling something.
As I have often informed my therapist -
I can understand why people don't want to be with me, I exhaust myself.
Today, the love of my life shared that because of my emotionally disproportionate responses lately, that he feels hesitant sharing things with me because he is afraid of my reaction.
I am not dangerous or rude, but I often have very strong emotions that feel valid in the moment - I get swept away.
It's like my mind is on hyper drive and I hyper focus on the topic at hand, fueled by my emotions and determined to "be right". Not in the superior sense, but to quiet the nagging moral perfectionism that never ceases.
I am so tired of myself as I pen this.
It is my greatest shame and constant fear that I will be too much for those that I love the most, and who love me.
That I would overwhelm them - or alienate them from me.
I try so hard to have measured reactions.
I am always on and monitoring myself.
I have grown so much and gotten very good at it, but I am not perfect and I have been blind to my triggers and even felt vindicated in the moment -
I feel a terrible shame.
I feel like the worst things about myself are true -
That I am unworthy, unlovable, and too much for other people.
Hell! I am too much for myself.
Every day feels like a mental and emotional battle up hill.
A constant inner dialogue of arguing viewpoints, feelings, and perspectives.
AND I CANNOT TURN IT OFF
... I cannot make it go away
... or turn down the volume.
I am so tired, and it is hard to imagine anyone with the stamina or sufficient grace to love me.
I feel like one of those verdammen IKEA pieces that you have to put together, but there are no instructions.
I am doing my absolute best at any time or intersection, but it never feels like it is enough -
Like I am enough.
... my heart breaks for myself
I weep.
This pity...
I truly, truly do not understand why it has to be this hard just to live in my brain and my body.
I am so, so tired.
I am safe, but I am so sad.
I wish I didn't have to be this way.
Words by Sarah Parnes
Read 30 times
Written on 2024-10-02 at 03:22
Tags Adhd Overthinking Overwhelming
Save as a bookmark (requires login)
Write a comment (requires login)
Send as email (requires login)
Print text
Emotional Dysregulation
I have such intense emotions.There is always a cacophony of voices adjourning disharmoniously in my head.
I am always thinking or feeling something.
As I have often informed my therapist -
I can understand why people don't want to be with me, I exhaust myself.
Today, the love of my life shared that because of my emotionally disproportionate responses lately, that he feels hesitant sharing things with me because he is afraid of my reaction.
I am not dangerous or rude, but I often have very strong emotions that feel valid in the moment - I get swept away.
It's like my mind is on hyper drive and I hyper focus on the topic at hand, fueled by my emotions and determined to "be right". Not in the superior sense, but to quiet the nagging moral perfectionism that never ceases.
I am so tired of myself as I pen this.
It is my greatest shame and constant fear that I will be too much for those that I love the most, and who love me.
That I would overwhelm them - or alienate them from me.
I try so hard to have measured reactions.
I am always on and monitoring myself.
I have grown so much and gotten very good at it, but I am not perfect and I have been blind to my triggers and even felt vindicated in the moment -
I feel a terrible shame.
I feel like the worst things about myself are true -
That I am unworthy, unlovable, and too much for other people.
Hell! I am too much for myself.
Every day feels like a mental and emotional battle up hill.
A constant inner dialogue of arguing viewpoints, feelings, and perspectives.
AND I CANNOT TURN IT OFF
... I cannot make it go away
... or turn down the volume.
I am so tired, and it is hard to imagine anyone with the stamina or sufficient grace to love me.
I feel like one of those verdammen IKEA pieces that you have to put together, but there are no instructions.
I am doing my absolute best at any time or intersection, but it never feels like it is enough -
Like I am enough.
... my heart breaks for myself
I weep.
This pity...
I truly, truly do not understand why it has to be this hard just to live in my brain and my body.
I am so, so tired.
I am safe, but I am so sad.
I wish I didn't have to be this way.
Words by Sarah Parnes
Read 30 times
Written on 2024-10-02 at 03:22
Tags Adhd Overthinking Overwhelming
Save as a bookmark (requires login) Write a comment (requires login) Send as email (requires login) Print text
