• STYPTIC PENCIL INDUSTRY SUES GILETTE OVER TECHMATIC

• THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW (THE ONE WITH THE WAGGILY TAIL) RETAILS FOR $9.99. TODAY ONLY!

• SCIENTISTS PROVE NEW AJAX LAUNDRY DETERGENT REALLY IS STRONGER THAN DIRT

• RECURRING DREAM OF GUM ON THE BOTTOM OF SHOE CONTINUES TO HAUNT LARRY BIRD

• "IRON BUTTERFLY" REVEALS THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HECK "IN A GADDA DA VIDA"  MEANS, EITHER

• THEOLOGIANS SPECULATE TENTH CIRCLE OF HELL RESERVED FOR THE GUY THAT STARTED THE FIRST CONGA LINE

• RUBY-THROATED SPARROW SPOTTED IN LAUREL CANYON, STEPHEN STILLS VINDICATED

• DOZENS OF SEPTUAGENARIANS INJURED WHILE ATTEMPTING TO

PLAY TWISTER AT HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

• SEARCH FAILS TO FIND ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY READ JOYCE'S "ULYSSES"

• PIGS FLY, ALL MANKIND AGREES TO PUT AN END TO WAR