Unlike most of the other kids

On the streets, I was homeless

Not because I was thrown out,

I was there to keep myself away

From the craziness at home.

I decided this when I was twelve,

And that's when I started roaming

The streets at night and stayed there.

True, there were a lot of troubled

Folks around that environment too,

But it all felt a lot more manageable

Than what was going on at home.

So I met all sorts, did all sorts a preteen

Shouldn't be doing, of course, and this

Would be my life until early adulthood.

Depression and pain were already

A prevalent part of my life at that point,

And the need to make it stop very strong,

So I did an inordinate amount of drugs

For days on end that turned into years

Just so to not feel anymore...

It was that or I kill myself directly.

Granted, this caused other problems,

And it sure wasn't the best solution

I could have come up for myself.

Luckily for me, all this severe substance

Abuse didn't turn into addiction issues.

I was surrounded by many who had them,

Though, and on a few occasions, it brought

On life-threatening situations my way.

One of those situations would change me

For the rest of my life, it's when a friend of

Mine, who was a hardcore heroin addict,

Lost his head one night and beat me to death,

After having spent three days without heroin.

I was a naïve girl at the time, who cared

About people, not realizing how dangerous

Things can get when a heroin addict can't

Get a fix.  I only wanted to help, but that turned

Into a nightmare as fast as a lightning strike.

For years after that, I was not the same,

And completely gripped by terror making

It impossible to do day-to-day activities

Or be in contact with people in any way.

Severe isolation's been the norm a good part.

I officially left the streets at twenty, when

I found out I was expecting my first son.

My instincts were clear that my baby didn't

Need to be in this environment in any way,

So I left everyone I knew there, disappeared.

It feels like a lifetime ago those years,

And in some respect, as if it's someone

Else's story, although I know it's mine.

Just that life now is so far removed from

All I'd known of life for the longest time...

So when I reflect on it all,

There's a feeling of surprise

About how far I've come 'cause

I can't explain how the peace I

Found came to settle like it did.

It's difficult to describe, 

But I can say I'm ok now.

All of that drawn out mayhem

And its debilitating impacts

No longer hold the reigns.

I'm not terrified or gripped by fear,

I go out of my place without a thought,

I see people and talk with them a lot more.

Sure, I still have anxiety to deal with,

But I manage it a hell of a lot better now.

My surprise comes because for so long

I never thought I'd be able to get myself

Out from all of these difficulties, years

So far were indicating it'd never happen.

And then I did and I don't know how.

It feels like it just happened one day

Without my knowledge, and eventually,

I noticed that something was different

With me, how I wasn't feeling the usual

Pain anymore, it just wasn't there at all.

It just finally left me somehow.

Maybe it's because my mind came

To finish its processing of all these

Horrors and finally reached conclusions

It was satisfied with to let it all go.

As I said, I'm not really sure how it

Happened, but I do know I'm ok now.