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Landing on my feet

Just when I think I'll fall into the abyss that is my depression,
Where I think I cannot get back up,
When my bed just feels so comfortable,
That I no longer want to wake up and face the world.

I tried to drown my negativity out,
But it kept surfacing like an overflowing bottle,
That keeps filling up with water,
I can't do much apart from seeing it spill over,
And make a mess of everything.

Talking about it has made everyone uncomfortable,
Writing hasn't done much good,
Stemming from the fact that I can no longer save my father,
Who's lost in his own delusions,
The world is against him and I can't fight this horrible world for him,
Because I didn't realise that for a long time,
I've been a part of that world and I'm an enemy too.

He wants to die a death with pride he says,
How's that possible when he destroys everything he touches,
I'm knees deep in the acid he spews,
Is it my job to save him?
Do I not have the right to live my life too?
Am I a selfish child for wanting a normal life?
Is it right for me to bear the brunt of his mistakes?

He's the wall between me and my destiny,
Should I stay or should I jump over it?
I need to at least try,
I can't be a prisoner forever.

I tried to find my happiness in love,
Wherever I could find it,
In friends and lovers,
In the darkness illuminated by disco lights,
Where I'd spin so much while dancing,
My head can't think straight,
I didn't want to think straight.

When the companionship ended,
I'd give myself emotionally,
But couldn't let myself be touched,
That felt too intimate to me then,
How funny that sounds to me now.

But I managed to land on my feet again,
I seem to do that everytime,
I'd wallow in self pity till I'd realise,
That I can't be a victim,
I've wanted to leave behind a legacy,
I won't be a statistic.

I've found love again,
But somewhere deep down I'm prepared,
I'm used to people leaving,
But I really hope he'll stay,
He's special you see,
He's told me he loves me for me.

But this time I won't let you win Papa,
I am nothing like you,
I am going to break the chain,
Undo your damage and make you a faint memory one day,
You see, I always land on my feet.

Essay by Kshiti Dubey
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