- I used to write about all of that in great detail in my first PB account (June 2005- July 2024)... but today, all of that feels like such a long time ago (10 years since last depressive episode, about 8 years since the pain left... 2½ years having an amazing job) ... still, I remember... and it's very unlikely I'll ever forget... 

I remember when my inner world

was mired by endless recalls of painful

acts committed against my small body

not counting the other crimes

my path was thrown as time went on

I remember that even after these

realities were no longer part of my days

there was no way to escape their

consequences to my psyche and heart

so it was as if they were still ongoing

I remember the terror that gripped

me at any thought of being with people

or being out of the security of my bedroom

there was no way for me to get on

with the day-to-day everyone else had

I remember being totally immobilized

by fear and the persistent pain of all

these traumas that shaped my beginnings

I remember the turmoil turning to crisis

where brushes with death nearly succeeded

I remember the destructive states of

mind I would sink down to at times

and the incapacity to hold the compulsion

of causing the deepest wounds to myself

and watching my life seep out satisfied

I remember the loss of control over

any sense of self-preservation to match

the depth of my despair and hopelessness

I remember hurting so deeply for what'd

been done to me, not finding a way out

I remember being broken to pieces

I don't think I'll ever forget any part