My dad tells me I don't need my Prozac. He wasn't around to see my walking corpse, void of a soul. The love of my life left me to become a woman... I died that day.


Prozac

My father asked me again why I am taking medication.
The answer is never changing;
I am depressed.

He will ask:
Why is that?
I remember.
Shattering, breaking and all my heart aching...
I will tell him one more time.

"You were shaking today when you were carrying the tea set and holding the fan."
I know I did.
I try to tell myself that my sugar is low or high.
Anything is better than remembering the terrible end without a good-bye.

I think of him,
the wonderful man I knew.
I cannot help but smile.
I loved him dearly, as he said he loved me.

My spirit begins to pour the pent up tears.
My eyes remain dry;
I only cry on the inside.

With the whisper of Jenner ringing on the radio, I turn away my ear.
What they say is bravery, courage...
They do not know of what they speak,
They do not know the destruction nor the devastation nor the death the deprivation brings.

I did not eat.
I could not eat.
Nor could I sleep.
All that consumed my thoughts, my being, was how to fix it.

My heart was shredded,
Torn to bits.
My love is in torment and all I knew was this;
Pain.

Still, every day, every night, I think of you.
My soul quakes, a never-ending shake.
The question of how you are demands an answer.
... I cannot bare to ask.
I do not know how long my knees would last.
I would fall back again, helpless in the web of my abyss.

I pray for you every night.
At every thought that I think of you,
I pray and silently say
"Lord, help him. Be with him. Love him how I cannot."

For myself I pray also;
Let me move on from this reign of fear; of despiration and insanity....

Before I had the green and white pills,
I could only think.
Barely, could I breathe.
Never did I sleep
And always did I feel like I was ascending to watch myself die.

I would cry out with my soul,
Hoping an angel would hear my scream.
That this worldly phase would fade away...
That I might live to love another day.



Poetry by Sarah Parnes
Read 1264 times
Written on 2015-07-17 at 06:30

Tags Depression  Fear  Dying 

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Jamsbo Rockda The PoetBay support member heart!
This piece is filled with so much pain. Depression is exactly as you say, crying on the inside. I do not think that people who have never had it can understand it. I really hope that you feel better soon. We all have paths to take in this life. That we meet at all is a miracle. To have continuous miracles holding people together is usually impossible. Take care.
2015-07-19


Ivan R
It tells about pain and of strength.
It paints pictures of the dark, deep forests that the poet is walking in, of the lost of feelings, and of the terrifying realization that the world once known, is no more.

But here she is, telling the story, as if the legs that were cut off when knowing what happened, suddenly got wings, and rose above it, tears and all, praying for the best, and letting the prayer reside on the words told here. What a huge thing to do. And what a brave thing to say.
2015-07-18



This is so gut-wrenching painful and so full of courage. I congratulate you on your ability to put so much into words.
Ashe
2015-07-17


one trick pony The PoetBay support member heart!
putting into words such a difficult and complicated part of your life, for us to read, in such an elegant way is a remarkable piece of writing. i found every word of it compelling.
2015-07-17