- it made no sense considering I'm in no frame of mind for self-destruction... therapist says that it's not unusual with all the traumas I've been through that my nervous system may at times glitch and trigger old responses... even if there is no specific reason for it... 

It's the second time something like this happens... and both times took me aback, 'cause it came out of nowhere... The first time (years ago) I went through with the thoughts... and this time, I found it really hard, it was an all-out battle for 3 weeks to not do what my thoughts were obsessing over... it was also a very strange experience considering the circumstances... 

Remember that last weird time

When something unexpectedly

Triggered off something in me?

A bit freaked, I'd told you about it.

Something like that happened

Again, and like last time, it turned

Into a battle I didn't expect at all,

As it came right out of the blue.

Still not sure what the trigger was,

Considering everything in my life

Is world's apart from what usually

Puts me in these states, I don't know.

It's like my body suddenly having

Started to feel the sensations of an

Old story I hadn't thought about in

Years kicked something off in me.

And like last time, it took me by surprise,

But brought on quite the shock to realize

I still have a deep feeling of satisfaction

At the thought of causing myself damage.

Surprised at how quickly those sensations

Turned my waking moments into obsessive

Ruminations of causing bloody visuals to

Revel in and making sure it hurts like hell,

As if any of that made any sense at all.

But most surprising is how thoughts thrived

Even though I wasn't in that frame of mind;

Never happened before and it threw me off.

It did take a while for me to bring all of this

Down, stop it from turning the thoughts

Into actions, with a few close calls where

My resolve was stretched, but I succeeded :

No blood.

I'm fine.

Like last time,

A momentary blip.

I held on to the fact there's no reason for it,

And since I'm not one to do things for no

Reason, I couldn't disregard the contradiction

Or the fact it made no sense for me to do now.

I guess that's what helped me out of there.